So you’ve got the Boyfriend Blues. He doesn’t call when you want him to. He doesn’t respond to your texts. You go out of your way to cook him dinner, or help him study for his calc exam, and he barely mumbles a “thanks.” What a jerk, right?

Well, be glad he’s not this guy.

This past Wednesday, a Bronx man sunk to the lowest of douchebaggery lows when he stabbed his newlywed wife’s dog to death after an argument. Brian McCafferty, 28, had only been married to Jeanine Tulimero for a month when they broke out in an argument over McCafferty’s drinking early Wednesday morning. Tulimero became so upset, she left the apartment, only to return 45 minutes later to find her precious beagle, Jerry, stabbed to death.

Neighbors who heard the argument said they heard the puppy yelping and squealing shortly after the door slammed behind Tulimero. After police found a bloody knife inside the apartment, they arrested McCafferty on charges of criminal possession of a weapon, criminal mischief, animal cruelty and reckless endangerment.

There is absolutely no excuse for hurting a defenseless, harmless puppy. And the maliciousness with which this jerkoff maimed poor Jerry is despicable. While not all fellas are winners, Brian McCafferty is a grade-A LOSER with a capital L.

I scanned the menu of the dimly lit Thai restaurant where we had chosen to have lunch. It was really breakfast, being our first meal of the day. It was still only 11:30 in the morning.

My tongue ruminated on memories of peanut sauce and bean sprouts, quickly tasting each dish with which it was presented and re-shelving the phantom platter for a later craving. When my eyes came to rest on the Spicy Green Curry, I knew my mouth had found what it wanted.

Something in me was telling me that this was the dish I should order, despite the warning label under the menu description advertising this as a “very spicy dish.” Or maybe precisely because of that label.

As I barreled my way through that burning sensation that was my breakfast, I wondered why on Earth I was doing this to myself. There was so much spice that I could barely taste anything else. There were hints of coconut milk here, and eggplant there, but mostly my mouth was a wasteland of curry on fire.

That got me thinking about my whole relationship with spicy food. I can’t say that I really like how it tastes. So why do I love eating it? Read More »

Nice guys think they finish last. Assholes think they finish first. As Dane Cook would put it, “What about the whole middle ground here where YOU’RE AN IDIOT!?”

There’s more to it than good guys and bad guys. I’m sick of hearing nice guys complain that so many of us girls choose to date jerks. Screw that. It’s just that the nice guys, the REALLY nice ones, are disguised. “Nice Guys” are the ones hovering over your desk at work, telling you:

“You know, I’M A NICE GUY, but you girls only like dirtballs.” Read More »