Eating whilst drunk is, in general, about as smart as sexing up strangers whilst drunk or calling ex-boyfriends whilst drunk, which is to say not very smart at all.

All the same, when I’ve consumed large amounts of alcohol, I’m going to go across the street and get chicken tenders from Whataburger. It’s just something that is inevitably going to happen, like Christmas every year, like my period every month (knock on wood), like my g*ddamn alarm clock going off every morning.

Because there is no single more satisfying aspect of the drinking experience than eating a lukewarm chicken tender at 2:30 in the morning. The nuanced interplay between the textures of chicken and breading somehow melds perfectly with the taste of Guinness that still lingers in my mouth.

That isn’t to say, of course, that other cravings don’t arise in my drunken state. Here are some other drunk food favs:

Potato Chips - Usually Sour Cream and Onion, which causes a serious breath issue in the morning (Onion + Alcohol=another reason to vomit). At the time, though, (like so many other things) it really seems like a great idea. Potato chips are usually pretty filling, you usually already have some at your house so you don’t have to drive around to find an open store to buy them (unless you live in a legitimate city and can simply walk outside for food) and they are fairly portable. By this I mean, you can’t very well bring your Chalupa into bed with you as you pass out. Or at least you really shouldn’t. I’ve passed out with my hand in a bag of chips before. Some would call that a cry for help, I would have called it being prepared. Read More »

This week, 100+ college and university presidents from across the country signed to the Amethyst Initiative, a petition to lower the drinking age from 21 to 18. In a statement on the project website the alliance of university higher-ups suggest:

“A culture of dangerous, clandestine “binge-drinking”—often conducted off-campus—has developed. Alcohol education that mandates abstinence as the only legal option has not resulted in significant constructive behavioral change among our students.”

Strong critics to the plan, particularly Mothers Against Drunk Driving, suggests a lowered drinking age would result in increased fatal car crashes.

Both sides can agree that collegiate alcohol abuse is a serious problem and the current system isn’t working.

One factor that neither side seems to be addressing is that by lowering the drinking age to 18, you make it legal for a majority of high school seniors to buy the hooch.

Yes, most resourceful high school students can get their hands on some rail booze, usually courtesy of older siblings at an inflated price. But consider the floodgates that would open up if you could get your hands on legal alcohol as a high school student. Read More »

Not so long ago, in a fantasyland far, far away called College, I was your average little freshman, running around wide-eyed and ready to meet as many college boys as possible. And, because I went Greek, I pretty much had to find some unsuspecting (i.e., completely suspecting) frat boy to accompany me to winter semiformal.

Somehow, I found the one non-douchey frat boy ever to exist. He was perfect: tall, dark, and beautiful, with a 4.0, perfect teeth, a lot of cute friends, and - the kicker—a self-pact to not drink until he was 21. Which meant there would be no pre-game, just… game. And I had none, because he was that hot.

I’m not entirely sure why he said yes, and I’m not sure why I thought I was even cool enough to ask this guy out, but somehow the transaction occurred and there we were, sitting, soberly, talking for two hours while my friends drunkenly danced and ran around. Ever the gentleman, he took me to pseudo-dinner at 2:30 AM, got his leftovers wrapped and then drove me back to my dorm. And so it was time to say goodnight.

Ever the self-conscious one, I assumed that he wasn’t interested, but had put on a happy face so as not to crush my little freshman dreams. And just as I went to kiss him on the cheek, his mouth landed fully on mine. I was shocked. He hadn’t tried to make a move all night!

So clearly, the normal reaction is to kiss right back and linger a little longer, possibly suggest you get a tour of his house, etc. But no, rather than being caught up in the moment I said, “MUAH.”

Yes. That’s right. Right after he makes his move, the first thing that my body, which must hate me, does, is pucker right back up and say “MUAH.” Read More »