I think it’s the eyeliner. And the bandana. That tattooed biker androgyny with a catalogue of hair band ballads and liquid sex. Those not-too-tight but not-too-loose perfectly faded bootcut jeans and vintage t-shirts, the flowing hair oh, and that bandana. And the eyeliner. Definitely the eyeliner.

I can’t help it. I’m a lesbian in love with Bret Michaels.

I don’t care that he’s 45, or from Pennsylvania, the most un-glam, un-hard, un-rocking state. Or that he has two kids. Or that he likes the Steelers. When I look at Bret, clouds turn to rainbows and puppies and bunnies frolic across my bedroom floor. And when I watch Rock of Love, I could care less about the 25 girls—all I see is Bret.

Alright. I know I sound like every other obsessive fan girl. In fact, I haven’t been this obsessed with a celebrity since Hanson back in 7th grade. I mean, there must be a good reason for it. Maybe it’s the country thing. I grew up in a small town, I had a horse, I played in the dirt and built BMX jumps and didn’t have cable until high school. My mom taught me young the value of a man in a good pair of cowboy boots and a Stetson. Maybe that’s it. Bret’s like home to me. Minus the septic tank. Read More »

Last episode, the USO show of horrors went off beautifully and there was KJ drama.

This episode begins with the girls working out. I’d been wondering if the girls worked out while they were there, especially KJ, Daisy and Megan, because they seem to be in the best shape and you have to work to maintain that sort of thing.
After the workout, KJ calls Joe, her second husband with whom she hadn’t spoken in two weeks, and starts telling him in her vague crazy way that she really wants a divorce.

You crazy broad, I thought that you’d already filed for divorce?!? Joe’s reaction makes it clear that things were possibly heading toward reconciliation before KJ fell in love with Bret. In like three days. She loves him. Please.

Bret escaped the house while all of the above transpired. I don’t blame him. Though I wonder if he was driving through LA with top down on his car while blaring Poison. Because that would be the smoothest move and he might get some non-reality show camera whore tail.

Big John and his super slick hair deliver the “sexy six” their strip-o-gram. Did he smooth his hair when he walked away? He is the true star of this show. Read More »

Last time: Forget it, who cares.

It’s morning at the Bret House O’ Tramps and Inna’s having a rough time because during the previous elimination, Bret told her that he feels like they are losing their connection. (Like wireless?)

Inna says that as she feels more for Bret, she knows that she’s not stepping up. Meaning that she’s keeping her pants on. It’s got to be exhausting to be in that house for any amount of time dealing with all of the stupid and the tramps.

Big John and his freshly done ‘do give the girls their strip-o-gram outlining their challenge for the day. Two older ladies are in the living room with Bret and he tells the girls that he and Big John are big supporters of the troops. By ‘big supporters’, he’s clearly referring to their flag bandanas, as they have matching ones I’m sure. Read More »

Last time: mud bowl, Bret kept everyone around for this episode and – God, I don’t care, just cut to eliminations now please.

Episode 6 starts bright and early in the morning. Bret wakes up the girls and Big John, who I find to be more and more intriguing with each episode, hands Pey-ton a Bret-O-Gram (what the hell are they calling these?) to read aloud outlining the challenge for the day.

Where is Bret from, like, Pittsburgh? Any Pittsburgh girls want to come out and tell me if there are any cowboys out where you are?

I ask because the challenge is broken down into three events involving greased pigs, lassoing and horses. Anyway, Rodeo and her “hellish laugh” come out on a horse to help with the Rocker Rodeo Relay and I hate the people who named this challenge. Just like the Mud Bowl, there will be two teams and the MVP will win a solo date while the remaining winning team members get a group date.

Team captains again get to choose their teammates. Catherine and her beehive lead the blue team (Inna, Peyton, Daisy and Megan) and Ambre leads the red team (Destiney, KJ and Jesssica).

Stupid Megan thinks that the girls are jealous of her hotness and that’s why no one picks her. No, stupid, it’s because you probably don’t understand the rules of the games without diagrams and finger paint. Read More »

Last time: Aubry looked a fool and…that’s really it.

It’s the morning of Episode 5 in the ROL house and nine girls remain. Rather, three women, one dummie and five skanks. Big John gathers the naughty nine or whatever Bret’s calling them; I don’t know because I’m so fixated on Big John’s scarfless head. Unlike Bret, lurking under Big John’s scarf is a full head of his own hair. He even styled it. Big John’s on the prowl for leftovers!

The challenge for this episode is Bret’s Mud Bowl 2. Daisy the Blowfish says that she’s never played – good, I hope that you get injured.

The teams are named the Sweethearts and the Fallen Angels, which sound like cheesy girl biker gang names. Bret looks absolutely ridiculous in shorts with those chicken legs. Dude, my grandpa’s legs are buffer than yours. Read More »

I must confess that I’ve been unable to watch a new full episode of Rock of Love. I keep catching it 28 minutes in and I don’t have tivo or any of that fancy crap so I must make do one what I saw.

Shall we?

I am happy to have missed Lacey’s return. I hated her so much that I carry those stank feelings into the new season. Didn’t they roller derby in the last season? I’m sure. Clearly the objective for each team in the Season Two derby is to protect the baby in the stroller and whichever team incurs the least amount of damage on the plastic doll wins a date.

So blah blah derby and the team with Trantastique, Inna, Aubry and Ice Princess Kristy Joe wins. The first three get a group date with Bret and KJ gets a private date.

I heard that Bret took the first three to a burlesque club where they each had to do sexy dance and I use the term sexy very loosely. I’m sure that Inna rocked it; I don’t know how Aubry measures up. And I know that Trantastique not only got naked, she got in trouble for it. I. Love. This. She-man. Read More »

Jessica Simpson, Lauren Conrad, Justin Timberlake, Jes Whats-her-name from Rock of Love, Tila Tequila. What do all these people have in common besides pretty faces? Clothing lines of course!

It seems that every star and pseudo-star is coming out with more stuff for us to buy. You know you want to smell like Britney Spears (booze and cigarettes?) and of course we all need some Lauren Conrad boots. You can even buy Jessica Simpson hair extensions.

Every single celeb has something to sell, and we need to stop them. Immediately. Half the ladies from Rock of Love seem to be announcing clothing line launches. Mia and Jes have ties in Chii Clothing Culture which consists of cheesy t-shirts and hoodies. Nothing very interesting, but certainly helping extend their fifteen minutes of fame.

Jessica Simpson’s clothing line “Sweet Kisses” is exactly what is sounds like. Whore clothes for nice girls. Please don’t let your daughters leave the house wearing this stuff. Unless you are Joe Simpson, then you may use your daughter for your financial gain as much as you please.

Lauren Conrad’s line consists of what I like to refer to as “the bag dress,” and cheaply made scarves and shawls. These things aren’t exactly bargains, although maybe in Lauren Conrad’s world they are. You can also buy 45 dollar leggings. I wonder how long LC had to study in design school to create black leggings. Ugh, my contempt grows. Read More »

I feel like there is going to be a hole in my Sunday nights where Rock of Love used to be. The reunion special that aired on Sunday was the last we will be seeing of Bret Michaels and his lovely ladies for a while. Well, until they come out with a Rock of Love 2.
For those of you who missed the airing, or the hundred replays this week on VH1, I offer you this recap of all that went down on the final episode of my favorite show this year.

The show was hosted by Riki Rachtman. (for those of you who were three when he was famous, Rachtman was the host of Headbanger’s Ball in the 80’s and a close friend of Axl Rose).

Rachtman brought out the “Barbie Twins” first; Kristia and Brandi C. These two are either really stupid, or incredibly good at using their dumb acts to their advantage. The two are living together in Los Angeles and often share the same bed. They like to put their enormous breasts together to think better. This gets Bret “a little turned on.” Apparently everyone on reality TV has a clothing line coming out, and these two are no exception. I’m sure it’s going to do really well. Right? Read More »