First they told me to watch out for love handles. Then they said my butt wouldn’t be pretty until I got an ass lift. Then calf injections were all the rage. Then I got worried about kankles.

And now, toebesity is on the rise.

What the hell is tobesity, you ask? Ugh. I wish I didn’t know either, but apparently, there are plastic surgeons—and really vain patients—who are willing to scalpel, suck, and reshape those little piggies.

That’s right. Women are reportedly getting their toes remodeled and pumped with collagen so they can fit into shoes engineered to be uncomfortable. They’re also getting their feet lipoed (I kid you not), and shortening toes. Most of these procedures have nothing to do with medical normalities. It’s all about crafting the perfect foot.

Why do this? There’s no good answer.

And that’s it. I have nothing else to say. I am rendered completely speechless by the stupidity of this procedure and the narcissists who pay for it.

If you must waste money on changing your face, your torso, or filling your chest with watery plastic bags, then so be it. But for godsake, stay away from your feet.

What do you think about Toebesity?

TMZ is reporting that Laguna Beach douchebag Spencer Pratt (boyfriend of the vapid Heidi) and Nicole Riche’s baby daddy Joel Madden had a little bit of a run in last Saturday.

According to Pratt himself, Nicole’s Tattooed Ticket Out of Jail came up to him at the Beverly Hills Hotel screaming “you’ve been talking shit about my girl!” and wouldn’t stop until he was forcibly removed from the area.

Spencer claims it was all a “misunderstanding” stemming from “an interview in Details ages ago where I was misquoted, calling Nicole a skinny bitch. It’s all a misunderstanding. I’ve always thought she’s a really nice girl and I wouldn’t call her that.”

Ugh. Nothing makes me dry heave faster than a rich prick trying to cover his tracks. Looks like Heidi’s got herself her very own BSG.

Good job, Boobalicious. Here’s hoping he’ll love you as much as he loves his hair.

Every time I watch a horror story on tv about botched boob jobs, I always wonder why someone would choose to put foreign substances like silicone in their body. Regardless, the FDA has officially approved silicone-filled gel implants for breast augmentations. Is it just me or do all the scary stories that end with boobs looking more like lumpy tumors than actual breasts always involve silicone being the culprit?

It’s possible that I simply don’t understand the angst of flat-chested women and why someone would take the risk because I have rocked a solid C since sophomore year of high school.

Well maybe our dear Heidi Montag from The Hills could explain a thing or two to me. Yes, it’s official: Heidi decided to do something about her itty bitty titties. She recently underwent surgery for breast implants in Beverly Hills.

According to usmagazine.com, “Heidi just doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” says a source. “She did this for herself, and she’s hoping to keep it as private as possible.”

Oh Heidi, I’m sure the new twins will be kept “very private” when splashed across the screen of your next reality show venture.