It’s September 2nd, which means we must tuck our bikinis back in their drawers, slather ourselves in aloe vera, and hang our heads low as we mourn the coming end of summer. This also means that school is starting again, and for incoming college freshmen this brings a whole new kind of dread.

Sure, you’re excited to meet new people, take classes you chose out of your course catalog, and maybe even explore a new city. But there are things to worry about. A lot of them. Maybe it’s that you’re living away from home for the first time, or living across the country. There are more things you need to be prepared for than just athlete’s foot in the communal showers (plastic sandals will take care of that).

As someone who survived four years and two colleges and managed to graduate with all four of my limbs and at least a bit of dignity, I feel I should imbue on you, humble reader, ten important lessons and tips to help you enjoy college safely and happily, from picking classes to surviving alcohol poisoning.

1. Make orientation week count. I skipped a lot of the activities scheduled for orientation week and later came to regret it. I didn’t want to wake up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston, but what I didn’t realize is that a lot of people did wake up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston and, in doing so, met all those other people who got up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston. You’re not going to meet people if you hole up in your room, so go out as often as you can.

2. Taste-test classes. So you didn’t get into that History of Watching TV class you really wanted to take, go to the first class or two anyway. You’ll be amazed at how many people drop out of the class and a space for you may become available. The same goes for a class with a bad teacher. If sucky prof is teaching a general ed class you have to take, visit the same class taught by a different teacher. In my experience, a great teacher can make any class interesting and enjoyable. Read More »

In this day and age, much is expected of men once they reach that strange college age: they must be strong yet sensitive, mature yet playful, erudite yet down-to-earth.

And most of all they must have a damn condom on them when the time comes. But of course, they forget; they were probably thinking something manly, like going to the moon or doing their Stats homework.

Make no mistake: if you’re gunning for it, sexy time will happen at college, and inevitably you’ll sometimes get stuck picking up the contraceptive slack. When you do, you’ll need to know your condoms. You don’t want any unpleasant surprises (”Honey, this is a sea anenome”).

Here are a few some notes, with thanks to the University of Connecticut’s Health Services office.

Obviously, everyone knows how to put a condom on. Obviously! Right? Double check, because even if you’re not the one wearing the jimmy hat, you’ll want to be keeping the dude honest. It’s very manly to make stupid mistakes.

Normal condoms don’t really need an explanation. It’s notable, though, that there’s nothing actually special about Trojans, other than their cool namesake (nobody ever mentions the ancient Babylonian epic “Durexia” for example). They aren’t any more durable or comfortable than any other standard brand. Read More »

I like to think of myself as a progressive woman. I pay my own rent, buy my own drinks at the bar, and I don’t expect my boyfriend to have to pay for me. I am a big fan of the unspoken agreement we have where I’ll pick up the tab sometimes, and he’ll get it others. So far its been working out well, and I’ve had no complaints - until now. Two words: Birth Control.

As it seems, birth control is one of those things that the girl is expected to pay for, and I am not happy about it. Last week I went to pick up a few months worth of birth control and was completely shocked to hear the nurse say to me, “That will be $97 dollars.” I stared blankly, and peered into my brown paper bag, yep, there was still only 3 months worth in there. She must be mistaken, so I asked her to make sure.

Nope, $97 bucks. Obviously I have grown too accustom to the generous helpings of birth control that were handed out at the health center in college like candy. Free candy.

I sadly handed over my visa and thought of the darling little number at Banana Republic that I would have to put on the back burner for another pay check and went home.

Upon my arrival, my gent inquired as to my appointment. I jumped at the opportunity to share my outrageous bill and almost vaguely saw a ray of hope towards getting the outfit from Banana again! This would be the time when my gent says: “Whoa! $97 bucks?? I’ll give you some money for that.” Because lets face it, it is the right thing to do and as I recall, it takes two to tango.

This sentiment in mind, you can imagine my shock to hear this: Read More »

This week was a doozy. We found out that John Edwards is an evil man-whore, pedophilia is totally fine as long as you are talking about a celebrity, and, contrary to popular belief, shopping actually makes women cry.

But not many people seemed to notice all that with the Olympics goin’ on.

It is hard to pay attention to anything when Michael Phelps is all over the news, breaking world records and being all around sexy. He even sorta makes me forget all about the darker side of the games. Drinking doesn’t hurt, either.

All this Olympic watching, though, has totally sucked up our back-to-school packing time. It is impossible to concentrate on that To Do List when all these gorgeous men are popping up on our TVs. There is just so much to do and remember before we get back to the dorms. Ugh; we can only imagine what incoming freshmen are dealing with. (Even worse…we wish we were incoming freshmen again.)

What we wouldn’t give to have those random hookups again. To hunt for men in class. To flirt with unsuspecting males for free drinks. To spend all day watching bad TV. To get cheap birth control from the University Health Service.

Ah. Must. Snap. Out. Of. It.

Well, since it’s the weekend, we can at least hit the town like we are still freshmen (only with better ID’s)…

So the other day I came across this article and as my eyes traveled down the page I could feel my blood boiling. Not only does birth control add a few extra pounds (to some of us girls) and possibly cause random health problems, now people are saying that it effects the way those of us taking it “smell” potential mates. Like, BC might actually make it harder to find the right guy.

As someone who’s been taking it for 7 years, I obviously flipped out upon reading, because what the hell I’m just trying to stop my monster cramps and not have a baby!??!!

Read More »

She’ll give you a lap dance, as long as you hold her cane

I guess I’m not the only one who has no idea how to do that damn self breast exam

How to “unlock” your iPhone 3G

Sure! Let’s define Birth Control as abortion!! Sounds like a plan, George W!!!

Yo, stop buying sh*t

I always thought they were recycling this stuff

Oh man, these Belugas are seriously tripping me out

Some best friend she is

Eat your Pork Rinds, Billy! They’re good for you

Sarah Jessica Parker’s Mole…ohmygod you guys, it’s gone!!

So I have a confession to make: Before reading your insightful comments on my, ‘Reconnecting With the Ex‘ post I did something stupid.

Like a mindless monkey, I welcomed the guy into my house. He greeted me with a bottle of wine. Nervously, we sat in my living room chit-chatting (both knowing in the back of our minds what could happen). He was trying to find a corner to sit in comfortably while I was painted the room. Awkward as humanly possible.

I wasn’t ready to give into him again. But, as always happens with alcohol always, my opinion was slightly different after a few glasses of wine. So, an empty bottle later, we were sprawled out on my couch, covered in paint, holding hands.

(Awww, cute, right? PUKE.) Read More »

Casually surfing the web this past week, I came across a recent New York Times article with the headline “Albanian Custom Fades: Woman as Family Man”. No offense to the Times, but it should have been called “The Impressive Story of the Sworn Virgins of Albania”. Albania is a mountainous agrarian country where blood feuds still wipe out large portions of the male population. In this very traditional society, women aren’t allowed to own guns and consequently have no means of protecting themselves once their husband, brother, or father is killed—nor do they have a way of avenging the death.

So they adapted. It was decided that a woman could become a man with full social privilege and respect—for the small price of lifelong virginity. For villagers such a concept seemed clear enough, after all a man’s life was worth the same as a virgin (12 oxen) while a woman’s life was only worth 6 oxen.

The article interviewed several so-called “sworn virgins”. One chose this path at the age of 20 following the murder of her father and death/imprisonment of her anti-regime brothers. For her it was a move of practicality — she states that if given the option now, she would probably choose to be a woman. That now with the influx of modernity being a woman might actually be “fun”. Read More »

Not everyone is on birth control, and for those of us who have, for one reason or another, said no thanks to those tiny multicolored pills, figuring out when Aunt Flow is going to arrive can be somewhat of a hassle.

We’ve all been there; you wake up and instantly feel stabby pains gnawing at your insides, already knowing you’re going to have to do laundry before you throw off the covers to investigate. Or you suddenly sit up a little straighter in your chair, taking a moment to process the fact that yes, your period has indeed started without warning, right in the middle of class.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to find a pattern, a method to the madness of your menstral cycle? Well, now there is — on the internet, no less! Mon.thly.info is a website that was invented to help women everywhere keep track of their cycles with a super simple, super clean interface.

“Each time you start your period, add the date to your Mon.thly account“, the website states, “and it will use your history to predict the next time your cycle will start. Read More »

Some may disagree (and some may do so strongly), but sex is a large part of many college ladies’ lives. I don’t know if it can be attributed to Sex and the City, or simply a general relaxation on expectations of women, but sexual curiosity and exploration are just more widely accepted these days. Sex with no strings attached has become every woman’s right.

So, when I go out and meet a strapping young lad…and find myself sleeping soundly next to him the following morning, I never question it, or myself. And my friends don’t question it either. I am having fun. I am enjoying my freedom. I am making some fantastic memories.

I am a mature, responsible young lady; I may break the rules my mother lived by, but at least I am doing it carefully.

Sharing my sexual exploitations with my friends is so natural – as are their reactions of excitement, glee and interest in the details. We are in our 20’s, having a good time; this is not who we are, it is simply something fun that we may do. I am not saying that we collect sexual partners like I collect shoes; we are just having a grand ole’ time. Read More »