I am horrible when it comes to eating, and my metabolism is probably waiting until I’m thirty to get its revenge in the form of cellulite and love handles. I skip meals all the time, and have been known to go days without food.

No, I don’t have an eating disorder. I have a working disorder—I’m a total workaholic.

When I do eat, it needs to be healthy and somewhat portable. I’ve considered trying Atkins or Southbeach protein bars, Power Bars, or even Slim Fast Shakes as a snack I can pound in the car on my way to work. But, honestly, I can’t justify consuming 400 calories in the form of a little bitty rice bar that is not going to quiet my growling stomach, or 13 grams of fat in a similarly unsatisfying wannabe-milkshake concoction.

Instead, I live off of caffeine.

One morning, before work, I stopped at my favorite coffee shop to grab a skim milk, sugar-free vanilla latte, and saw a display of Vegan Energy Bars at the counter. I’m not vegan, but was hungry and I thought that those little heart-shaped bars might be crazy enough to work! I mean, the vegans are picky about what they put into their bodies and without meat or dairy, they still need nutrients, right?

I purchased a package of chocolate chip flavored (if it has chocolate it can’t be that bad), heart-shaped, soy-filled cakes of pure delight that day, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Read More »

[Every once in a while, we have to go something that blows. Something we’re not prepared for. Something, that at least, makes a good story…]

I looked down at my shirt, suddenly wondering if it was too revealing for this slightly backwoods New England waiting room. The few other people also waiting for the doctor were mostly over 40, fans of crocs and t-shirts advertising farm stands, and all seemed to be looking at me over their glasses or magazines. I turned back to the wall and checked my watch; I really wanted to get out of here so I could swing by Marshalls before handing the car over to my parents. A week out of the city had its perks – and cheap clothing was one of them.

The doctor herself opened the door to the waiting room and looked at me, motioning with her hand that I should follow her. I got up, vaguely wondering why she had come out to get me herself. After all, I had just gone in for a simple x-ray; proof that a dislocated rib I acquired as a kid was still dislocated.

Instead of walking inside an examination room, we stepped into her office, and she pushed my x-rays up on a light board so I could see them. Something looked strange. I blinked.

“So, you can see, right there, you’ve got a tumor on your ninth rib.”

A what? Huh? I shook my head. I felt like she was speaking French. I couldn’t understand. Read More »

After what felt like zillions of months of waiting, there was finally a new episode of House this week. And I’m sorry to say that if you missed it… well, you didn’t miss much. It didn’t totally suck, but the writers must have been warming up before they eased into the really good stuff. Here’s a recap:

The patient du jour was a dude who collapsed during a protest and who appeared to have no major symptoms other than occasional fainting spells. House, however, usurped the patient with the theory that his niceness (yes, NICENESS) was a symptom of a more serious illness.

After a bunch of tests, the team found out that the guy had neurosyphilis and that the condition was supposedly affecting his brain. Kutner also tested a vial of “House’s” blood that he found lying around and discovered that House had syphilis. Long story short: House planted the blood so he could pretend to get nicer with treatment and make the team believe that his initial opinion of niceness being a defect was correct. Read More »

She wasn’t a doctor — not really. She was “just” a physician’s assistant. But my doctor had left — again. I think I’ve gone through about four at this office already, a different one almost every year.

This one was young and pretty. That surprised me. I don’t know, maybe I never considered that young women my age would want to examine other young women’s cervixes? I felt like I should have been chatting with her over coffee about our latest loves, not sitting in a cold examination room, draped in a thin cotton sheet and discussing my vagina’s history in exacting detail.

“I’ll have you lie back now,” she said when we had finished talking.

She came around the table and unsnapped the sheet. “My hands are cold,” she warned.

Oy. She wasn’t kidding. Cold fingers don’t feel any better on your breasts than they do inside your vagina.

While she performed the breast exam, I noticed she carefully avoided my eyes. Maybe she found the age thing as uncomfortable as I did. So I did the only thing I could think of: I struck up a conversation.

Trying to sustain small talk with a young, pretty doctor who has her cold hands on your boobs is not as easy as it might seem. I have no clue now what we talked about, in fact. I’m not sure I would want to know. Read More »

I cannot stand getting sick. About a month ago, I caught a vicious flu bug and completely denied its existence in my system until I woke up one Sunday morning hallucinating and unable to stand.

Had I only taken more Airborne….my feverish mind reasoned as my roommate and I raced to the emergency room…I would be completely healthy right now…

Well, it turns out, I could have popped one hundred little Airborne tablets and it probably wouldn’t have made an ounce of difference (it also turns out that if you’re crazy sick and in an emergency room, crawling onto the floor and lying there gets you in to see a doctor way ahead of everyone else).

The makers of the popular take-it-and-you-won’t-get-sick tablet have recently settled a class-action lawsuit for $23.3 million, a lawsuit which claims that despite Airborne’s compelling advertising campaign, “There’s no credible evidence that what’s in Airborne can prevent colds or protect you from a germy environment”. Read More »

When my doctor recommended I get my first gynecological exam at 18, I freaked out. I had spent the entirety of my life watching my mom pace and sweat for the three days leading up to her exams, so it wasn’t necessarily something I was excited about.

In addition, I was still a virgin and couldn’t understand why on earth I needed to go, not to mention the fact that being a virgin left me less than comfortable with my nether regions.

But I went.

Unfortunately, my mother had to leave town the day I was scheduled, so I actually went alone. And, surrounded by pregnant women, shook like a leaf by myself in the waiting room.

“Is this your first time?” A very pregnant woman took notice of my sweaty palms and incessant toe tapping.

“Mmmhmmm.” I wiped my palms on the Motherhood magazine on the chair next to me.

“It won’t be that bad. It’s not nearly as bad as the first time I had sex.” Awesome. Not only was this woman discussing her sex life with me, but she was giving me a reference point I couldn’t understand. But I didn’t get the chance to ask her about it, because at that moment the nurse came out and called me back. Read More »

In a complete anomaly of the writers’ strike, House was a new episode this Tuesday and will be new AGAIN (!) next week.

Aside from the weird feeling I got from watching a Christmas-themed episode when it wasn’t actually Christmastime, I thoroughly enjoyed watching House get his Scrooge on.

Since no one actually watches the episodes for the “medical mysteries” that make up the plotlines, I’m going to jump right in to making commentary about the new medical team.

Taub: It’s still kind of an enigma to me why this dude is on the show, to be honest. As an actor, he doesn’t impress me much, and as a character, he impresses me even less. I mean, what is his purpose? What is House going to do with a middle-aged plastic surgeon? My guess is he’ll develop some kind of illicit relationship with Thirteen. Read More »

• Get Lauren Conrad a present! Because, you know, she needs one and all.

• Going to an Ugly Sweater Party this weekend? Check out some terrible ones…

• Have nothing to talk about when you’re home with the parents? Everyone loves a horrible, horrible joke!

• You’d think with the holidays around the corner mothers could give their kids a break…not so for this hard-ass mom!

• “Don’t tase me, bro!” is the top quote of 2007! Congrats?

• The internet is used for something positive! It’s a Christmas miracle!

• Nobody wants to see this picture anyway…

As I mentioned once before, I have issues with my birth control.

In fact, with all the horrible side effects like the migraines and weight gain I feel like the only reason the pill is even working is because it is preventing me from going out to find someone to have sex with. And I am not so sure that is how it is supposed to work.

I have attempted to stick it out for the past six months, but, considering I have been sans sex for quite some time, I am about ready to throw in the towel. My doctor – always the optimist – didn’t like that idea.

“Lauren, I know you joke about being a crazy cat woman, but you will have sex again someday and you might regret your decision to stop taking birth control.”

She had a point. Maybe one day I might again have the urge to do something besides catch up on my TiVo on a Friday night. You know; like go out and meet a man. And have sex. She recommended a different form of birth control that minimized the side effects that have been haunting me for months.

Unfortunately, this one presents a whole new slew of problems. Read More »

Fill in the blank: the bigger the ______, the better the sex.

Get your minds out of the gutter, girls.

Apparently, a big, healthy brain is the underground key to a steamy sex life.

In a recent article, Dr. Daniel Amen claims that sex—for the most part—occurs in the brain, specifically the part of the brain considered “the seat of orgasms” which he calls “the B-spot.” The brain, the biggest and most responsive organ in the body, has the power to intensify your sexual pleasure, according to Amen, an O.C.-based clinical psychiatrist

Have we spent all this time trying to satisfy the G-spot when the B-spot is really responsible for great sex? Amen would answer in the affirmative. “To have a great sex life, you have to have a great brain,” Amen told The Columbus Dispatch.

And what exactly are the characteristics of a “great brain?” Well, brain eminence can be achieved via ordinary good health practices: aerobic exercise and a healthy diet. Read More »