I used to joke that I could measure the amount of fun I had at a party by how many bruises I woke up with the next day. I’m not trying to sound sadistic, but I bruise easily and am incredibly clumsy; I party hard, and I fall even harder. I haven’t even been too out of control in the past few weeks, yet my legs are still littered with black and blue marks that seem to have appeared out of nowhere.

I’ve seen a lot of drunken injuries in my day. Some are funny; some not so much. You really shouldn’t need to wear hard hats or protective armor to a party, so here’s a brief list of some potentially painful injuries, and how to avoid them.

Injury: Cigarette burns.
Avoid them by: Not drunkenly smoking your cigs all the way through the band; not giving someone with a lit cigarette your hand; not putting the wrong side of your lit cigarette into your mouth.

Injury: First, second, or third degree burns.
Avoid them by: Being conscious of where the bonfire pit is at a keg party on a cool autumn night; not attempting to walk through said pit in an effort to reunite with your friends after peeing in the woods.

Injury: Stitches on your scalp.
Avoid them by: Not jumping up and down on your lofted bed and cracking your head open on the ceiling; not falling out of a lofted bed after sloppy, drunken, sex, and cracking your head open on your f*ck buddy’s desk.

Injury: A shiner the color of an eggplant.
Avoid it by: Not chugging straight Bacardi and proceeding to faceplant your nightstand. These actions may or may not also have a negative effect on the nightstand, which may or may not break apart from the impact of your face. Read More »

Sooo, the other day a teacher got in some mild trouble for burning crosses on his students’ arms. Just another day in the American public school system.

No, but really, this happened. Apparently, a science teacher in Ohio had a high frequency generator, which he used to burn the image of a cross into the arms of several students.

The article (and the other articles I’ve read on the topic) goes on to say that this teacher failed to comply with various separation of church and state things; for instance, he taught creationism, and according to another article, he displayed the Ten Commandments and gave out free bibles.

And all that sucks and is ridiculous, but, um, more importantly, HE BURNED HIS STUDENTS! Is anyone else finding that very odd? The article says the burn mark (which happened to be a cross, but, frankly, I don’t even know if that matters) lasted for three to four weeks. That’s some burn, man. Shouldn’t this man be booked for assault? Read More »