If my life was a movie, I’d look jaw-dropping-hot in a little black dress, and every college hook-up would involve a Freddie Prinze, Jr. lookalike leaning in for a kiss, while Six Pence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background. But, since my life is not She’s All That, my spit-swapping stories involve a lot of liquor, and a lot of regrets. There’s a Now! That’s What I Call Music CD out there with Aaron Carter’s “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” on the track listing. I know this because it made up the soundtrack of a one night stand a few years ago. Yeah, that’s how my sex life goes down.

Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen. Read More »

Probably the most drama-filled evening, last nights I Love Money sure did not disappoint.

The challenge consisted of constructing a catapult to launch raw chickens from (flashback to hottie, circa Flava Flav Season 1) and the first team to catch and place five raw chickens on the plates, wins the challenge and seals their fate away from elimination for the night.

As always, alliances began to form between teams before the mission even started. At the route of all problems was – surprise, surprise – trashy, plastic Megan, who formed too many alliances, causing Destiny, Mr. Boston and Brandi C. to be chosen as the three bottom players.

Originally, Megan, Brandi C. and Mr. Boston formed an alliance with 12 Pack, the winning team’s captain, to try and get White Boy’s name into the box, as he’s seen as the biggest threat. However, plans were brought to a halt when Megan and White Boy formed an alliance together to save each other, which they did, but not before Megan threw her prior “partners in crime” under the elimination bus. Read More »

You make a lot of mac and cheese. Right? Don’t lie. I’m onto you.

The thing is, you could very easy (and for much less money than going out to eat) make a much more enjoyable and fine-dining form of carby goodness: pasta with scallops.

This is a particularly good dish for entertaining. Also, did I mention it’s delicious? Well, it’s delicious.

Now get cracking:

Stuff You’ll Need

-1 pound of the pasta of your choice (but NOT something individual like bowties or elbows)
-1 1/2 pounds of scallops
-3/4 cups of butter
-3 shallots
-2 cups of a dry white wine (perhaps a Pinot Grigio?) Read More »

Here, take this quiz:

Independence Day should NOT mean independence from:
(a) your good sense
(b) your panties
(c) reality
(d) all of the above

Okay, obviously the answer is (a). And if you believe that, skip the rest of this article.

But seriously, Independence Day marks our freedom as an independent United States of America, and for some reason, this has morphed into a gigantular party day.

Which, look, is fine by me. I love partying.

However, may I suggest, for your own sake, that you stop a tequila shot short of blacking out? Here are the top reasons why:

(7) Missing the festivities
I mean, if you can’t remember it, how the flip can you enjoy it? That totally sucks! Especially when you find out you managed to do #6.

(6) Ruining your chances with a hottie
Yes, the odds for this increase dramatically if you are blacked out. During such a state sometime in my sophomore year of college, I allegedly once asked a potential hook-up if he was gay. Um, yeah. That didn’t work out in my favor. Read More »

Hottie of the Week
I can’t believe that I’m going to say this – but if you forget the infidelity and the fact that he probably gets his hair Japanese straightened, Mario Lopez has a smokin’ body.

Song of the week
Katy Perry, “I Kissed a Girl”.
I hate this song.

Freak Show
Verne Troyer/Mini-Me sex tape. Why don’t they just pour acid on our eyes?

Am I the only one who thinks that Jennifer Lopez would be absolutely frightening if you pissed her off even just a tiny bit? FYI, you may get the store discount if you ask nicely and don’t have your bodyguard show a gun to the shop girl. Read More »

April 1st. To some, it’s a day to tape faucets on and put saran wrap on toilet seats. It’s the first official day of the first official month of Spring. It’s a signal that winter is indeed, basically, over.

April also means that some of us are mere months away from either summer break or graduation, a fact that’s at once awesome and totally f*cking nerve wracking. What does the future hold, April? Will I get that job I’ve been praying for? Will I make it through Finals / my Thesis? Will flowers ever bloom again? And what about that hottie I’ve been eyeing for two months? Will they finally freaking notice me?! I mean, how many times do I have to walk by their door in my best pair of seductive summer shorts…?!

…Well, since April is a month and not a person, I suppose I’ll have to wait a little longer for these questions to be answered. But you, dear, fabulous reader, you can have your questions answered now!

If they’re about the site, of course. Got questions? Comments? Ideas? Let us know. A few cool things are going on with us, and all shall be revealed soon. But until then, we really want to hear from you. Where are you from? Favorite ice cream flavor? What really pisses you off, generally, when it comes to the human population?

Please. Elaborate.