Obviously, there aren’t enough celebrity gossip sites on the Internet, and obviously, Ashton Kutcher is the guy everyone thinks of when they think “celebreality comedy gold”, so of course Kutcher and his production company (Katalyst Media) would put out a blog / website hybrid dedicated to making fun of Hollywood culture — as well as all girls everywhere.

Blahgirls is Kutcher and Co’s website; which so far includes a blog with random celebrity pictures and funny captions, as well as two animated shorts featuring the 3 “Blah Girls”; Britney, Krystle, and Tiffany.  There’s also some guy named Stewart, who’s like, totally gay and totally into celebrity culture, bitch!

Besides being not funny AT ALL, the Blahgirls webisodes are hard to understand.  What the hell is Kutcher and his team trying to lambast?  Old celeb gossip?  Gay men who talk with a lisp? Or stupid women who are so annoying and stupid all they do is care about celebrity gossip?

While I’m sure (at least I’m hope I’m sure) Ashton doesn’t think all women are stupid and annoying, his BlahGirls are in no way funny or timely enough to satirize anything, so all they end up doing is asserting stereotypes.  Why anyone would bookmark this website is beyond me, and it’s also beyond me why anyone would think to build it.  There’s nothing new here, Ashton.  Aren’t you like..26 years old?  How are you so behind the times? Read More »

Ryan, if you would just date me, you would have no home to wreck!

Caution, triathlons may kill you

Dunkin’ Donuts gets healthyish...

This list is stupid

Spanx are actually…kind of…not the healthiest body image idea

Americans hate fat people.

Kutcher VS Timberlake: Who’s the biggest douche?

Make fun of yourself. I dig it

The grey area of sexual responsibility

Why does Hollywood insist on remakes?

The cast members on CBS’s Big Brother — OH MY GOD THIS IS SO SCARY!! — survive yesterday’s earthquake

Going out in the city can be daunting. There are so many factors to consider— is this going to be a night of a) bar hopping, b) clubbing, c) karaoke, d) comedy, or perhaps, e) some impromptu party at some guy’s apartment in Brooklyn who goes by the name “Pi”??

Indeed, any of these possibilities could result in the ultimate goal… drinking, having fun and laughing your pants off (literally and figuratively, but hopefully not at the same time).

Unless you are in “the scene” or “know people” or have a third boob, it’s not always easy to get past the doormen and into the places that you heard Ashton Kutcher hit up last weekend…But I’m here to tell you that “the scene” is not all its cracked up to be and it’s nearly impossible to keep up with because the lifespan of a trendy bar or club has a suspiciously similar longevity to that of a botox injection… coincidence? I THINK NOT! The socialites of New York dare not become “regulars” anywhere… except in the chair of the best surgeon in town.

If, however, you are so compelled to risk a dehumanizing rejection at the velvet ropes of say, Tenjune… I would do the following… (where there’s a will, there’s a way..)

1. Throw a couple names at the doorman like “I’m here with Scooter’s party” or “Is Terrick working tonight?” Read More »

I feel it is time, time to LEARN, time to take notes….whip out your index cards, your recorders, your brilliant memory and LISTEN: Cougars, know shit we don’t.

If you disagree with me, all I’m going to say is…..if you could bag Ashton Kutcher would you??? RIGHT. So don’t argue with me, we all would. Demi could teach us a lesson or two, or eight.

Us twenty somethings DIDN’T “bag” Kutcher, a cougar did, since cougars have tricks we should add to the “bag” in order to…. “bag.” (Insert cheesy joke here, I couldn’t help myself.)

Obviously, we’ll never be able to compete with time, since, that’s science and time is an uncontrollable factor. However, if we are SMART, we’ll take some of the vampy COUGAR tricks in order to ooze absolute sex appeal, without having to wear “Mom jeans” (if you don’t know “Mom jeans”, look at your mothers flat, heart shaped ass and tell me how much that ISN’T cougar material.)

If we are smart, we already have a step up, since hey, we don’t have to worry about age defying wrinkle cream, menopause, gray hairs…and shit (the “and shit” was added for my immature emphasis.)

So what is a “Cougar” anyway, you ask??
A Cougar: A babe beyond 40. Sex drive on HIGH. Heels, on HIGH. Hair, on HIGH, with the assistance of Aqua Net, and BOOBS, up HIGH.
But most importantly…CONFIDENCE at a soaring dangerous level of: HIGH. Read More »

Have you heard of this new ridiculousness that is taking over the internet?

Last night, while on the phone with my 30 year old brother, who might I preface this article with, is one of the most conservative people I know.

There is quite the age gap between us and he spent my college years lecturing me on why I should never drink the punch, how beer is actually made out of yeast-piss and how that everything I wear, even if it’s a birka or a burlap sack, is too provocative.

So imagine my surprise when he sent me to a porn site.

“Um, I’m sorry, are YOU of all people, sending me to a porn site?”
“Just do it and watch the video in the center, its funny”

Now let me warn you- to be fair- that this is far from funny. If throwing up my dinner is considered funny, then yes, I guess calling this funny would be appropriate. So as I sat there screaming on the phone, my brother and sister-in-law were in fact, highly amused.

Funny is in the eye of the beholder I guess. Read More »

I seriously feel bad for Rumer Willis.

First, her parents go and give her a stupid name like Rumer. It’s not spelled right to be the noun (or transitive verb), so her name is basically a made-up word that sounds like the thing your worst enemy spreads about you in high school.

Second, her mom goes and marries a guy only a few years older than her. So now she’s got a perpetual kid in a trucker hat as a dad, and probably has to fight off urges to A) sleep with him herself or B) picture him naked with her mom.

Thirdly, her real dad has been known to rub up against every hot young thing in Hollywood.

Gross.

And as if all that wasn’t enough, she’s got some of the worst genes I’ve seen in a while.

It’s totally not her fault, but I mean, who knew that Bruce Willis and Demi Moore would combine to create someone…so round? I’ve truly never seen a face so oval in my life, and her newest choice of hair color isn’t helping things.

PerezHilton can’t stand her, and always calls her out on whatever she tries to do to divert attention away from her radically round head.

If I were her, I’d be crying every night from some of the things he writes.

While I consider myself to be above insulting someone’s genetic make-up, I’m not above saying that if I were Rumer Willis, I’d be pretty damn pissed at my parents. Read More »

Nerds and Sorority girls. They go together like a John Hughes movie and the 80’s.

Which is probably why Washington State’s Linux Users Group (the university’s largest computer club) has decided put out a memo to all the sororities on campus: “Make us over, and we’ll do your homework.”

In an effort to attract more women to the computer science program (and get a free haircut), the “nerds” of WSU’s Linux Club plan to host a “nerd auction”.

“You can buy a nerd and he’ll fix your computer”, their website explains, “help you with stats homework, or if you’re really adventurous, take you to dinner!”

But before the computer loving dudes go through with the auction, they’re looking for a few good sorority girls to make them more appealing.

“If anyone’s going to bid on us, we’ll need some spicing up. And who better to help with that than sorority girls who like nothing better than a makeover?”

While the whole “Beauty and the Greek” (sound familiar to anyone?) event is still in the planning stages, WSU’s computer program has garnered national attention because of it.

Will the idea bring more chicks into the lives of these self-described nerds? Of course!

Will the girls stick around? No f*cking way. Read More »