Sure, there’s a ton of actual good TV. For instance, the Discovery Channel has a lot of educational crap. (Disclaimer: I secretly love the Discovery Channel.)

But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?
And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!
Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!
Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear
It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go. Read More »

MTV and the crew are bringing this shizz to Cancun. Do Brittany, Bo and Kristy have to share a big velvet purple bed here too? I’m sorry – I’m obsessed with this bed.

As soon as they arrive, they have pool and lunch/talk time. Bo and his well-waxed eyebrows have nothing to say until he finds out that he can’t ride on the jet skis with the girls because of his jaw. He gets upset and takes it personally. Bo, need I remind you – spitting out tons of blood, split jaw, emergency room – surgery?!?

Then we have the condom blow up race – the person who wins gets to choose when they have their date. The catch: the game isn’t about speed; it’s about how they work the pump. Yes, working the pump. I’m shaking my head as I type this. Brittany wins and decides to spend the second night with Tila; she then chooses Bo go to on the first date and Kristy to go on the last one.

So the rest of the episode is basically going to be Tila making out with everyone and possibly spending the night with each of them.

Bo date: Bo’s apologies for acting like a baby earlier in the date and Tila cries about hurting Bo’s feelings and then she initiates a kiss, which totally surprises me because it seems like she doesn’t want to even be on the show. Did you guys even eat anything? Read More »

Tila arrives in BOhio to give everyone in the Buckeye state a boner with her hooker shoes and tattoos. She meets Bo’s students and his family and they are all down to earth and sweet. It is during this visit that Bo reveals to his family that he was in the hospital and had a plate put in his jaw - Mom is upset because she didn’t know about it and I wonder if Bo still lives at home. How do you get Bo from Brandon?

What made Bo’s mom show off her Gene Simmon’s tongue and hit on Tila in front of a 10 year old? Poor thing is getting the education that he never wanted from his mom.

Next up is Tila in Westchester, NY, visiting Kristy. They start at the ice rink. Kristy must have been the junior ice champion at one point. They go on to Kristy’s house to meet the family and I cringe when they all start dancing to the show’s theme song. Does Tila sing this crap? No one should be “freaking” on anyone right now. My mom would have died 4.7 seconds into this mess.

Off to San Diego to visit Brittany. I anticipate a boring visit but Brittany comes out of this looking really cool to me. She’s really thoughtful, her friends seem cool and her dad is a nice guy. These are the conclusions that I’ve made based on 90 seconds of footage, but I’m sure that I’m right. Read More »

It’s morning in the house of pink and blue and the eight remaining contestants are instructed to meet at the Cherry Pit to wrestle. So it’s jell-o wrestling time and they have to split into two teams of four. Bo can’t wrestle. Can Glitter move without a pole?

The guest ref is a beast. Poor Kristy is wrestling Lisa. Sucks for you and your fine ass, Kristy. George camera-insults Jay for his Jersey b1tch attitude. Scotty is the worst for being unable to beat midget Corey Haim.

Glitter shockingly beats Brittany and I’m saddened that George never got a chance to fight.

Winners get a date in a room that was decorated to look like a candy shop, and Tila’s dressed like kiddie porn. Read More »

After an episode ending in a headbutt, this one starts with the lead up to and the whole fight. Chad also puched Bo. Twice. And hard.

Chad escorted out immediately and is off the show. They don’t f*ck around. I take back my wanting to have a drink with Chad.

Is Bo missing teeth? OMG, he is spitting out so much blood, call freaking 911 already and stop standing around asking if he’s okay.

On cue, Glitter cries.

Bo must be SO pissed off. I can’t believe that he was able to keep himself from punching back; I don’t doubt his ability to defend himself. Off to the hospital he goes.

In the morning, Tila learns about the fight.

She doesn’t look good without make up. Tila cries some fake tears upon hearing the news. Or maybe these are real tears because someone got hurt over her fake ass show. That is nice of her to call Bo. I can’t believe that Scotty and Jay are the only guys remaining. I mean, Jay? Yuck.

BO NEEDS SURGERY??? This is horrific. I cannot believe that his jaw is broken and I really feel sorry for him.

Tila decides that with all of the drama that everyone needs to get out. Everyone is way too excited about it – I wonder how long it’s been. Ha, Tila goes to dinner in a separate car and what, is George coming back? Awwwww. But what’s with the rose — why does everyone think that this is the Bachelor? Read More »

Last time: pig vagina and nausea.

This episode: 12 people remain. Everyone makes it sound like the competition is really serious but they’ve been there for like 4 days so I don’t believe them. Tila leaves a bowl of questions out for everyone to answer. Shockingly, all of the questions are sex related. Until the MTV writers throw in a question about gay marriage and Chad is against it and “a child deserves a father.” Oof, shut up. You’re losing your sexy, Chad.

Challenge for the day: who can ride it better? Ugh, scary. Backyard Bi-nanza. Quit it already with these competition names. So they are riding mechanical bulls. The teams are mixed up because the girls keep beating the guys. Apparently Sirbrina rides mechanical bulls for a living because she works at a bar and I need to rethink my career choices. Read More »

Let me preface this post by stating that no one rolls their eyes harder than I do when I hear concerned parents blather on about how their precious little muffin’s mind is going to rot because of any of the following: rock music, prostitution, violence in the media, sex in the media, sex in general, pornography, video games, liberal bias in the media…well you get the point. So I beg that you forgive me as I indulge in this relatively old fogey moment.

I worry about kids today.

Not because of any of the aforementioned things, but because of MTV and the general dumbing-down of a whole generation. So-called sexual deviancy I can handle, even endorse to a certain degree, but stupidity is unforgivable.

I mention it because I remember when I was twelve or thirteen and I would watch MTV as a model of what my late teens and early twenties would be like. I would live in a house exactly like the one in The Real World: Boston, I would be as cavalierly-cool as Aeon Flux, I would listen to all of the almost painfully cool songs they used to play on 120 minutes when MTV used to play music. In other words, what was cool in the mid-nineties even through the late 90’s is totally different than what is cool now. Read More »

Well folks, it’s time for yet another reality dating show. This time around, however there is a clever little twist. Tila Tequila, of Myspace and self-promoted fame, is the star of MTV’s new show “A Shot at love with Tila Tequila.”

The formula is essentially the same: Six weeks, find love, contestants get eliminated, one will remain at the end, and there will be a reunion special where we discover the winner really isn’t interested. Sound familiar? The big twist in Ms. Tequila’s show is her opportunity to come out as a bisexual and have 16 lesbians square off against 16 straight dudes for her affection. This should be fun.

Tila Tequila, nee Tila Nguyen, shot to fame by becoming the most popular person on Myspace as of April 2006. She has modeled for Playboy, Stuff and Maxim. She also was the number one unsigned artist on Myspace. Through shameless self-promotion and half-naked pictures, Tila has really become internet superstar. Now with her own show, she is sure to become a reality television superstar. I have no doubt the clothing line will follow soon. Oops, there already is a clothing line. Read More »