Recently, PETA issued a letter to ice cream moguls Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield suggesting that instead of using cow milk for their creamy deliciousness (mmm..Phish Food), Ben & Jerry should consider switching to human breast milk.

Ew, what?

According to PETA’s executive V.P. Tracy Reiman, breast milk is healthier than cow’s milk since “Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer.”

Riiiiiiiiiight.

And of course, it’s better for the cows. Cows, like humans, only lactate during and after pregnancy so in order to keep the milk a-comin,’ heifers are periodically impregnated every nine months.

So, ok, I’m 100% against animal cruelty, but really? Don’t humans also only lactate during and after pregnancy? Would it not be cruel to therefore periodically impregnate women to produce enough milk for this venture? And where would Ben and Jerry find enough women willing to have their breasts pumped to feed America’s need for Chunky Monkey?

Milk, that is cow’s milk, has been part of human diet since, forever, and I just don’t think that human breast milk is really going to replace it. And let’s be real, who would actually eat ice cream made from human-teet milk? Besides a few freaks out there who are prolly into that…

(Photo from www.missbehavemag.com)

As that song your mother listens to on the Oldies station says, “breaking up is hard to do (oo).” Especially these days when people have all sorts of options when it comes to communication. It sometimes seems that people sit down and contemplate the absolute worst way to dump someone…and then do it.

Below is my list of the top five ways to dump someone. If any of these have happened to you, I feel for you sister; I really do.

1. Instant Message. A friend of mine was recently dumped via AIM. By her boyfriend of six months. Six freaking months and he didn’t have the decency to do this in person. The last time I was broken up with on instant messenger was in 8th grade, and even then it was barely acceptable. Any self respecting male over the age of 15 should muster up enough cojones to do their dirty work in person. Douchebags.

2. Text (Rusty Cartwright style). This method is highly unrealistic, at least in my experience. For me there would be no confirmation; the jerk would just disappear off the face of the earth until I ran into him at 1 am in sweatpants at the library. Still, the guy who employs this tactic is a little bitch, in my own humble opinion. If you are ever or ever have been dumped in this manner (or the aforementioned AIM breakup) then you probably don’t need me to tell you that honey, you are waaaay better off without that prick. Read More »