Wow. What a crappy episode of The Hills. Did anything really happen? Did that episode really last 30 minutes, because it felt like 10. Most of the show was pretty bo-ring, so instead of recapping a bunch of crap, I will just focus on the main event:

Justin Bobby and Audrina kinda sorta break up and makeup, take 246:

Audrina goes to work in the recording studio with Brandy (?!), but leaves the studio because Justin Bobby wants to see her. Because everyone A) has the opportunity to go into a recording studio with Brandy (?!), and B) everyone in the real world can just leave work when their dirty and weird kinda-sorta boyfriend stops by (or, you know, their flesh-colored-bearded BF stops by to talk about people messing with the DVR).

So, apparently Audrina goes out there to tell JB that she’s totally dunzo. But then Justin Bobby is sitting on his Chopper and wearing a hat and says all these things to sweep her off her feet. You know, sweet nothings like: Read More »

When last night’s episode of Gossip Girl opened with a spoofy Eliza Doolittle dream sequence, I wanted to throw up in my mouth. However, what unraveled over the next 42 minutes (not including commercial breaks) was one of the juiciest, drama-filled, completely-untrue-to-high-school-life episodes of the season.

I freaking loved it.

All of our favorite Upper East Siders are getting ready for college. Which makes me think: my alcoholism peaked in college in a Keystone-Dubra-Keg Party blur. These “high schoolers” drink martinis for breakfast. What will happen to them after graduation?

So, obviously the GG writers have to come up with an elaborate scheme to get everyone to Yale for College Admissions Day. What better way to do so than by having Blair slam Serena, and Serena fight back by flaunting her hot Blake Lively self for the Dean of Admissions? You know something’s gonna go down when the kids’ Headmaster advises them to “present yourselves in the best possible light.” Yeah, right.

To put it in a nutshell: Chuck wants to join a secret society. Nate’s dad has a bad rap at Yale, so Nate pretends to be none other than Dan Humphrey in order to shack up with a collegiate hottie (Ladies– would you EVER shack up with a high school boy on a school tour? To answer my own question, I guess I’ve never seen a minor who looks like Chace Crawford…). Oh, and did I mention that Yale has decided to change it’s “stuffy” image, hence the interest in Socialite Serena? More on what I DID NOT find believable later.

In typical Chuck Bass fashion, blindfolded, non-English-speaking prostitutes show up in threes to *cough* impress the members of the secret society Chuckie so desperately wants to join, but what these guys really want is a piece of Nate Archibald. Hmmm. So Chuck sets up poor Lonely Boy to get beaten and tied, half-naked, to a gazebo. (Editor’s Note: Is tying a skinny kid in his boxers to a statue really the best a secret society can do?) Where was this when I was scoping out potential unis? Read More »

The theme of last night’s Gossip Girl episode was post-dating awkwardness, as displayed by Serena and Dan, Lily and Rufus, and Vanessa and Nate. The ep also had at least two major shockers, some really random limited-time alliances (Chuck giving Dan a guy-code peptalk, what?), and Ed Westwick in a purple suit that looked like it was left over from Pee Wee Herman on Ice. I guess GG’s wardrobe department can’t win them all.

Three episodes into the season, and we’re just now getting into Back-to-School season. Hence, the lavish drama-inducing party is replaced by upscale bars that serve teenagers, and the Colorful-Martini-on-White-Dress shtick from the Vitamin Water party is replaced by some sort of acid formula that burns the victims’ hair right off her scalp. Ouch.

Am I getting ahead of myself? Here’s what you need to know: Serena and Dan are each having qualms about seeing each other back at school, while Blair and her drones are preparing for their yearly initiation of potential newbies (which Jenny failed at last year). This creates the perfect set-up for new character Amanda’s entrance. Just as Blair explains to Serena that whomever dates first wins, bam! Dan bumps into Amanda, which can only have a tragic outcome. Read More »

Only two episodes deep into Gossip Girl’s sophomore season, and already the plot is taking more twists and turns than my wine corkscrew on a nightly basis.

Who would have thought that Nate’s mistress from last week, Catherine, could also be the stepmother of Blair’s new man, Marcus “Suprise! I’m not boring, I’m a British Lord” Beaton? If you missed last night’s GG episode, yes, you read that correctly. Catherine is Marcus’ stepmother. And she’s still jonesing for some young Archibald lovin’.

Am I getting ahead of myself? I’m sorry, but so far this season I feel like the Serena/Dan drama takes a backseat to the follies of the other socialites. Last week, we left Serena and Dan in the middle of a romantic cliche - beach, bonfire, fireworks, everything that will never happen when I’m alone with a dude - and this week, Serena wakes up on the beach and tells Dan that they can’t just jump back into their relationship. Umm, why not? No matter, this is Serena Van der Woodsen we’re talking about, and two minutes later she’s boning Dan in the bathroom of the NYC-bound bus. Read More »