• Get Lauren Conrad a present! Because, you know, she needs one and all.

• Going to an Ugly Sweater Party this weekend? Check out some terrible ones…

• Have nothing to talk about when you’re home with the parents? Everyone loves a horrible, horrible joke!

• You’d think with the holidays around the corner mothers could give their kids a break…not so for this hard-ass mom!

• “Don’t tase me, bro!” is the top quote of 2007! Congrats?

• The internet is used for something positive! It’s a Christmas miracle!

• Nobody wants to see this picture anyway…

• Authorities in Park Slope say that a little girl who draws on the sidewalk is to be fined for graffiti. Well, good! I needed just one more reason to think that Brooklyn is totally, totally lame. (Brooklyn Press)

• Pirates vs Zombies! Apparently, they couldn’t wait two more weeks. (Pioneer Press)

• Best/worst quote of the week: “[She was] Just holding the baby out of the window and I was like ‘Oh no … no … no.’” (Baynews9.com)

• Kinda like the story above, except reverse! I can’t help but think the little guy is adorable (and a better driver than me!). (Yahoo!)

• Parents who sign their kids up for pole dancing lessons are f*cking idiots…but, like, if you’re 9 years old and dancing on a pole while your other friends are playing T-Ball…wouldn’t you kinda know something isn’t quite right? (COED Magazine)

• If your ringtone is going to be an orgasm (ugh, totally lame), turn it off before you are in the midst of a courtroom. Manners, people! (news.com.au)

• London residents panic over chemical spill…I mean, 5-alarm chili! Literally. (timesonline.co.uk)

• Alabama woman: “My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up.” Haven’t we all thought that at some point? (TBO.com)

• Father makes 6 year old son chug a beer. Hilarity does not ensue. (tbo.com)

• An Alabama couple celebrates their 80th wedding anniversary. “After all these years,” he said, “I still enjoy being with her.” Does this give us hope or does it make us morbidly depressed? I’m going with depressed. (sfgate.com)

• Ditzy cheerleader bloopers are always a great way to wake up in the morning. (COED Magazine)