You know how every once in a while, nothing is on TV, and you’re super bored, and maybe it’s a Friday night and you have no plans, and instead of doing something productive like reading you flip around on your remote and end up watching the Disney Channel? Yeah. Don’t deny.

There’s nothing wrong with a little mindless television for kids, but what happens when you find yourself inexplicably drawn to those fresh-faced young men chirping out that positive and life-affirming Disney dialogue? You feel weird and a little dirty — and then you go online and try to find pictures. Also, any info that would allow you to stop feeling like a pedophile: i.e birthdays before 1991.

Even though all of the nubile young things listed below have all surpassed their 18th year, I can’t help but feel just the slightest bit Creepy-Old-Man-On-The-Bus whenever I look at them. Oh well. What can I say? If there are shirtless pics of these hotties somewhere on the net, I’d look at them.

I might even download. Read More »

The Jonas Brothers (one of whom, let’s not kid ourselves, is going to turn out to be gay) are all over the airwaves these days. Disney is pimping these kids out hardcore; giving them their own band, TV movie, and so many endorsements I’m sure they’re already richer than I’ll ever be. Hell, I’m ten years too old for the Disney channel but still know waaayyy more about these nubile young boys (somebody needs to tell their stylist to LAY OFF the foundation. Geeze) than certain cousins in my immediate family.

Speaking of TMI, I already knew the J. Bros wore promise rings. Whether Disney put a (metaphoric) gun to their head, or they really all want to wait until marriage to get it on, I never thought much about the religious implications behind those rings. Yes, certain devout Christian peeps tend to hang onto their V-cards longer than a lot of us, but I never assumed the Jonas Bros were trying to impart any kind of religious message on the impressionable youth of this sugar-pop obsessed country.

I assumed wrong.

At least according to Fox News. Read More »

There is a real crisis going on in America and it’s deeply effecting the children. No, I’m not talking about the War in Iraq, the nuclear problem in Iran or the skyrocketing price of oil. I am talking about the Hannah Montana Ticket Shortage of 2007. Sounds ridiculous, huh? Well maybe to people with some semblance of a life, but to thousands of soccer moms and Disney-conditioned / obsessed tweens, this is a serious dilema of gargantuan proportions and someone must be held accountable.

For those of you who haven’t a clue what I am talking about, here’s a little backstory:

Hannah Montana is a fictional character from the Disney show of the same name. Hannah, (played by Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter Miley) is a 14 year-old average teenager living a secret double life as a Teen Pop Sensation. The show has scored record ratings for the Disney Channel and is incredibly popular with the 5 to 12 demo. So naturally when Disney announced a nationwide Hannah Montana Live Tour (no, it’s not an ice show) demand for tickets spiked higher than that of a furry red homosexual tickle doll on Christmas Eve. Read More »

I’m one of the three people in the world who hated High School Musical.

I thought the writing was terrible, the songs were worse, and the acting was mind-numbingly bad. Granted, it was written for kids, and I guess it was fine for someone just wheening themselves off Sesame Street and the Disney Channel, but when it comes to the over-16 crowd who worship the movie, I just don’t understand.

Another thing I don’t understand is the magical pull of Zac Efron.

I mean, he kind of looks like he’s made of wax. A 12-year-old wax figurine. I know he’s almost 20, but he sure doesn’t look it, and if it wasn’t all over the place that he was dating what’s-her-name, I’d bet $100 dollars his ass was gay.

So why is he so famous? I think it’s the same reason Sanjaya and Clay Aiken (two boys who should just give up and step out of the closet) were /are so popular. Tween girls love guys who look harmless, sweet, and perfectly groomed. Read More »