Do you ever stare at yourself in the mirror and think, “damn, I wish I could lift my ass up but not add any padding, plus it would be nice to slim my thighs at the same time and tuck my tummy and basically lock my body into suffocating spandex“? Well, if you’ve ever thought these odd things: someone has heard you.

Bubbles Bodywear has come up with “The Double-O Push-Up Thong,” which is basically a bra for your butt. It’s supposed to tone and shape your ass while slimming your thighs and holding in your stomach — all the while shoving itself up your butt crack.

The best thing about The Double-O is that it costs $64!! Nothing makes a girl smile like spending loads of money on an item of clothing that no one will see (and those who do will have so. many. questions.) and which will also be needlessly uncomfortable. Seems like Bubbles Bodywear totally understands the need for women to strap themselves in to point of asphyxiation.

Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?
Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?
No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass. Read More »

Leave it to the Swedes to solve a shopping enthusiasts biggest dilemma: the mirror.

You know the drill. You try on a new pair of jeans. You twirl in the mirror to check out how your butt looks but your neck just won’t cooperate to give you the best view. You can drag along friends who may or may not tell you the honest truth, or worse a boyfriend who just wants to make a break for it and get a soft pretzel.

So what’s a girl to do? The solution is in a new device called the DelayMirror. Created by scientists in Sweden, it’s a combination mirror, camera, computer, and plasma screen. As you turn, the camera snaps pictures and displays them on the screen so you can see how you look from every angle. The device made its debut in the UK at a popular retail chain today. So far the reviews have been positive.

I wonder what will happen when the DelayMirror makes its way to the states. Will seeing ourselves (and our imperfections) 360 degrees around make us even more particular about body image?

Too bad that thing can’t see the future.

You pride yourself on your denim collection. Skinnies, bootcuts, trousers – they’re hanging in your closet ready to hug your lower half. But lately, you’ve been longing to tone up that tush and tighten those thighs so that you can really show off your assets.

Well, we found six awesome moves in a back issue of SELF that will make you a blue-jean babe in just one month. Just perform three sets of 12 reps of each exercise three days a week and on non-consecutive days:

Pigeon Toes

Stand with toes together, heels out, hands on hips. Contract abs as you slowly lift heels, rising onto balls of feet. Hold for two seconds. Lower to start and repeat.

Seated Leg Raise

Sit with right leg extended, foot flexed, and left knee bent, foot flat. Grasp the shin of left leg. Raise right leg a few inches off floor and sweep away from body. Hold for one count. Return leg to center. Switch legs.

Glute Sweeper

Start facedown, supported on forearms and right knee. Extend left leg behind you as high as you can, toes pointed. Contract abs and butt and slowly cross left leg behind left foot, reaching toes toward floor without touching down. Return leg to start and switch. Read More »

Every girl knows that unless you’re some kind of anomaly and super okay with every inch of your body, the idea of being scrutinized in a bathing suit is a thought horrifying enough to keep most of us in sweats forever.

Why then, are so many people interested in breaking down celebrities who aren’t frighteningly thin?

Jennifer Love Hewitt is the most recent victim of badly angled paparazzi photos, and I have to say, I feel every inch of her pain. Sure, the girl isn’t skinny, but she’s not fat.

So there are a few instances of cellulite. So she has a waist thicker than a pencil. So she’s not wearing a ton of make-up at the beach. How many average women does this describe?

I’m happy that JLW isn’t thin. Even though I don’t watch her show (I mean, if we’re being honest here…it’s totally boring), I think she’s a good role model for girls all over the country who have boobs and an ass.

She’s on TV and she’s not a size 0. There’s hope for us all. Read More »

I love the Fall in Michigan.

I love the way the leaves go from boring green to bright and beautiful reds, oranges and yellows. I love it when I can start to see my breath outside and I have to wrap one of my grandma’s homemade scarves around my neck. And I am absolutely obsessed with apple cider and donuts at the Cider Mill.

But as I sit here at 5:00 PM on a Monday and look out on a street that is pitch black, cold and dreary, I can’t help but feel the pangs of seasonal depression start to sink in. I don’t want to leave my house. I don’t want to leave my bed. I just want to sit, eat and watch TV.

It’s awful. And it explains why I always gain five pounds every winter. It also explains why there is a large and permanent butt print in my couch cushion. And why the guys at the Thai delivery place up the street know my name already.

So, this year I am trying everything I can to avoid my winter blues. In my quest not to retire to the couch (with a giant bag of Dark M&Ms) this winter I have been doing some research and have found some surefire ways to stay happy this winter:

Bring on the Light: One reason people get a little down in the dumps in the winter is because there is less sunlight during the day. Doctors agree that the best way to lift your sagging spirits is to simply get some more light: open the curtains as soon as you wake up, go for a walk, etc. Even a short amount of natural light (even on a cloudy day!) will put some pep in your step naturally.

Hit the Gym: One of the hardest things for me to do in the winter is get to the gym. Why go out in the cold to work out when I can cover my fat with oversized sweaters and sweatpants? Well, it turns out that getting exercise is one of the best ways to feel better on a dreary winter day. Those endorphins will get your body pumping and feeling great for hours to come. Bonus: a good workout will also warm you up! Read More »

Women love to pamper themselves. You know it, I know it, the American people know it. Hell, even I’ve hit up the spa on occasion to see what all the fuss is about.

But isn’t there a point when all this narcissistic pampering goes a little too far? By all accounts, the answer is a resounding no. Want proof? Apparently, the hip new trend to hit spas across the country is the butt facial. Yes, you read that correctly. The Butt Facial.

Now, I’ve never gotten, or even born witness to, an actual facial, so I’m not exactly the resident expert here. From what I can gather, the method for facializing (is that a word, and if not, can we make it one?) the butt is almost identical to that of getting an actual facial.

There’s quite a bit of cleaning (ultra-important where the butt is concerned) with a dash of detoxifying (not sure at all what that does, but it sounds healthy enough).

But I guess the real catalyst behind the butt facial craze is the second half of the process, which involves a type of electro-shock therapy designed to reduce cellulite and increase butt firmness.

The deafening silence you’re hearing now is the sound of every one of my readers jetting off to the nearest spa.

Unfortunately for the “regular” people among us, the procedure is running customers upwards of $800 a pop. Heyyy…welcome back everyone! Read More »

If you think Brazilian bikini waxes are a little too intimate, brace yourself—-below the belt grooming is about to get a lot more personal.

Thanks to the J.Lo-inspired era of backside obsession, I’ll admit I’ve certainly been paying more attention to how I fill out my jeans. But according to Marie Claire, there are women who really get up close and personal with their rear ends—and they don’t like what they see.

So, what’s a gal to do when she’s plagued with an imperfect backside? Anal bleaching of course!

The cheeks on your face aren’t the only ones that need color, apparently. Women are now looking to get that rosy glow on a part of the body that, up until now, remained untouched by cosmetic enhancement—-the anus.

Lucky for us, our anal imperfections can be fixed in a simple trip to the salon to pick up an at-home bleaching kit.

It doesn’t end at the anus. Next time you’re having your dermatologist erase any evidence that you may have smiled or frowned at some point in your life, ask the doc about bum Botoxing. An alternative to exercise and cellulite creams, there’s no faster way to get your butt swimsuit-ready than dropping your pants and injecting it with poison! Read More »