Early one morning a year ago in Vlissingen, Netherlands, a 21- year old named Ruth de Visser died in her sleep finally succumbing to the ravaging forces of Hodgkins disease. She was my best friend.

Less than 48 hours later, I found myself back in the States, walking across the stage at GWU to receive my BA.

It’s impossible to describe my emotions at that moment. I was simultaneously overjoyed to graduate and heartbroken to the point of physical pain from the loss of my friend. I don’t remember the entire weekend actually — only that it was punctuated with meltdowns and many out-of-body experiences.

I felt so alone. Part of this was due to the innate solitary nature of the grieving process — and nothing I write here can really change that feeling. The other part, however, was figuring out how to explain to my loved ones what I needed from them. Initially, I was too exhausted to do this — I pushed everyone away, including my poor boyfriend, and walked around like a lost zombie. At the time I wished that there was a way for everyone to just “get” what I was feeling. Read More »