Sure, there’s a ton of actual good TV. For instance, the Discovery Channel has a lot of educational crap. (Disclaimer: I secretly love the Discovery Channel.)

But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?
And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!
Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!
Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear
It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go. Read More »

So, eager to see the new challenge in store, I sat on my couch last night with a bag of popcorn, tuning in to episode 2 of I Love Money. With Midget Mac out of the picture, the female bashing has subdued a bit, but that doesn’t mean drama wasn’t in full force on last night’s episode.

First off, the challenge consisted of going up on a bed-like crane structure, above water and battling it out one-on-one with pogo-peg sticks, used to pummel each other in the head and body. Rodeo and Destiny were team captains, making it a huge bitch fest when it came to picking five people for each team to battle each other.

Rodeo’s gold team lost to Destiny’s Green Team, but not after Mr. Boston beat the crap out of Nibblz, claiming that he was so excited to have this “sexual experience” of wrestling a girl in a bed, 50 feet in the air.

My favorite part of the episode however, was when the teams had to pick out the three weakest people and Destiny – being the team captain of the winning team – got to decide who to eliminate, but not before taking out the three weakest players: Nibblz, Toasty and Pumkin, out to a Mexican fiesta lunch.

Toasty and Pumkin – television’s two classiest ladies (the porn star and award winning spitter) formed an alliance before the luncheon to convince Destiny that, because they’re weaker competitors than Nibblz, to keep them in the game and kick Nibblz to the curb. Plus, as Toasty said regarding Nibblz getting her kicked off Flavor of Love for her porn activities, “payback’s a bitch.” Read More »

Being a fan of I Love New York, Rock of Love and, the show that started them all, Flavor of Love, I was stoked to hear about a new show coming to VH1 that puts together the classiest (i.e., trashiest) contestants ever to grace the VH1 stage. Sunday night, I tuned in to see the characters parade in the house (which is totally sick by the way – where does VH1 come up with these ideas?!) and get inevitably hammered, only to compete in ridiculous stunt after stunt. (Can we say The Real World Inferno on crack?)

Let me just comment on a few of the wonderful tidbits of the season premier that reassured viewers that this will be reality at its finest:
Twelve-Pack and Heather. So, Rock of Love’s no.1 craziest bitch is going to get it on with the speedo, spandex wearing drunk who, despite from his abs, is about one tap dance away from being the most sexually confused man on television.
Brandi C. You spray painted your dog pink. PINK. You are not Paris Hilton honey and even she hasn’t stooped to that level yet. Read More »

It’s finally happened. I’ve finally completely lost my mind.

How do I know? Because I’m really, really looking forward to this.

Yes, you understood that video correctly–there is going to be a show in which reality “stars” from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York compete for cash (specifically, $250,000). And not the actual stars. It’s going to be the doofuses (doofii?) who competed for the lame stars’ hearts. (Note: New York is not lame. New York is a marvel of nature whose delightful bizarreness I will love for always. Just so’s ya know.)

Annnnyway, let’s take a look at the cast, shall we?

Brandi C. from Rock of Love
That weird blonde chick from the first season who kept calling Bret her boyfriend is back for the moolah. Having tried porn after she got off the show (frankly, not surprising), she was ready to jump back on the screen and into our hearts. Wait, did I say hearts? I meant nightmares.

The Entertainer from I Love New York
The crazo who got kicked off the show for living with his parents is back for more. This guy was pretty freaking crazy–there was an episode where he was convinced the house was haunted, so he wouldn’t take off his construction helmet. And I mean; what those two wacko things even have to do with one another I do not know. Read More »

I forget to watch this show. If I remember that it’s on then I do things to avoid paying attention to it, like cleaning and school work. But I have to face this head on…

Ugh.

So for this episode, the parents are set to arrive and the ladies have to clean.

Seezinz discovered a toilet clogged with Hotlanta drunk puke – it had been there for days so Black and Seezinz clean the stank. I wanna die just thinking about it yet somehow I feel like this is going to be the highlight of the show.

First in are T2’s parents. I’m surprised T1 didn’t show up, too. Flav has his hair done in those braid horns again.

Next, Sinceer’s dad arrives. He’s wearing a hat – is he hiding his klingon forehead? He asks for a beer and we’re probably going to see where Sinceer gets that personality of hers.

Seezinz parents come in and they start questioning Flav. “Why do you wear a clock?” “What are you intentions?” “What you planning from this moment forward with our daughter?” Uh, do they know that this isn’t for real dating? “How many seasons have you done this?” Well, then you should know. “You don’t need to have sex to find love.” Really, Mama Seezinz? Flav and I disagree.

Flav takes Sinceer, T2 and Co. to go bowling. I hate bowling. T2 is surprisingly good at it and Sinceer feels jealous. Ew, don’t make out with anyone in front of their parents. Read More »

Remember last time? Yeah, I try to forget about it, too.

Flav starts the day by telling the girls that he wants them to star in a FOL 3 calendar. Oh, no.

Buckwild and Saaphyri enter - Flav brought them in because they are entrepreneurs. Buckwild, who, in her words, “dresses like a slot machine” has a clothing line coming out, Saaphyri is coming out with lip chap.

The girls will assist with the calendar and help him figure out who should go home. What that has to do with dressing like a ‘slot’ (heh) or making lip chap is beyond me.

The best picture gets the date. Flav wants to have a sexy calendar that’ll put Playboy out of business. Is Shy giving them posing pointers? Because she watches Tyra?

Seezinz calls a meeting so that everyone can get a solo shot. Hotlanta wants the August bikini shot. Prancer’s going to be the Easter bunny? And she’s doing July? NO, you can’t do every single month.

No one thinks that Shy is hot – neither do I. That would be because Shy reminds me of Eddie Murphy.

[For the record: there are no words to describe the monstrosity of the posing] Read More »

The show begins exactly where the last episode left off, right after eliminations. Flav wants some time with Bunz and as they are making out on his bed, Flav tells her that she is the first girl to be there. So where was Hotlanta the night before? That clearly was your bed, dude.

The next morning, the Things and Sinceer talk about how they are the only real ones left in the house now that Grayvee has been eliminated. Poor thing, Grayvee did seem to be there FOR Flav. Sinceer calls their mission to get the fakes out of the house “Operation Focused.” Haha. Get a drink and start Operation Drunk Ass already.

The challenge for the day: the girls will split into three teams so that they can create a children’s bed time story based on the costumes that they’re given. These costumes are going to be so far from kid friendly. And obviously Flav will bring in children to hear these stories.

What kind of sh*tty parents let their children appear on this show? Actually, who am I kidding – if I had a kid, I’d force them on to this show so that I could witness this mess on the set myself. Read More »

I’ve gotta tell you all – I watched the last ten minutes of this episode two days before I sat down to watch the whole thing, so I was really looking forward to seeing what I thought would be a nasty entertaining mess of an episode.

On episode 4, the FOL people waste no time introducing the challenge: split into two teams for a Flavorette Roast. Cringe. Each team will be coached by some unfamous comedienne to write jokes about one person from the other team. The winning team gets a date, the master roaster gets the solo date.

Remember the Flav roast on Comedy Central? Snoop saved that mess.

Anyway, team one consists of Shy, the Things, Prancer, Myammee and Sinceer and team two has Bee-Ex, Bunz, Grayvee, Hotlanta and Seezinz.

Team one wants to target Hotlanta. They throw around things like, “Looks like she got ten stomachs”; “monkey hands”; “stripper.” What? Then someone says something about a herpes bump on her lip. Oh. Sh*t. Read More »

I have admitted to some of my friends that I have seen every Flavor of Love episode and each time I admit it to someone new, they react as everyone else before them has reacted - with pity. They look like they want to take a hand to my cheek, furrow their brows in confusion and say, “You? But why?”

But now my excuse is that I watch it for all of you. Don’t be offended; they know that I’m lying.

That and I admit that I prefer the FOL girls to the ROL girls. On ROL they are passive aggressive; FOL is in your face. The one liners are priceless. Like I’m just waiting for the episode during which Shy busts out that one about her stretch marks kicking someone’s ass.

Anyway, the episode starts with Sinceer with the sixhead revealing that she’s a “drunk ho” and I’m excited simply at the thought of a drunk in the house.

Big Rick delivers the Flav-O-Gram announcing the challenge for the day. The girls have to be nurses and cure Flav’s broken heart. Oh, God, why?

The ladies take an hour to get ready and in the midst of my fears that some of them actually brought the appropriate outfits and accessories with them, Rayna starts wigging out about someone stealing her perfume. She confronts Bee-Ex in the kitchen and my house favorite is born when Bee-Ex replies, “I don’t smell like you; I smell good.” Read More »

So another Miss America pageant has come and gone without anyone really noticing.

Maybe it’s because we have other fantastic outlets to judge people, such as, say, Rock of Love, I Love New York, and the classic and oh-so-classy Flavor of Love (I’m detecting a “love” theme here, VH1).

Unpredictability is what sells, any idiot can see that. So in order to boost ratings, TLC made its own reality show about this year’s Miss America contestents, Miss America: Reality Check, which shows us that shockingly, some of these girls aren’t so bright.

I mean, that’s surprising, right? A not smart hot girl. Wow. And isn’t it just a little humorous that they can’t even bother to be creative with a title to try and pull viewers?

Reality Check is a little too formulaic for the typical American audience. We get it already. 50 Barbies prance around in eveningwear and bikinis, trying to show us that their baton-twirling or vocal stylings can change the world. They get narrowed down, the 4 prettiest, blondest Southern girls stay on and Texas always wins. Those of us who live in the North ponder what our lives could have been had we been born to drawl and drink sweet tea, and then quickly remember that it’s kind of like a foreign country and snap out of it.

This year’s winner was Miss Michigan, Kristen Haglund. That’s really the only thing I heard and remotely cared about. Finally, some good representation from the mitten… or is it? Read More »