In case you weren’t aware, Hollywood is weird and incestuous

Samantha Ronson is straight up fugly. Even if you like girls who dress like skinny hipster boys (I’m looking at you, Lilo).

Shia keeps dissapointing me (one more strike and we are NOT getting married)

No hurrahs for Al-Hurra: the American government’s idiotic puppet propaganda channel is, not surprisingly, NOT POPULAR with the Arab world

George Carlin: we’ll miss you, you controversial badass

“Pregnancy Pact” perhaps not a pact at all…just “a lot of girls who know each other getting pregnant at the same time and being happy about it”

Mike Meyers is either a diva, or just freaking out because everyone hates The Love Guru

That jogging bra might just save your life (and not in the way you think)

Yes, trends come and go, so we should probably just shut up and learn to live with them.

However, that is so not my style.

So, that said, here are the three trends of the summer that I most hate. Agree? Disagree? Couldn’t give a shoop? All fine, but I flippin’ hate these.

(3) Fuchsia Lips

Or, rather, fuchsia lipstick.

Fuchsia lips are an example of a trend that works fine on the runway but fails just about everywhere else. In other words, it looks fine if you aren’t trying to look at the actual person.

In the pictures above, we’ve got two adorable, gorgeous celebrities (Christina Ricci and Beyonce)…and they both look strangely washed out and clowny and old, even with the help of celebrity make-up artists. Read More »

I have an account on a dating site. But I never use it. Unless I want to depress myself. Then I use it.

It’s easy to depress oneself on an online dating site – especially if A) you know for a fact you’ll never find the person you want online and B) all your “matches” are either really unattractive or cover their profile with flowery prose that’s so full of sh*t there’s no room for actual talent.

Aside from the shirtless mirror shot attached to a Faulker-esque description of New York City in the winter or a predisposition for “coding computers”, there’s nothing that turns me off faster than when one of my weird, douchebag-like “matches” has NPR listed as one of their loves. Which is strange. Because I love NPR.

I love being serenaded on long Sunday car rides by Ira Glass’s calming monotone during This American Life. I enjoy All Things Considered, BBC World Service updates, and the occasional funny op-ed by a slightly famous quirky writer. I feel comfortable with NPR’s obvious liberal bias – as I myself own such a bias – and there’s nothing better than sitting alone in my apartment with a glass of wine as deep-set, unhurried voices click their well versed tongues against my eardrums. NPR is like a womb. A liberal, literary, sophisticated womb where I take comfort at least twice a day (if not more).

So why the shuddering when I notice a potential mate might enjoy themselves some Fresh Air with Terry Gross?

I’m not sure, exactly. Maybe because most of the people I know who listen to public radio are bleeding heart liberals, and even though I consider myself one of those bleeders (with a shot of hippie thrown in), I get a little nervous when a guy describes himself that way. Read More »

I mean, I love Facebook. Seriously. Facebook allows me to keep in touch with old friends. It tells me when people I know marginally add pictures of their nights out. It lets me see who all my exboyfriends are dating.

Which brings me to #1:

1) It lets me see who all my exboyfriends are dating.
I really, really don’t want to know.

Which probably means I should delete them as friends, or at least use that spiffy little thing that lets you control who you don’t want to see on your newsfeed. But I, quite frankly, do not posess the willpower.

Oh well. The more you know. And crap.

2) Lil Green Patch.
Lil freakin’ Green Patch! Read More »

I’m not a music snob. Not by a long shot. I like too many genres of music to be one of those people who comb through record stores like Indiana Jones [can’t wait for the new movie, btw!] in some ancient temple of indie-hipster-obscurity reserved for bands who only play in garages dark enough to contain their slippery coolness.

Whenever people would try to corner me with the “what’s your favorite band?” question, I would always shrug and tell them the truthfull answer, which was “my tastes change too often to have a favorite.”

Then, I discovered The Weepies.

I had always been a fan of Deb Talan, her beautifully different voice and soft, simple lyrics carrying me through many a break-up or summer drive in the country. So when Deb joined up with fellow folk musician Steve Tannen a few years ago, I was suspicious. Who was this guy and what was he going to do with my Deb’s lovely music?

Turns out, the only thing he did was make it better. Read More »

About a month ago, a bright and shiny new Pinkberry shop opened up on St. Mark’s, a Hipstered-out street that’s only a few blocks from where I work. The first time I tried the mystery confection, I wasn’t sold. It kinda tastes like cold yogurt, I thought. Cold yogurt…but not.

But the second time, after eating an entire medium cup filled with the “original” flavor (don’t call it vanilla, they get oddly pissed) and a few scoops of fruit, I thought, it kinda tastes like cold yogurt. Cold yogurt…but better!

Since then, I’ve been a regular customer at this low fat, low calorie chain. So regular, in fact, that I actually felt sad when the New York Times recently confirmed my suspicious that things which seem too good to be true — are.

Seems that even though Pinkberry totes itself as all natural, it really, really isn’t.

“The list [of ingrediants] includes at least five additives defined by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization as emulsifiers (propylene glycol esters, lactoglycerides, sodium acid pyrophosphate, mono- and diglycerides); four acidifiers (magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, citric acid, sodium citrate); tocopherol, a natural preservative; and two ingredients — starch and maltodextrin — that were characterized as fillers by Dr. Gary A. Reineccius, a professor in the department of food science and nutrition at the University of Minnesota and an expert in food additives.”

Damn you, Pinkberry! Damn you for letting me think I was eating a natural, low calorie snack when what I was really doing was stuffing myself with low calorie chemicals that will most likely cause my liver to shrivel and heart to explode in like 8 years.

Why didn’t you just stay in LA?!

I have a friend who thinks that every Craigslist Missed Connection was written for her.

Seriously. It would say, “You: Blonde with eyes. Me: Guy on the train who was looking at you. Did we connect?” And she would stretch her arms and yawn and tell me, “I saw myself in Missed Connections today. Did you?”

The truth is, I have seen myself in Missed Connections. Once. But I didn’t respond. I do have a boyfriend, after all.

So why am I looking at Missed Connections in the first place?

BECAUSE I CAN’T STOP.

Take, for instance, the case of a random m4f in Chelsea: Read More »

I’ll admit it right here, right now: I’ve always been a total sucker for the “artsy” guy. Now that I’m venturing into single early twenties territory, I’m sorta wishing Kurt Cobain hadn’t been my love interest when I was younger.

If I could have just had a super crush on a lawyer…or even a football player…maybe everything would be more normal in my love life.

Maybe I wouldn’t find myself waking up on an air mattress in a loft in Williamsburg… pinching myself and then repeating over and over, “He’s an ARTIST, Elizabeth…he’s an ARTIST.”

But I’m an artist, too. Hell, all I do is write everything from books to songs all day. I even paint. And take pictures. And I dance. And I do mosaic. AND I sleep on a REAL bed in a real apartment that has heat and cable and plants that aren’t dead.

And so I sit on the train pondering this question. With every hipster/artsy looking boy I see, I wonder if he too sleeps on an air mattress. Is this a prerequisite for being cool?

Certainly, my artist lovers past….which would be…ugh…all of my lovers past…didn’t all sleep on air mattresses. In fact, I can only think of one other.

And then I realized: Read More »

I’ve heard it a million too many times: “Wear makeup so that it doesn’t LOOK like you’re wearing makeup!”

Too often, the advice is being given but no one is hanging around to do the instructing. Painting your face (and yes, I will stoop to this level) so that it looks natural is actually quite an artistic gift that one needs to work long and hard at honing.

It requires actually understanding the difference between your real lip color and candy apple red. It requires putting your purple eye shadow in detention until that glamorous-hipster-weekend party rolls along. (Or not so glamorous groupie rock show…either or). But if you can bear to face your day without these neon signs that scream “She might be UGLY under all of this!“, you’ll succeed in not only looking hotter than you actually do when you wake up, but also in fooling a whole lot of people that you’re ridiculously naturally gorgeous.

So here are some tips I’ve got for you. I do not bring them to you in vain. These tips have collected themselves in the beauty corner of my brain only after numerous glitter spills and eyeliner smears.

1. Mascara. You’ll need it. But lets keep it real, shall we? Your eyelashes aren’t blue. G et a color that makes sense for your natural complexion. If you’re one of those born blonde babes, try a light brown.

2. Concealer. Sometimes you simply have some stuff you wanna…ugh….CONCEAL. Dark circles. Pimples. Yeah, they’re the “real you”, but who needs to know? Try dabbing the makeup around the area you’re covering instead of wiping it in. Making sure you cover the area under your eyes can really lift them and make you seem way more awake than you probably are. Read More »

When it comes to Christmas presents its easy to forget man’s best friend. I mean, who’s there for you after a long day’s work? Who will cuddle with you during those long, lonely nights? Who will offer up kisses when nobody else will?

It’s unconditional love!

So, in addition to bones, treats, and snacks for your little pup, you could always splurge on an outfit for your mutt! Perfect, right?

In theory, sure. Maybe you have a little dog who needs the extra layers when it’s January and -25 degrees outside. Maybe you throw doggie boots on him when it’s icy (or you live in a city where the sidewalks may tear up your puppy’s feet).

But you know what I do have a problem with?

Hipster dog outfits.

Since when does a dog need clothing from American Apparel? Read More »