Q: I’m a 23-year-old single girl. The other week, I met a great guy, and we had an amazing first date. We’ve been talking on the phone and via text since then since we’re both away for the holidays, but we’re planning on getting together when we get back into town. He’s smart, really sweet, and I’m really attracted to him. There’s just one problem…I’m having a lot of anxiety about my first time. I’m a virgin. I feel like it’s going to be so obvious to him if I don’t tell him beforehand, but if I do, he might be freaked out and have second thoughts about sleeping with me. What should I do?

A: Although I’m not exactly of the mind that your first time is/has to be the candlelit, looking-into-his-eyes, two-souls-connecting kind of sex, I do firmly believe you’ll both be better off if he knows that it is indeed your first time. And not just because it’s the “right” thing to do, although I do feel like he has the right to know, if only because that kind of lie is a rocky foundation on which to build a relationship (if that’s what you want to do).

But besides that, think about yourself! Sometimes, when two people sleep together for the first time, it’s hesitant, sweet, get-to-know-you sex. Sometimes it’s not and you’re up against the wall and swinging from the ceiling fan. Believe me, it would benefit you that your first time isn’t the latter. Yes, he should be sensitive to your needs anyway, whether or not you’re a virgin, but a little extra TLC wouldn’t hurt for your first time around–and he can’t necessarily provide that if he has no idea. Read More »

Wanna ask the Tuffster a question, any question? Email her at tuffylove@collegecandy.com to be featured in her bi-weekly column, every other Tuesday!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a college sophomore and, until recently, I was planning to save myself for marriage. But I just recently I started dating the guy of my dreams and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. My question is what are some books where can I read about how to have sex? Not like kinky weird sex, just doing it for the first time. Help!

Thanks!!!!!!!
Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

Girl, before I get around to actually dis-pen-sing this advice to you, first I wanna say two things:

(1) Make sure you really want to lose it to this guy before you do it. Tuffy ain’t no abstinence advisor–I believe that having sex is a VERY healthy and important part of having an adult relationship–but if this was an important thing to you, make sure you’re not just caving into pressure. That said, if you do decide to go through with it, good for you! Sex is fanf*ckingtastic! BUT

(2) Be safe! Always use a condom. You got that, honey? Every. Single. Time. And you might want to look into the pill, too (in ADDITION to the condom), but that’s between you and your ob/gyn.

Now onto the actual advice: Read More »

I just read the beautifully written (but also mortifying) novella by Ian McKewan, On Chesil Beach. It’s a lovely little book, with well-drawn characters, but I think the main reason it’s been pretty famous this year is because of its infamous sex scene, a scene in which two inexperienced virgins get just about everything wrong.

Without giving it away, I couldn’t help laughing even as I blushed. At the same time, I learned a lot about what NOT to do when the realities of our bodies inevitably trip us up.

1. You must talk about sex. On Chesil Beach is set in the early sixties, a time when it was “simply impossible” for anyone to discuss sex. It’s the ultimate taboo subject even when people are married, and as a result, couples who get together barely know what to do with each other or even what to expect.

In the book, Florence is given a brief pamphlet about the bare bones of sex, but she still doesn’t have the first clue of what to do or what will happen on the man’s side of things. Because of this huge taboo of talking about sex, neither of them can talk healthily about it when things go wrong. Times have changed a lot since then, but I still think the taboo stands in a lot of situations. We’re not supposed to say certain words, protest if something hurts, or talk about what we want. But without having these difficult and embarrassing conversations, people will end up being disappointed, hurt, or just plain confused.

2. Don’t feel ashamed. A powerful sense of shame is another reason why Florence and Edward feel paralyzed in McKewan’s book. When things go wrong, Florence immediately assumes it’s her fault, she has done something wrong. Edward similarly feels ashamed for having “failed.” In reality, sex the first time is harder than TV and movies make it out to be. It takes a little finagling to get the jigsaw pieces together, so to speak, and if either girl or guy feels shame about this, it will taint the whole experience. Read More »

So, after last week’s steamy, scream-at-the-tv episode, it’s only fair to give the GG writers a break this week. Sure, tonight’s ep was full of underage drinking, fights, and Rufus trying to send Little J to jail, but it wasn’t as nail-biting as some of its predecessors. Of course, this only means that tonight’s episode was a vehicle to set up some MAJOR dramz next week and the week after.

Blair is still hell-bent on going to Yale, even though her little tiff with S. a couple of weeks ago may have maimed her chances. The solution? Serena gets Blair to babysit the Dean’s niece to earn brownie points. Only problem (and who didn’t see this one coming?) is that little Emma is on a mission to lose her virginity.

Gossip Girl put it quite poetically: Lady B…outsoxed by a young fox. Because, of course, if there’s a young, horny virgin on the prowl, she’s bound to get intercepted by the one and only Chuck Bass.

Favorite line of the night, courtesy of Mr. Bass: “The only thing I like aged is my scotch.” LOVE it.

However, Mr. Bass laments to Blair that he holds very few things sacred, and one of those things is humping in the back of a limo. How sweet, in a pervy Chuck Bass kind of way. Needless to say, the jailbait bounced and hit up a club in search of Mr. Right Now.

Meanwhile, Little J. is planning her big, risque fashion debut… at a charity gala being thrown in honor of Lily and Bart. Like that doesn’t have “disaster” written all over it. She pulls the “Do you care about me?” card with Nate…isn’t it a little early to try to whip your new boy toy, Little J.? Nonetheless, Nate takes the bait and the next thing we know, GG is loading Jenny and Nate’s second kiss into an RSS feed. Read More »

Some women get to have the dreamy, stereotypical first time. The love of your life surprises you with a romantic evening alone and it ends up in the bedroom. He tells you he loves you and all that jazz.
Well, you know what? Some of us would like to forget our first time, and “some of us” includes me. I’m not saying I regret it, but I sure as heck wish I’d put more thought into it and had better judgement.

I was young and stupid, and depressed. I was 16, a junior in high school, and had never been in love. My friends were hooking up and wondering why I’d never been able to have a boyfriend for longer than a week. I was never the “It” girl, I was more of the “one of the guys” girl. I’d never been told I was beautiful by any guy, I’d never been told I love you by anyone besides my parents.

So, my self-esteem really wasn’t all that great when my ex-boyfriend put the moves on me. During a play rehearsal. In a storage closet. And the cherry on top was the fact that after 2 minutes he just got dressed and left. TOTAL D-BAG!!!!! Read More »

I know a lot of people who are terrified of sex. I can’t entirely blame them, really. For something that’s one of the most intimate and natural things you could ever do, it’s instinctively just scary for a lot of people. You don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, where it’s going to happen…all of those important things tend to just kind of linger in the air.

But after your first time, you’re usually set in your beliefs: it’s either the best thing ever, okay, or entirely underrated. For me, well, I have no problem with it. It’s fun. It feels good. It can get you into loads of trouble, of course, but all-in-all, I’ve got no real valid complaints. And I suppose that’s a strange conclusion to come to, considering the first time I had sex, I didn’t want to. Read More »

When my doctor recommended I get my first gynecological exam at 18, I freaked out. I had spent the entirety of my life watching my mom pace and sweat for the three days leading up to her exams, so it wasn’t necessarily something I was excited about.

In addition, I was still a virgin and couldn’t understand why on earth I needed to go, not to mention the fact that being a virgin left me less than comfortable with my nether regions.

But I went.

Unfortunately, my mother had to leave town the day I was scheduled, so I actually went alone. And, surrounded by pregnant women, shook like a leaf by myself in the waiting room.

“Is this your first time?” A very pregnant woman took notice of my sweaty palms and incessant toe tapping.

“Mmmhmmm.” I wiped my palms on the Motherhood magazine on the chair next to me.

“It won’t be that bad. It’s not nearly as bad as the first time I had sex.” Awesome. Not only was this woman discussing her sex life with me, but she was giving me a reference point I couldn’t understand. But I didn’t get the chance to ask her about it, because at that moment the nurse came out and called me back. Read More »

Remember your first time?

Whether it was awesome or clumsy or downright awkward, most of us at least tried to make it great by the pre-V card-losing ambiance. A little soft music, a two hour window when our parents would be out seeing a movie, some incense…you know, the typical teenage decoration.

What your first time probably didn’t include was a house catching fire and burning down around you.

An 18-year-old German girl made her first time an experience to remember last week when she lit some candles that eventually set her bedroom curtains aflame. Trying to impress her guy with a little soft lighting, the girl ended up burning half her house down, forcing her and her beau to run outside completely naked as flames engulfed the entire upper floor. Read More »