Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged. I’ve been forced to accept this as truth and move on with my life. And while I’m not particularly fond of either party’s “work,” they fascinate me as a couple. Months after posting this video mocking pregnancy rumors, there are now legit whispers flying around that the King and Queen of crappy, pre-pubescent pop-rock do in fact have a baby on board…right next to their 12-pack of Redbull and group pile of skinny jeans. But if this is true, I’ve got some questions.

First, what kind of reality show train wreck do you think Papa Joe is going to concoct for the next nine months? “Pimp My Placenta” hasn’t been taken by fetus-look-a-like Tila Tequila, right? Because Ashlee and Pete can totes write the theme song and not include any vowels or integrity like they always never do.

I also worry about Ashlee’s vajayjay. Normally I’d feel weird thinking about her fun parts, but this is a pressing human rights issue. Not only does a pregnancy imply that her nana has already been violated by his—gulp—”fallout boy,” but it also needs to prepare itself for the spikiest baby hair of all time to pass through. Seriously. Can you imagine pooping out a porcupine? Yeah, it wouldn’t feel too awesome, would it? Read More »

Lindsay Lohan: full-frontal in upcoming film to prove integrity

Jessica Simpson makes millions of men feel conflicted

…while lil’ sis Ashlee and Pete Wentz are engaged!

Down and dirty dorm room hook-ups

Saaphryi’s Lip Chap is poppin’

I def want my boo to get his advice from Spencer Pratt

Dark Knight marketing tactics stir up some buzz

Perez Hilton is going to DC–wait, what!?

LOLCat Bible Translation Project

Best. Game. Ever.

I’m totally for love conquering all and knowing no bounds and all that fluffy good stuff, but honestly, does anyone really believe this story??

An 82-year-old Argentinean woman married a 24-year-old man last week, making those of us who aren’t naive idiots shake our heads. Apparently, the two had been “engaged for several years” and found love after the guy’s mother died and left him with his elderly caretaker/new wife at the age of 15.

When reporters asked the woman if the marriage would be more “than just spiritual” (he should have just straight up asked if they were going to bone) she replied that it would be, making most of the media laugh on the outside and most definitely retch on the inside. Read More »

I’ve officially entered a stage in my life that I didn’t think would come for another five years at least—-the “everyone I know is getting married and I’m their token single spinster-with-cats friend” stage.

And when I say everyone is getting married, I really mean everyone. The high school sweethearts from your freshman year math class. Your slutty friend who met her fiancé at a rave, high on E. Your crazy divorcee aunt who’s on her fifth marriage—sixth if you count the annulment after that weekend in Vegas.

The other day I read an article that really put the icing on the wedding cake. Apparently, two strangers who once posed together as a couple getting married for a hotel’s brochure are now actually getting married. The couple, Amanda Semmence and Kieron Dudley, who were hotel employees at the time, fell for each other during the photo shoot and are getting married for real and holding the reception in that same hotel. Read More »

Because every good show on TV ended about 6 weeks ago, I have been in a TV drought. If it weren’t for my DVR recording old episodes of 90210 when I am at work, I would have nothing to watch after a long day at the office. And since I am boring and old, my life revolves around TV.

Thank God, then, for my peeps over at MTV for bringing back only the best show of all time: Engaged and Underage. I have been waiting months for its return and tonight’s show reminded me of everything I was missing. I am still shaking from the excitement of it all.

For those of you who are not familiar with the show (and you should be ashamed of yourselves for missing this gem of quality programming), Engaged and Underage is another brilliant reality series on MTV that trails young couples on their way to marital bliss. Some are super religious teens who just want to get laid, some are young moms looking to cleanse their souls and still others are naïve kids thinking that marriage is better than one-night stands and walks of shame.

In the end it doesn’t matter; they are all making HUGE mistakes. Read More »

Like myself, you’ve probably spent the past year watching The Hills and screaming at the television everytime Heidi would get herself further mixed up with the sleaze-bag, Spencer.

Well if you haven’t already heard, Miss Montag has proven to be even more of a pathetic idiot in her toxic relationship: Heidi is engaged to be the future Mrs. Pratt! Gross.

According to US Magazine, “Pratt, 23, popped the question to Montag, 20, Tuesday night at the Bacara Resort & Spa in Santa Barbara, says a source who adds: ‘She said ‘yes.’ She’s over the moon!’”

These twits have only been dating for eight months so far and I really thought that Heidi moving in with him would be the last straw.

I figured that she would come crawling back to Lauren for friendship and forgiveness after a month of living with “Playboy Spence.” But, alas, I guess they are scared of falling out of the public eye and need to pull some sort of stunt.

For some reason, I am having frightening thoughts that a new version of “Newlyweds” is in the future…

How long could it possibly last?