Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?

Thanks to a little piece of wire, some lace straps, and cups (not the porcelain kind) this hasn’t been an issue for a century now.

Happy 100th birthday bra!

Vogue first wrote about bras in 1907, when they were simply around for function and comfort. Nowadays, even members of the itty-bitty-t*tty committee get pleasure out of bra shopping, so much so that it’s become an important part of everyday fashion.

You know what I mean, like when you’re feeling sneaky, sultry, and seductive in an oversized hoodie because shhh, you’ve got your ‘unstrap me or else’ black lace bust booster on underneath. Hellooo, why do you think they call it Victoria’s Secret???

The clever contraption’s birthday comes at the perfect time, with the ever-so-popular Victoria’s Secret fashion show on tonight. (Airs on CBS at 10!)

In a college culture where any silly event is morphed into a full-on blowout boozin’ binge bash, I think I’ve already heard of four different VS viewings tonight, each with a lingerie dress code and lots and lots of champagne.

What better reason to break out the bubbly than a b-day for brassieres?

It’s not like I expect Maxim to be the New York Times. It’s not like I expect them to propagate feminist causes. I don’t even really expect them to be very literary—but going after certain women and calling them “unsexy”?

That’s just lame.

The Five Unsexiest Women Alive list, compiled as a direct response to Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive article, is a negative, annoying editorial meant to do nothing except pick on aging stars and go after girls who are already suffering.

Explaining #5 on the list has “about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge”, Maxim goes after the easiest target of 2007, Britney Spears. Yes, she used to be hot and now she looks a little rough. Yes, she used to be a badass dancer and now thinks stumbling around constitutes a performance. Yes, she’s a bit of a media whore…but the girl has problems. Big, intense problems. Let’s give her a bit of a break, shall we?

Besides, when was being “not skinny” having “pudge”? Read More »

Have you ever thought, “you know what? Screw traditional strapless bras, I want to squish my boobs into a semi-torture device!”

No? Well, someone has.

The Faveo Freedom Bra, invented by “scientist / business woman” Joanne Morgan, is supposedly the next best thing in undergarments, but looks to me like the next best thing in uncomfortable.

After buying a strapless dress and having no bra to wear with it, Morgan decided that instead of returning her purchase, she as going to whip something up herself. “I started to experiment with new ways to invent a bra.”

Morgan is quoted as saying, “I had my Eureka moment after a couple of glasses of wine.”

Her “Eureka moment” seems to consist mostly of a belty-strap thing that squeezes each individual boob and a piece of fabric that goes over the front. How this actually provides support or is even worth buying is beyond me, but maybe that’s just because I’m not a “scientist / business woman”.

Want to see more? Check out the instructional video after the jump! Read More »

Like Nair, I’ve always been a little freaked out by my hair.

Being Italian, I’m blessed with lots of the stuff. It’s nice on my head, but anywhere else…a little less so. At least according to society.

The first time I realized nobody liked a hairy girl was in 6th grade. I was sitting in class in a t-shirt, trying to deal with early June heat and a new sensation I now know as “bra sweat”.

A kid, who I’m pretty sure was (and probably still is) named David, turned around and stared at me while the teaching wasn’t looking. “Yo, look at your arms!” he said as loudly as only a 12-year-old boy can, “who invited Harry and the Hendersons over?”

Harry and the Hendersons was a show based around Bigfoot.

That stinging comment has (obviously) stayed with me for years, and since then I have shaved everything—at least everything I could reach.

I often wish I could just chuck the razor in the drawer and never deal with balancing precariously in my shower again, but 6th grade David is always around, along with completely hairless movie stars, magazine models, and guys who continually obsess over girls being clean shaven “down there”.

This girl, on the other hand, is no slave to the razor. At least, she hasn’t been for a year. Read More »

Do you love helping people figure out how cold it is in a room?

Are you really into guys staring at your chest?

Have you always wanted nipples that were huge and robot-like?

Then get yourself a pair of bodyperks.

“Draw attention to your natural assets,” exclaims their website, “They make you look and feel wonderfully sassy.”

Before a reader can begin to ponder the word ‘sassy’ and why anyone in this day and age would use it, the website goes on to explain what exactly bodyperks are:

“They are lightweight, natural colored, silicone nipples that you insert into your bra and place directly on your own nipple…Create your own look and wear them with tight t-shirts, sexy halters, dresses, twin sets, swimsuits and more”.

Of course. Fake nipples. Exactly what I’ve always wanted. Read More »

VS Invisible Lace Push-up, $34-37                    VS Eyelet Trim Chemise, $19

Apparently, the “milk and cookies” look (black bra under your white tee) is out. But to the New York local news station who dubbed this a fashion don’t, I say screw you. If the full page spread in today’s WWD isn’t a reassurance that I’m not a total fashion don’t, it’s another reminder that the black under white trend has spread from the streets and into the bedroom. Read More »

Spanx bodyshapers, padded and minimizing bras, even LoveMyBuns padded undwear—nowadays, a girl can tuck, lift, and boost almost any body part. These products are great for those days when we need a little help sliding into those favorite jeans or fitting into a date-night little black dress.

But what happens when one needs to slip out of the little black dress? Suddenly, that fake foam ass sewed into your boyshorts isn’t looking so bootylicious.

I found myself in this conundrum the other night, following a few bottles of wine shared over a blind date. We were stumbling back to his apartment when I was suddenly stricken with panic. I clumsily felt for the waistband of my skirt, confirming what I knew was true already—I was wearing a very unsexy pair of control-top pantyhose that ended somewhere in the vicinity of my armpits.

Without a purse with me, I couldn’t simply take them off in his bathroom, unless I planned to parade them through the living room. No, if I wanted any action that night, I would have to risk frightening the poor guy. Read More »

This weekend, my boyfriend took me to a New Jersey mall…and I didn’t automatically break-up with him. Surprising I know. I was commissioned to help him pick out some shirts, of course I said yes. If anyone strokes my fashion ego, I’m like buttah.

I even overlooked the horrifying comment that, “We should pretend to shop for wedding rings.” That was a tough one. I stood there all agape like he was wielding an ax or something. Yuck. Sorry about the tangent, I had to get that off my chest. It has been freaking me out all day. If you have any advice about this one, please feel free to comment.

However, we can talk about Mary’s adventures in sheer terror later, right now I want to share what I learned about boys and lingerie at the mall….in New Jersey. I pulled the boy into Victoria’s Secret for two reasons, the first being to distract him from the fact that by this point I was sweating heavily, secondly I had a yen for some “Sexy, Little Things.” While I had him in the store, I took the opportunity to ask him about kind of lingerie got him all hot and bothered. Read More »