I don’t do sports. I don’t play them, I don’t watch them, and I most importantly don’t understand them. I still get basketballs, footballs, and blueballs confused. Until I was not-so-gently corrected by a friend, I thought Tiki Barber was the name of a Hawaiian hair salon. So it comes as no surprise that I not only don’t participate in watching the weekend football games, but I actually go out of my way to avoid them.

My roommate and I have an understanding: I leave the apartment when she watches the Eagles game and she leaves the apartment when I watch Grey’s Anatomy. We both find the others’ television viewing choice ridiculous and pointless. On the rare occasion I make the mistake of sticking around during a football game I am subjected to her ear-piercing screams that are so loud and so full of energy that people must mistake her cheers for domestic abuse. When they are winning she shouts; when they are losing she screams. Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation for me.

However, she apparently isn’t the only one that enjoys the sport and over the years I’ve had to endure several games. By several, I mean two. I’ve learned a few things along the way: Read More »

Thinking about a dad in a non-fatherly way is gross. On so many levels.

But at TV dad? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Everyone at one point has been watching a show and had a rare, but undeniable attraction to a TV Dad. An “I wish I could reach into the TV, knock his wife out and take him right there on the kitchen table” sorta moment. Or a, “If that man didn’t have spit up on his shoulder I would totally do him,” situation.

I know I’m not alone….

There are just some delicious TV dads. The kind of dads that make dad crushes OK (or not quite as gross and sick and wrong).

So, instead of privately fantasizing about all the Hot Dads I’d like to screw, I’ve compiled a list for your reading and viewing pleasure.

Read More »

Women’s social issues have been treated in programs geared towards teens for ages. Remember when DJ Tanner went on a crash diet so she could look good in a bathing suit, and then passed out on a stairclimber?

On Saved by the Bell, Elizabeth Berkley gained pre-Showgirls notoriety, for the famous Jessie Spano Caffeine Pill Breakdown (I’m so excited! I’m so scared!). Of course, Full House and SBTB were heart-warming sitcoms, where everyone learns their lesson in the end, and move away from their self-destructive behavior, never to mention anorexia, bullimia, or drug abuse ever again.

The breakout Canadian teen sensation, Degrassi, which airs in the US on The N network, covers a variety of teen issues, without the cavity-inducing sugary sweetness of the stuff we grew up on. Among the kids who dabble in drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, and bi-polar disorder, Degrassi introduced the world to Ellie Nash, who is a cutter.

I’m too old for Degrassi, but I don’t care. I’m pretty much obsessed with it. The best part about the show is that it doesn’t sweep the issues under the rug at the end of each 22-minute episode. And because the writers have the balls to “Go There.” I mean, come on: we all know the caffeine-pill incident was a stand-in for a harder drug, like speed or something, but hard drugs don’t exist at Bayside High.

I remember when the cutting craze swept my middle school. I have no idea who started it, or why it caught on, but at my school, cutting was the iPhone of the late 90’s. Read More »

T.G.I.F.

Remember when that meant a night of Full House and Family Matters? Now it just means a night of heavy drinking followed by a day of serious sleeping. And I still love it just as much.

This week was a long one. We lost Estelle Getty. Our boyfriend, Christian Bale, was arrested for yelling at his mother. And we found out that all the not-so-hard work we are putting into college isn’t worth crap anymore. Awesome.

But even though another week has passed, crazy girls are still around, we are still too picky when it comes to picking boys, and freaky guys are still all about peeing on us in bed. WTF?

Maybe we should stick to being single? It is far too hard to find a tall guy anyway. And getting into a relationship only means adding another ex to the list…who you will never be able to avoid thanks to our generation’s problem with oversharing.

Ugh. I need a shot.

At least boys are starting to appreciate more comfortable undies. I’ll keep that thought close to my heart as I enjoy yet another awesome summer weekend.

Everywhere I go, I see couples of all shapes and sizes. I’m no Supermodel, but I’m not a total trainwreck either; I’m literate, have seen “Iron Man” at least six times, and shower almost everyday. So why isn’t anyone spooning with me?

After analyzing all of my failed attempts into coupledom, I realized it’s not me doing something wrong–it’s every guy I’ve ever been with: they never meet my standards. But what are my standards? Two words: have mercy!

…Okay, two more: Uncle Jesse.

That’s right, Uncle Jesse is my dream man. The Prince Charming to my Cinderella, the McDreamy to my Dr. Grey, the Richard Gere to, well, everybody’s mom.

John Stamos’ portrayal of Uncle Jesse on the sitcom “Full House” entered my life at the young and impressionable age of literally the day I was born. I mean, it’s kind of weird to say that he shot me into puberty before I was out of diapers, but since I could process emotions, I’ve known who the man for me is.

Why waste time on the frat guy with premature male-pattern baldness in Philosophy 101, or the dude with those cheese whiz-stained pants that used to live on my floor? I’m still a young sprite, and am in no rush to lower my standards, thankyouverymuch.

Here are the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is the reason I’m still single: Read More »

You know how I know it’s gonna be a great day? Because the first thing I saw on the Internet this morning was a big, fat picture of the uterus of Stephanie Tanner, a.k.a Jodie Sweetin.

Didn’t you know uteruses of old T.G.I.F stars are good luck? It’s true.

Stephanie Tanner, who spent 9 unforgettable years causing shenanigans and making me jealous on Full House, (Tommy Page is so dreamy) with the same expression on her face, is now preggers! Not only that, but she sent her ultrasound pics to TMZ for what I can only guess is some hopeful media attention. Man, what some people will do….rather unnecessary if you ask me, but this is much better attention than her addiction to meth! Wee-hoo!

But Stephanie isn’t the only one with new developments (and in her case, developments also means “boob job”). Some updates on the fam:

Danny Tanner, a.k.a Bob Saget, recently had an HBO comedy special. Too bad it sucked. If you’re gonna do a whole bit on animal sex and incessantly curse, make it funny. Read More »

I think I’ve found myself a new celeb girl-crush.

I’ve been a fan of the Olsen twins since Full House, and a closeted fan ever since their enrollment to my school, New York University, was met with open hostility and disdain. I couldn’t get enough of it—their grandma-chic outfits that look like they were put together by a casual stroll through a high-end Salvation Army, their oversized sunglasses that look like they weigh more than the both of the them combined, even their movies that I watched like I watched Lifetime movies, with secret delight.

But after reading Ashley Olsen’s interview in the September issue of Marie Claire, I think I may finally be ready to come out of the closet with my Olsen love. Because, well, it turns out Ashley is kind of…cool. Quirky, a bit strange, and maybe not exactly “the coolest girl in the world,” as Marie Claire dubs her in the title of the article, but surprisingly self-aware and likable.

My only brush with Ashley took place in an NYU bathroom, after which I promptly texted my friend, “Oh my god, I just peed next to Ashley Olsen.” But save for that, and scattered incidents of getting peeks of her crazy outfits on campus, she has remained an enigma to me. Until now. Some juicy facts that I learned about my favorite Hollywood waif: Read More »

There is something about Mary Kate Olsen that sets her aside from Ashley. It could be the Boho wardrobe, the sad Cupie eyes, or the protruding collar bone. Whatever it may be, Mary Kate is becoming an individual. MK’s recent departure from her identical (yet, fraternal) twin included a small part in last year’s Factory Girl that wound up on the cutting room floor but that doesn’t seem to be discouraging Olsen from venturing off onto her own.

This season Mary Kate will make her television return, sans sister Ashley, on the hit Showtime series Weeds. Olsen will be playing Tara a Christian girl from a church community called “Majestic”. It is reported that Tara will become the love interest of Nancy Botwin‘s (Mary Louise Parker) son Silas.

Set to appear in 10 out of 15 episodes, it leaves us wondering if audiences are ready for Mary Kate’s solo debut or if the CEOs of Dual Star Entertainment have become a package deal. Read More »