I watch a lot of TV, and since I’ve been homebound for a few weeks because of surgery, I have been watching more TV than should be legally allowed in the United States. Most nights, there are previews for NEW FALL SHOWS!! every 3.2 seconds, and having watched my fair share of these previews, I’d like to make a list of a few of these new dramatic ventures. A list in which I try to determine what the show is about, and how long it will go without being cancelled, from only the actors and title.

* Bad Mother’s Handbook - ABC - (premires: Midseason) With a cast that includes Megan Mullally, Alicia Silverstone, and Arrested Development’s Alia Shawkat, there is the potential for this comedy to either turn out okay or really, really suck. Mullally has Will and Grace, but she also has that horrible talk show that failed harder than Jessica Simpson’s country album. Silverstone has Clueless and she loves animals, but she’s also made a boatload of horrible movies. Based on the title, I’d say we have a situation comedy where Mullally predictably plays a hard drinking, irresponsible mother, and Silverstone plays her lovable and cheerful daughter. Hijinks ensue. Hijinks that will probably go on for about 5 episodes before getting the ax.

Gary Unmarried - CBS - (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8:30 pm/ET) Jay Mohr and Paula Marshall (??) no doubt play either a husband and wife, a divorced-yet-still-talking husband and wife, or a shticky guy who can’t find a mate and his ever reliant best female friend. Jay Mohr tends to be funny 20% of the time. I have no idea who Paula Marshall is. And I’m so freaking tired of comedies where it’s all about finding a significant other. I predict maximum suckage and cancellation after 2 episodes. Read More »

You know it’s going to be a long week when the only thing you have to look forward to is the season finale of America’s Next Top Model.

Hypothetically, of course.

The three remaining girls, Saleisha, Chantal, and Jenah, battled it out for the last two spots with a CoverGirl commercial. Jaslene even makes an appearance, looking even manlier than usual, to coach the girls. They all, more or less, did a good job on it, though Mr. Jay did find some time to scold Jenah for letting her insecurity come off as bitchiness.

Pot calling the kettle bitchy, perhaps?

The girls then headed home to have the same “I’m so going home conversation they have before every elimination—the ANTM equivalent of the “I’m so fat,” “No, you’re not. I’m totally fatter.”

It’s Jenah that gets sent home the next day, and I can’t say I’m too distraught over it. I’m a fan of her pictures, but during panel she always looks messy and congested to me. Read More »

Last night’s episode of my favorite guilty pleasure, Gossip Girl, got me thinking…Maybe our lives are not so different than the wealthy-born Upper East Siders.

I could relate my humble Midwestern high school drama to a number of situations that took place in the glamorous locale. Manhattan’s Upper East Side or the cornfields of Illinois? Does it really make a difference?

I think not.

A few examples to prove my point:

Hooking up with the ex’s best friend to make him jealous. Although Nate doesn’t know yet about Blair and Chuck’s rendezvous, the intentions of B were clear. If Nate doesn’t want her, she’ll have the second best thing: his best friend. How’s that for a slap in the face, Nate? The sad thing is that I actually don’t think he would care at all…Funny how that works out.

“Platonic” boy-girl friendships that never are just that. In my opinion, Serena is being very understanding towards Dan and Vanessa’s “friendship.” It’s obvious that Vanessa still wants him, and in my experience, those kinds of friendships can only go on so long before the girlfriend gives an ultimatum.

Parents acting like children and embarrassing their own kids. Whether it’s Nate’s situation with his father and family, or the Humphrey’s mama drama, sometimes parents are just as immature, if not more, than their own children. Read More »

Like me, if you settled into the couch Wednesday night, popcorn in hand, awaiting some supermodel drama, you were probably disappointed to find that America’s Next Top Model was just a recap, devoid of new Tyra-isms, melodramatic judging, and what-will-they-do-next photoshoots.

Hopefully you took the disappointment like a lady, and used the recap episode as an opportunity to make asinine judgments and predictions as to this cycle’s winner. I know I did!

To recap the recap, so far we’ve said tearful goodbyes to clueless but loveable Mila, forgettable Kimberly (who?), snooty Yale priss Victoria, bikini waxer Janet, and ice queen Ebony. I’m still mourning the loss of Janet, who SO deserved to win, and not just because she pretended to give Tyra a bikini wax during the first episode—but alas, I’ve had to name new favorites, predict my new top 3, and of course, speculate as to why each girl will get kicked off.

My completely unscientific yet completely overthought conclusions about the girls still in the running: Read More »

10 models left and a whole lot of drama to look forward to. That’s right, it’s time for your America’s Next Top Model recap!

And who knew a bunch of girls could make a house look like the aftermath of a week-long frat party? Words are exchanged about “respect” and such, which inevitably means a huge blow-out fight is brewing about who left their cereal bowl in the sink or pubes in the shower.

Looks like the overall theme for this week is “try not to die,” with Tyra serving up one death-defying stunt after another. Is she PMSing? The girls start off this week learning to pose during movement—specifically, jumping on a trampoline and striking a pose, which proves to be difficult and mildly dangerous for some. And as if that wasn’t awkward enough, the second-hand embarrassment continues the next day, with the challenge being to pose in the air. On an ice-skating rink. I’m sorry, but if you’re having trouble jumping on a bouncy trampoline, I’m afraid that ice won’t help matters. Read More »

What do you do on a Sunday morning when you’re seriously hungover and jonesing to dish on last night’s juicy gossip from the Kiss on the Lips party?You brunch.

And, obvs, when the elite mix brunch with alcohol with DRAMA shit goes down. And, oh did it go down.

With the Serena and Dan monumental hand holding last week, there were sure to be some significant hand moments in episode 2. And oh, did they deliver.

There was the wave that Dan gave Serena at the end of their date. I KNOW. A wave? Come on, Dan!

Serena was perplexed as well. And Dan felt he had blown all chances so he ends up at the Palace waiting for Serena to explain why he was so nervous and waved instead of totally sucking her face.

Meanwhile, Serena goes over to Blair’s for their requisite Sunday morning caps, croissants and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Blair lets Serena in on the news that she knows about Serena and Nate totally DOING IT on a bar at a wedding a year ago. (Classy, Serena!) Read More »

I was on the phone with my friend MK last night and I was like: “MK, Did you SEE Gossip Girl last week?”

And she was like: “Oh my God, Lauren. I’m totes obsessed.”

And I was like, “Obvs, MK! The horrible acting, the great music (anybody else catch Peter, Bjorn and John in the first scene?), the awesome clothes, what’s NOT to love??”

We clearly share a mutual love for all things fashion and all things cheesy teen television, which is why I was so excited about to let MK in on my little Gossip Girl fashion secret:

There is now an online Gossip Girl store.

Not that I would buy (or could afford) Serena’s $450 dollar Tory Burch sequin dress that she wore on her date with Dan, but unlike poor little me, these characters have stylists.

And obvs, they’re much better than raisin-faced Rachel Zoe.

The best part about fashion is the way the individual pieces are mixed. And although I consider myself fashion forward, sometimes I don’t know how the hell to spice up a great piece. I usually just throw on something lowbrow and have all-together missed an opportunity to show my personality by mixing and matching pieces I wouldn’t necessarily expect.

Which is why I was taken by the styles on Gossip Girl in the first place. If you weren’t obsessed with Serena’s gold dress cum cropped jean jacket and black tights ensemble, you, my friend have got problems. It was fab. Check out the Gossip Girl Fashion Gallery after the jump! Read More »

I have a special place in my heart for terrible teen television. The O.C., Degrassi, Instant Star, South of Nowhere, Dawson’s Creek: I just can’t get enough of it. The cheesy acting, the terrible love dramas, the catty bitch fights. I LOVE IT.

Which is why I am pumped for my newest terrible teen television drama Gossip Girl. Being an angsty teen is hard enough but when you’re rich, pretty and living on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, life is so bad it’s good. I’m pretty sure I watched the trailer five times because I was THAT excited.

There have been reviews. The New York Times profiled the show while five real UES Manhattan girls watched the first episode. And a few have even written that Gossip Girl is nothing to gossip about. But this is no Arrested Development, people. This is bad television.

The acting is sub par and the plotline monotonous (teens drinking and doing it… not anything new), but this time instead of sunny California it’s New York City.

And a location change is enough for me to be interested. It’s new! It’s fresh! It’s probably awful and I love it. Read More »