In this episode, Ali finally experiences the price she’ll pay for being “just” like her sister. Dressed like a Firewoman stripper, Ali goes to a block party in LoLand and is severely creamed. Shaving creamed — minds out of the gutter! Dina gets a call from the school guidance counselor telling her some serious harassing went down at escuela, they agree it’s best for Ali to stay home for a few days.

First of all Ali, if you are serious about becoming your sister, I have some advice:

Lindsay would not have taken that shiz! One false move and that’s a Grey Groose martini down the front of your Betsey Johnson.

Ali asks Dina if she can be home-schooled, but Dina’s only advice is that she’d love to see Ali on stage…at graduation. Dina goes to other members of the LoClan for help. Nana (yes!) suggests that Ali needs to stand up to these mean girls. Michael Lohan Jr. (I didn’t know he existed?) adds that every girl has to cope with a few megabitches throughout life, but it’s just part of growing up.

Dina ignores both of them and continues to baby Ali and give her special attention, like in dance class. Dina found IMPACT online and thinks it’s great. Ali thinks IMPACT is “STUPID”. I can’t tell if this is just a typical weird mom idea, or an attempt to showcase Ali’s multi-cultural appreciation. And then Dina gets down while Ali watches embarrassedly. I love her more and more every episode. Read More »

I knew today was gonna be a bad one when I looked outside and saw the gray skies and rain pouring down. But, I wasn’t aware that the world was coming to an end. It’s a good thing I indulged in some tasty summer cocktails yesterday, because after finding out that K-Fed was being honored as Father of the Freaking Year, I know there I won’t get many more chances to enjoy ‘em.

Even better, this isn’t the first time he’s received the honor.

First Dina Lohan and now this?

Who is behind these “awards” and who the hell are they comparing these dead-beats to? R-Kelly? I wonder what these meetings are like.

“Well, K-Fed doesn’t sleep with 13 year old girls and the babies’ mama is sh*t nuts, so he is lookin’ pretty good right now.”

I am just waiting until next week when MADD honors Lindsay Lohan with the “Safest Driver” award, or DARE puts Amy Winehouse in an anti-drug commercial.

[Photo of Big Daddy courtesy of People.com]

We pick up where last week’s episode left off, with Ali drilling Jeremy for an explanation for his bizarre online interview. The argument sounds like thousands I’ve heard my drunk friends have with their long distance boyfriends via cell phone. I listen to Ali and Jeremy run around in circles until Ali reads something of interest from the article: “I wanna marry Lindsay”…I want to marry your sister. Ali says that Jeremy has told her this in person as well. Um, and that didn’t tip you off that he was USING YOU?!?!

Whatever, Ali’s pissed because Jeremy has a crush on Lindsay and not her. Jeremy’s probably pissed because Lindsay has a crush on Samantha Ronson and not him.

Their fight concludes (or is postponed) freaking finally. Ali says she doesn’t trust anyone but her family anymore (not what you said last week.) And goes to her wise and showbiz weary mother for advice.

Dina explains that “we all make mistakes” (especially her–although I don’t know if you can consider raising trainwrecks mere mistakes). She gives a small lesson in Tabloid Manipulation 101 and tells Ali that “they’ll just have to educate him,” which sounds very creepy Scientologist.

Jeremy enters the house while Dina and Ali chat in the kitchen. He doesn’t knock or anything, just breezes right in. Dina then begins to mediate Ali and Jeremy’s argument. Read More »

I have been eagerly anticipating the premier of the Lohan reality show since Perez announced it a few months ago. Monday’s premier more than exceeded my expectations. I’m sorry about the delay, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that I had absorbed all that I could from this trainwreck collision of Kardashiantics, Real World-esque shouting matches and Girls Next Door intelligence. The show, in a word, is brilliant. In two words, it is brilliantly horrible. Enjoy.

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody. Read More »

Yeah, I don’t remember either. I watched The Parent Trap the other day, and it got me thinking—how did Lilo go from precocious red-headed youngster to alcoholic coke-whore sex fiend?

Oh right. It was her mother.

Mrs. Lohan recently won a “Top Mom” award from a charity in her native Long Island, an award which the charity’s president doesn’t seem to find ironic at all. Let’s face it: Dina Lohan is the worst mother. Ever.

She is the culmination of a trend that started in the 80’s and 90’s of the “cool mom”. The era of the MILF, moms started focusing on being cool and fun, and along the way, forgot how to be MOMS.

These days, raising a child is all about raising their self esteem—telling them they can achieve whatever they want if they put their mind to it, no matter the odds. While this is an inspiring message, it can be deceiving if say, your child wants to be a singer but cracks glass with their voice. Ever watched the audition episodes of American Idol, where some enraged mother storms in demanding to know why her precious baby has been rejected? Perhaps it’s because her precious baby can’t sing. Read More »

You know, I kind of like Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey

Before you blow $80 on a bra, Mr. Big has something to say

Every Simpsons couch gag. Ever.

I. Hate. Hipsters.

We live in a world that has created kitty tanning beds

Maxim says Ashley is 47th hottest woman, but what about Mary-Kate? Oh, nevermind…

Heath Ledger Joker dolls are big-sell, but what about Cher Barbie?

Who keeps encouraging Lindsay Lohan’s music career?!

Oh, maybe it’s the award-winning Mama Lohan

50 greatest commercial parodies/highlights from SNL

Christian Siriano says “fierce” is so not fierce

Thomas Edison, you are NOT the father…of recorded sound

However, Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child

10 women unsexier than Sarah Jessica Parker

Lindsay Lohan: Back to Bleach

Dina Lohan: As portrayed by Tracy Ulman in ‘State of the Union’

Bush gets booed (alert: loaded statement!)

Looking for some condoms to match your new shoes?

Welcome back, Kathy Lee Gifford

First babies, and now an appendix!?

Our country has officially gone insane.

I could deal with Paris Hilton’s pathetic stint in jail. I could even deal with Paris Hilton hooking up with Adrian Grenier, who is, like 3,749,234 times hotter than she is.

But this. This I cannot deal with.

Paris Hilton has put her name onto a children’s clothing line. For little girls. To wear. In public.

WTF!!!

It’s bad enough she has a new line with Kitson for, you know - females OLD ENOUGH to wear her tacky, ugly clothes. But innocent children should not be subjected to gold, sequined cocktail dresses! (Okay, no one should be subjected to gold, sequined cocktail dresses)

This just ain’t right for so many reasons. What a great message this sends to the youth of America - dress like Paris Hilton, and you’re on the road to success!! I’m gonna vomit.

People have already began pointing the fingers at the parents, and rightfully so. What the hell kind of mother would take her daughter to a store and allow her to pick out Paris Hilton brand dresses? Besides Lindsay Lohan’s crazy-ass mother, what mother would endorse racist ranting, porn-taping and House of Wax by encouraging the purchase of these horrid clothes? Read More »