Mario Lopez recently told People Magazine (you know, the magazine that pimps out celebrity baby pictures while unknowingly kicking itself in the ass by illustrating that every baby in this world LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME and is in no way worth 5 million dollars) what his “Dream Girl” would consist of.

Just weeks after splitting up with gf Karina Smirnoff and already casting his net via tabloids, the once and future A.C. Slater tried to make it seem like he wanted the type of girl every guy wants. Good thing I speak Douchebag and can translate the actual meaning of his words.

What He Told People Mag:
“I’m a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy,”

What He Meant:
“Commitment is high maintenance. I’m the opposite of that.”

What He Told People Mag:
“I’d like to be with someone who is secure with themselves. She has to understand that I have a lot going on and I’m busy.”

What He Meant:
“I’d like to be with someone who is so self-centered she doesn’t realize when I’m not at home and that I might be cheating on her while I do all my ‘stuff’. I have to host America’s Best Dance Crew and dance around outrageously on the Broadway stage, okay? I’m busy.”

What He Told People Mag:
“I’d like someone who has their own thing going on – their own ‘passion,’ whatever it is.”

What He Meant:
“She can’t want to steal my passion. Stealing other people’s passion and making it your own is totally not cool.” Read More »

Bill Murray’s wife has filed for divorce after some 11-years of marriage. Thusly, he is the latest in a long list of comedians who don’t seem to be so funny in real life, to the point that their long suffering wives leave them.

Murray’s wife, Jennifer Butler Murray, attributes the demise of their marriage to Bill’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment”. Quite a laundry list of accusations that, yes, I have to take with a grain of salt because they are just that: accusations.

What I’ve heard about Murray’s real life persona and interactions with people on the sets of his movies make me inclined to believe Jennifer Murray, who has also sought out a restraining order on her soon-to-be former husband. According to an article from the UK Telegraph, (with strangely appropriate Bear PSA in the middle of the piece):

The [divorce] papers claim: “Defendant [Murray] has physically abused the Plaintiff on more than one occasion during the marriage. The latest altercation occurred in November 2007… when the Defendant hit her in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her’. Read More »

Living in New York City is great. And I mean that. I’ve been here for the last six or seven years, and before that I lived in nearby Long Island (with frequent visits into Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island to visit my family, and sometimes Manhattan to take in a show or go to a museum).

The problem is not living in New York City. The problem is living in New York City AND being a girl.

For some reason, this is THE city of catcalls and bad pick-up lines. It doesn’t matter what you look like, who you are–if you have (or even might have) a hooha, you’re gonna be harassed.

So now, for your reading pleasure, I’d like to present you with a scene from last night in My Life As A Girl In NYC.

This is verbatim. I kid you not.

Enjoy.

(10pm Thursday night. After four hours of tech rehearsal at a local theater, SARA, 23, heads up to Union Square, where she sits down on the steps to wait for her BOYFRIEND, 26.

To Sara’s left sit two HIPSTERS. Sara casually witnesses a seemingly NEW JERSEY GUY in a douchey leather jacket ask them for a cigarette.

Sara goes back to waiting. But something is wrong. Sensing this, she turns around to find Jersey Guy and his two JERSEY FRIENDS staring at her. And Jersey Guy is pointing right at her. Sara quickly turns back around.

But it’s too late. Jersey Guy approaches, unlit cigarette in hand.)

JERSEY GUY: I just wanted to say thanks for looking all pretty. Read More »

The other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times within a half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irrate about something and was on a ranting rampage, OR there are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:
The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:
Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:
The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry. Read More »

Here’s the thing; you should never date a douchebag.

Now, sometimes, you don’t know you’re dating a douche until it’s too late. Maybe he’s awesome in the beginning, opening doors for you and being all polite and totally charming your parents, but then one day he decides to not only sleep with your best friend, but do it in your bed!

Sometimes, that sort of thing is hard to see coming.

Except when your guy looks the part.

See, if you start dating a guy who looks like he should be a total douche, but hasn’t yet shown the signs of real douchyism, chances are his true colors are going to be coming out pretty soon.

Nobody with oily hair, a body shaped by beer, couches, and pot, stupid fashion sense, and a monosyllabic speech pattern is going to turn out awesome in the end. You may think you can change this douche’s ways, get him on the fast track to a job and maybe the treadmill, but believe me—douchiness is almost impossible to stamp out.

Which is why I have no sympathy for Lindsay Lohan and her newest “scandal”. Apparently, her boyfriend for two minutes, Riley Giles (who she met in rehab. Cool!) is shopping around “personal photos” he took of her while they were dating. Obviously, those pics show LaLohan in all stages of “undress”, and are going to seriously tarnish her sweet, virginal image.

Well, okay. Chances are they’ll do nothing but prove what most of us already think, but still, who wants homemade nakey pictures of them sold to cheap tabloids? Read More »

Chivalry is not dead. It’s alive and well—or, at least alive.Since moving to New York, I have come across varying degrees of gallantry. Some is well intentioned and friendly; while some has a faded, slightly sour quality. Some acts of chivalry are carried out with genuine kindness, and some are done because the guy can’t bare the thought of letting a woman exert any kind of power.

How do you know what level of chivalry you’re getting on a daily basis? Read on.

LEVEL 1: On this, the brightest and friendliest level, the guy is being polite and helpful because he wants to be. Opening a door for you, standing up so you can take his seat on the subway, giving you room to pass on the sidewalk, all of these things are done with a smile and a pleasant glance. This guy’s mama taught him well, and it’s no trouble at all for him to show women that he holds them in high esteem.

Although it’s rare, this level does indeed exist, and I recommend immediately inquiring if such a polite lad has a partner, and if finding him to be single, snatching him up as quick as possible. Read More »

At the gym this morning I caught a segment on some talk show about cheating. Basically, the show was about agencies that helped people find out if their mate was cheating on them, and if such spy agencies were even ethical.

One of the panelists on the show was “relationship expert” and author Steve Santagati, a “former model and bad boy” who penned The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate–and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top.

I’ve caught Santagati’s TV appearances before, and each time I see his smug face on camera I can’t help but throw up a little and shake my head at all the women who actually buy anything written by such an obvious egoist.

My distaste aside, Santagati never actually said anything revolting during those appearances, so I had nothing to confirm my gut reaction—until this morning. Read More »

“Whoa, what happened to you?”

It was senior year in college, a Monday morning, and my friend was sitting in class, doing her best (but obviously not succeeding) to hide a very noticeable, very odd black and blue mark on her bottom lip.

“Oh, I…I was drinking out of a bottle and someone bumped into me. It sucked.”

“Shut up!” I said, knowing exactly where she had been last night. “That did not come from a bottle”

“Keep your voice down.” My friend looked around, embarrassed. “To everyone else, it was a bottle. To you, it was Tim. Nothing bad, nothing bad!” She immediately reacted to my raised eyebrows. “We were just making out and stuff…his lips did this!”

“Still, it looks like it hurts…” I couldn’t take my eyes off her mouth. It was so obviously bruised.

“It does kinda. And when we were together it was a little intense…but I don’t know him well! I would feel so stupid telling him to ease up.” Read More »