There are famous scenes from movies depicting it. There are Facebook bumper stickers dedicated to it. There are songs that shout the praises of it. There are how to articles and, hell, it even has search results on Wikipedia. Yet for the entirety of my life, the closest I’d come to Sex on the Beach was double fisting them on Friday nights. This had to change.

With the advent of summer upon us, I decided it was high time I was no longer a sex on the beach virgin. I grabbed my manfriend (chuckle chuckle, Carrie Bradshaw) and headed to the shore.

It was a perfect night for just being at the beach, let alone hooking up. Full moon, light breeze and crashing waves. Very romance novel. So boyfriend and I wandered along the beach until we found a secluded(ish) spot.

When we got there, however, I found that I could have done with some good advice before embarking on this adventure. So for all you beach bunny virgins out there contemplating some sea-side action, here is what I wish my experienced girlfriends had told me:

Bring a Flashlight: Luckily for us, the moon was enormous and lit our way pretty well. I happen to be completely blind in the smallest amount of darkness, though, and was petrified of stepping on baby sea turtles. If it’s even semi-cloudy out, a small light should help you navigate. Read More »

Many years ago, I decided to make a major career change, and, oddly it was just when I finally began my career as a professor. At the same time, two life major events happened. First, my mother suddenly passed from away colon cancer – the deadliest of cancers. She was diagnosed and died three months later, marking the exact day of the doctor’s discovery.

On top of that, and, as the cliché goes, my big “3-0” was right around the corner. Like most vain woman, the mere thought of turning thirty made me frantic, and despite my youthful appearance (I was still lucky enough to be carded for cigarettes!), I was resigned to the idea that Botox would soon be part of my regular regime for maintaining my present natural beauty.

At least I could claim to be happily married, a rare gift that I possess to this day, so I knew there were other qualities besides my looks that I had going for me. And, despite my looks, I am not the most exciting lover. Nevertheless, I knew that my new job, that of being a junior professor, meant that I’d be drowning in more work than I had had previously.

I was in the first stages of becoming a young scholar, but given my mournful state, which was becoming an ever increasing strain on my personal life, I had serious doubts about this chosen career path. Up until that time I had always planned on becoming a scholar. After all, my own mother had been a leading scholar in feminist studies, and she had made it clear that I too was destined to become a professor, just like her. She was my goddess, so why would I have ever doubted this plan that she’d laid out for me? Read More »

I feel it is time, time to LEARN, time to take notes….whip out your index cards, your recorders, your brilliant memory and LISTEN: Cougars, know shit we don’t.

If you disagree with me, all I’m going to say is…..if you could bag Ashton Kutcher would you??? RIGHT. So don’t argue with me, we all would. Demi could teach us a lesson or two, or eight.

Us twenty somethings DIDN’T “bag” Kutcher, a cougar did, since cougars have tricks we should add to the “bag” in order to…. “bag.” (Insert cheesy joke here, I couldn’t help myself.)

Obviously, we’ll never be able to compete with time, since, that’s science and time is an uncontrollable factor. However, if we are SMART, we’ll take some of the vampy COUGAR tricks in order to ooze absolute sex appeal, without having to wear “Mom jeans” (if you don’t know “Mom jeans”, look at your mothers flat, heart shaped ass and tell me how much that ISN’T cougar material.)

If we are smart, we already have a step up, since hey, we don’t have to worry about age defying wrinkle cream, menopause, gray hairs…and shit (the “and shit” was added for my immature emphasis.)

So what is a “Cougar” anyway, you ask??
A Cougar: A babe beyond 40. Sex drive on HIGH. Heels, on HIGH. Hair, on HIGH, with the assistance of Aqua Net, and BOOBS, up HIGH.
But most importantly…CONFIDENCE at a soaring dangerous level of: HIGH. Read More »