You know how you can rub a lamp and a genie will come out and grant you three awesome wishes (I mean, in theory)? Well, according to some people, if you rub a staple shoved into the “upper cartilage of [your] left pinna” — the visible part of the ear — three times a day, you won’t want candy and you’ll lose weight.

I’m serious.

Acupuncture has been around for a while, but this type of acupuncture has recently become more popular with lazy people who would rather get foreign objects stapled into their body then move around and eat more vegetables. Ear Stapling is connected to the idea that piercing the upper ear cartilage, “provides constant stimulation for the vagus or pneumogastric nerve, a very lengthy (the word vagus means wandering) nerve that supplies motor and sensory information from the mouth and larynx down to the large intestine and colon“.

Even though some people swear it works, one can really prove anything scientific when it comes to the practice of Ear Stapling. Maybe it’s real. Maybe it’s the Dumbo’s Feather affect. Whatever the case, if you’re asking someone to shove a staple through your ear to lose weight…you’ve got more to worry about than a propensity for donuts.

I mean…leave your ears alone, lift some weights, and cook more stir-frys. Honestly, friends…it’s not that hard.

Spring fever affects everyone differently, but personally, I’m filled with a dread for bikini season. I love summer, but the process of getting in shape for it is always terrifying until I’m about a month into it. I can’t motivate myself to start moving again and take advantage of the weather, and come June, I’m not quite where I want to be.

A friend of mine decided it would be fun to sign up for a race in Central Park, nothing “too serious,” just over three and a half miles. It’s far enough in advance where we all would have the opportunity to start “training” and whatnot, and so she worked her salesperson magic and spun it as a great, fun, healthy bonding activity. We could all run outside together when it got warmer, we could do it for ourselves instead of an actual win, it’d be great.

And it sounded stellar via email, so sign up I did. And as I printed my registration form, complete with runner number and team captain name, I calculated how long it had been since I had even seen my gym. I wasn’t sure I remembered how to get to it. Sure, last time I’d been I could run almost four miles on a treadmill, no problem… but that had been in January-ish. And there may have been an exceptional soundtrack to guide me.

The last time I ran outside I lasted fifteen minutes without falling over dead, and I willed my roommate my new pumps (even handed her the receipt so she could return them for her size). Read More »

I, like so many others, joined a gym last month. I swear, it had nothing to do with me wanting to hop on the New Years Resolution Band Wagon…it was more about the deals in January targeted toward those people more than anything else.

So now I go to the gym every day. And on Thursdays and Sundays, I belly dance. That’s right. I never saw my self as a belly dancer before, but when I saw these classes were being offered for free at the gym…uh…duh…I had to try it.

I saw a belly dancer once at a party and I thought, “Damn, that looks kinda easy. She shakes her ass and looks mysterious and has a cool outfit.”

I was gravely mistaken. Belly dancing is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Hands down. It’s harder than riding the train hung over, harder than breaking up face to face when you really just wanna send an email, and it’s definitely harder than just shaking your ass and looking mysterious. God, how I wish it were that easy.

The ass and hips, I am learning, have all sorts of muscles. But I’m pretty sure they’ve been set aside for those who belly dance ONLY because I certainly never felt them before. And now I feel them aching…every Friday and Monday. Read More »

I had seen the little symbol before: some weird upside-down horseshoe in a circle. My yoga instructor had even referenced them in the middle of class.

“Grab your legs, ladies. And don’t worry about stretching out those lululemons.”

I just never made any sort of connection. Lululemon? Is that some new way to refer to the va-jay-jay?

And then my sister in law brought me up to speed. Lululemon was a brand of workout apparel. The “best workout clothes around,” according to her; not to mention “super cute.”

“Lauren, they are seriously amazing,” she told me. “They are totally worth the money.”

So, when I was shopping with my mom this weekend and came across a brand new lululemon store, I decided to pop in and see what all the fuss was about. I sat my mom down in a chair and began sifting through the infamous black pants stacked neatly in little bamboo cubes.

I pulled out a pair labeled “tall;” simple black with some cute black diamond stitching at the top. They looked nice. Felt nice too. And then I saw the price tag. Read More »

Bad news New Years Resolutionites: looks like all that work you are doing at the gym isn’t quite as impressive as you have been lead to believe. Nor will it lead to the extreme or quick results you have been counting on. A recent article in the New York Times is claiming that the calorie counters on your favorite machines – especially the cherished, Elliptical – are wrong. Sometimes way wrong.

This news isn’t a total shock to most people - I mean, unless you are slightly delusional or in denial, you should be able to tell that a 30 minute stint on the cross-trainer could not possibly burn 500 calories – but it is still a little disconcerting. What is the point of having calorie counters on machines if they are so off? And how many calories am I burning during my workout? Read More »

How do you know when the world has gone too PC?When someone puts Santa on a diet.

In a shopping center near Dartford, England, Mall Santas are being put through a “month long boot camp” to help them lose weight before the Holiday season bombards their laps with little kids.

“There’s nothing wrong with Santa being the size that he is,” explains property manager Tim Holland, “we just want him to have a modern day makeover to reflect the realistic demands of being the world’s most renowned delivery man.”

Throughout November, shoppers have been able to watch 12 commissioned Santas put through the wringer by a personal trainer. While this Santa slim-down screams marketing ploy! to me, a spokeswoman from the British Heart Foundation claims “Creating a 21st Century Santa is an innovative idea encouraging children and adults to get into better shape.” Read More »

Most of us drag ourselves to the gym every other day or so not because we like it, but because we’re determined to keep extra pounds away and stay healthy.

Hell, I don’t wake up in the early morning, walk four avenues, and make myself sweaty on the elliptical because it’s fun—I do it because I have to.

Which is why I was super pissed (I mean, honestly, pissed) to read an article that was originally published in New York Magazine.

Why am I so mad? Because the article insinuated working out does nothing but make us hungry.

Without denying that 30 minutes a day on the Stairmaster is good for our health, journalist Gary Taubes recently explained that “most studies on the link between swimming laps and losing weight demonstrate little beyond one widely accepted fact: “exercising makes us hungry.”” Even more annoying, Taubes points out “exercise may even lead to a weight gain.”

According to Taubes, Jean Mayer, a nutritionist and “physiological chemist”, invented the “myth” of exercise being directly related to weight loss.

Taubes claims Mayer’s facts were “often contradictory”, but somehow his words caught fire with the American public and have stayed with us ever since. Read More »

Back when I was much younger, say 7th grade or so, I had a horrible relationship with my weight. We’re talking abusive. It wasn’t pretty.

These days, I tend to think I’m much better. A little critical, maybe, but what 24-year-old women isn’t? I certainly don’t really restrict myself, and try to eat everything in moderation (with a cupcake here and there) while working out a few times a week.

But according to this test, I’m still sorta weight obsessed.

While I’m not sure if a little online quiz can really diagnose a person, it was interesting to see what my knee-jerk reactions to some of the questions were.

As easygoing as I’d like to think I am about myself, I still tend to have a negative reaction when it comes to my weight. I can be judgmental of myself, and don’t take compliments very well at all.

I guess I’m still a work in progress.

Either that, or this quiz was totally harsh. Answer the questions, let me know what you think; accurate portrayal of your psyche, or severe take on a common female issue? Read More »

Have you ever thought to yourself, “gee, my boyfriend is being an ass. I sure wish I could punch him in the face without getting arrested”?Well, now you can. And if he wants, he can punch back.

According to the New York Times, young couples are beginning to get into the boxing ring together, sparring against each other for exercise and respect. While most men don’t jab back (or jab very lightly), women are routinely allowed and encouraged to beat the crap out of their mate. Read More »

For the longest time, I stayed away from the weight room at my gym.

Not because I’m a weakling who can hardly lift 50 pounds (I mean…I really don’t have any muscles…but that’s not the reason), but because the weight room is traditionally a breeding ground for testosterone. A box full of dudes grunting and veins popping and machines clanking. A place where a tiny redhead listening to Kelly Clarkson on her iPod kinda sticks out.

Even though I wanted to do more than cardio, I was resigned to the fact that I would never visit such a room. That was until a friend of mine changed me forever.

Sara is a lesbian. Therefore she’s not really intimidated by dudes. Thus, the weight room isn’t a scary place for her. Consequently, she told me we were going to start going there. Read More »