It might go against Scientology to record my thoughts but my thetan level is low enough that it might not matter until later, when I may become a master of the universe. I have to guess what the levels are called since Tom says that I’m not high enough in the order yet to know - much of anything.

While he is spending his time channeling L. Ron, I have tried to find the meaning of life in the temple of Barney’s. Did I say that? Because I didn’t mean it, in case you’re reading this my Scientology handlers. I meant that I just enjoy shopping. Because my life is so empty. By empty I mean FULL, though, it’s full of - shopping bags and hair cuts and love for L. Ron.

As first lady of Scientology, I must hold it together at all times  and no one knows the pressure that I’m under. Not only am I a fashion icon, I am an important actress and a vessel for scientology’s future. Even if I don’t have sex with Tom.

I must stop writing now. Tom is calling me and it’s time for my auditing, to free myself from the traumatic incidents of my life. Like my marriage. He worries when I start thinking or having friends, even ones as vapid as Posh.

Vapid. I love that word. I used words like that when I was living in Capeside. Oh, how I miss Dawson. He always knew me better than anyone else. I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over, I want to know right now what will it be… Dawson, I’ll leave my window open for you - please come.

Oh, no, Tom’s here. American Express, take me away…

Men have always ruled the comedy scene. From dynamic duos such as Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello and Jay and Silent Bob to teams such as the Happy Madison boys (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Peter Dante, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson) and the Frat Pack (Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen and Luke Wilson and Steve Carrell).

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys. Read More »

I have a subscription to New York Magazine. I like to read it because the cover articles tend to be edgy and intelligent, and the publication as a whole tends to be more pop culture friendly than their slightly stuffy counter-periodical, The New Yorker. If you don’t live in NYC or around it, you might not have heard about NY Mag, which is fine. It’s a little inside-jokey. A little self-referential — cultivating a between-the-lines feeling that the New York publishing world is the center of the universe.

But like that slightly snotty friend who turns around and buys everyone a round of drinks at the bar, I just can’t seem to break up with NY Mag and read my weekly copy faithfully. There’s only one thing about the periodical that really bothers me, and it usually can be skipped over quite readily…unless of course, you’re me, reading it last night.

You see, yesterday I had a long day. The bus ride back from work was so packed it induced claustrophobia, and two people decided to get into a screaming match that included gems such as “SHUT UP, RETARD!!”, “YOU’RE THE RETARD!!”, “ON YOUR MOM!!”, “ON YOURS, MINE’S DEAD!!”. When I got home, my internet and cable were still not working…a problem left over from the weekend, and it was probably around 105 F in my apartment. Pouring myself a bowl of cereal, I sat down and decided to spend the evening reading, and my new copy of New York Magazine was the first thing I got my exhausted hands on. Read More »

The “problem” with Dakota Fanning, in my opinion, is that she’s a REAL actress who happens to still be very young. This, of course, shouldn’t be a problem, but because Dakota’s abilities often overpower her actual age, people have a hard time figuring out what to do with her.

Dakota has always been able to bring to life realities in characters that I sincerely doubt most other actresses her age–or even older–could do. However, her desire to do more than simple ’sweet and innocent’ roles have caused some people to cringe.

Her much talked about film that will be released this summer, “Hounddog“, has had most of the acting community biting their lips since it first showed up at Sundance last year. The controversy surrounding this film has been building, and in case you haven’t already heard, here’s why: Read More »

Tyra Banks. Why does her name induce toe curling for me? It’s not just her giant forehead that gives me nightmares. Much more than her monster-like physique, her diva personality is the thing that really spooks me out (and makes me want to punch her).

Whenever America’s Next Top Model comes on the TV, my roomies and I know we’re doomed for the next few hours, but I can’t help it…(and my roomies agree)…her overbearing, dogmatic, hotter-than-thou attitude is relentless and so ruthless that it’s not at all admirable…instead, it’s just f*cking funny.

Where does this woman get off? Blah blah, she worked hard her whole life, blah blah, she knows what it “TAKES”, blah blah. Who out there hasn‘t worked hard their whole lives? What girl hasn‘t dealt with the trials and tribulations of making it in a man’s world? The way she talks, you’d think she’s the only one who’s ever had a life that wasn’t easy.

Tyra’s unwarranted words of “wisdom” that decorate her shows (and interviews) are dumbing down an entire generation; one wanna-be model at a time. And really, the only person I can think of who could knock some goddamn sense into Miss Arrogance is Miss More Arrogant: BEYONCE. Read More »

That’s right. Another actress with no known singing talent is putting out an album, and this time, instead of letting a 50-year-old man write her words and a computer sing for her, she’s going to do covers. 10 covers. From one artist.

Due to be released May 20th, Anywhere I Lay My Head will feature Johansson’s voice and Tom Waits’s music. Yes. Tom Waits. The guy who sounds like he eats rocks for breakfast and occasionally slides metal across trashcans (but who knows how to write a great, complicated lyric).

How many of you out there can picture Scarlett listening to one Tom Waits song, let alone 10?

I can’t. Besides, how can you sing a T.W song if the only hardship you know is being chased into the Chateau Marmont by paparazzi?

Ugh. Whatever. Money might not be able to buy you love, but it can sure buy a CD deal.

“It’s hard to wrap my head around,” says Ellen Page of her recent Best Actress Oscar nomination for “Juno.”

Hard to wrap her head around, indeed, but not so hard for those of us who have seen the film. I’d give Page the award in a heartbeat, plus, it’s so refreshing for me to see someone who is not either a) over the age of 60 or b) oozing blonde hair and tan lotion up for the honor.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that she’s 20 years old? While the rest of us 20-year-olds are cramming for exams and floundering on our cramped dorm beds, Ellen Page is searching for a gown to wear to the Oscars, where she just might become the youngest recipient ever of the Best Actress award.

Marlee Matlin, with a win at the age of 21, currently holds that honor for her 1986 win in “Children of a Lesser God.” And Keisha Castle-Hughes is the youngest-ever nominee, at the age of 13 for “Whale Rider” in 2003.

With a February 21st birthday, Page will be three days into the age of 21 (her golden birthday!) on Oscar night. Though she says she isn’t a big drinker, I guess we’ll find out how true that is if she bags the award.

Listening to her interviews, Page sounds excited about the nomination, but not psyched. I’m wagering she doesn’t think she’ll win–and given the miserly attitude of the nomination committee, she’s probably right.

But what do CC readers think?

Could she really take the little golden statue home?

• A pair of married strippers are the latest predators to get busted on myspace.

• Scarlett Johannson ‘Waits’ till May to release new cover album.

• Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. Tom Cruise talks about his beliefs.

• Coachella is going East Coast.

• How to land a guy in 30 days.

• Everyone hates Jessica Simpson.

• Natalie Portman loves cruelty-free shoes.

I for one did not see this one coming.

Jessica Alba is having a baby with her beau Cash Warren.

Have our tabloid magazines and entertainment TV reporters checked out for an early vacay? Has Britney been hogging the media spotlight for so long that no one thought to even speculate?

There were no excuses like past starlets who deny it by saying “I’ve just eaten too many cheeseburgers”. There were no baggy Pucci dresses trying to cover up a little bump. There weren’t even professional experts analyzing her body language, or counting how many times she’s turned down a drink. And there have been no blown up pictures circling her belly in thick magenta marker and predicting her due date.

And to take all the fun out of guessing (and ruining potential money making tabloid covers- I so would not want to be the assitant to the Editor in Cheif at Us Weekly right now. Yikes) Alba’s rep, Brad Cafarelli confirmed exclusively to People that my girl crush, will indeed be popping out a baby in late spring/early summer.

Jessica and Cash have dated since fall of 2004 when they met on the set of The Fantastic Four.

Is it just me or is the trendy thing to be preggers in Hollywood right now? Between J.Lo, Nicole Richie, Christina and now Jess, it’s like a mass message is being spread that the days of coke followed by a getaway to Promises rehab facility is sooo yesterday (Amy Winehouse clearly did not get that memo) and that babies are the new must-have accessory. I bet Kitson will make a T-shirt about it or something. Then we will know for sure it’s a must do/have trend. Read More »

Every girl knows that unless you’re some kind of anomaly and super okay with every inch of your body, the idea of being scrutinized in a bathing suit is a thought horrifying enough to keep most of us in sweats forever.

Why then, are so many people interested in breaking down celebrities who aren’t frighteningly thin?

Jennifer Love Hewitt is the most recent victim of badly angled paparazzi photos, and I have to say, I feel every inch of her pain. Sure, the girl isn’t skinny, but she’s not fat.

So there are a few instances of cellulite. So she has a waist thicker than a pencil. So she’s not wearing a ton of make-up at the beach. How many average women does this describe?

I’m happy that JLW isn’t thin. Even though I don’t watch her show (I mean, if we’re being honest here…it’s totally boring), I think she’s a good role model for girls all over the country who have boobs and an ass.

She’s on TV and she’s not a size 0. There’s hope for us all. Read More »