As promised, I want to continue this series on why I find Jessica and Ashlee to be so insidious. As another esteemed blogger pointed out today, Papa Joe is up to something bad (again) with Ashlee and her overly eye-lined lover, Pete Wentz.

[On a side note: Pete, what, what, darling are you thinking? Didn’t you see what happened to Nick? I know you got a new deal with Nordstrom, and I guess that’s cool, but what’s making you so delusional? I mean, couldn’t you find another plasticized gal to replace Ashlee? I mean, it’s not Ashlee, it’s the fact that you’re marrying her dad, too! The guy is a creep, a class-A creep. Didn’t you watch the Newlyweds, or did the clan make you sign some contract, in which you agreed to NEVER pop it into your DVD machine?]

Let’s get back to the juicy stuff, and let Pete learn his own lesson. (I’ll be the first to express my sympathies to you, Mr. Wentz).

So, rumors abound in Hollyweird. Yes, there’s a whole lot of concern about Ashlee’s “bump.” (Hold on, I gotta go vomit. That overly used words makes me sick. Bump sightings here, there, everywhere – even guys have bumps these days!) There are so many friggin’ pregnancy rumors about Ashlee, you’d think the “rumor machine” would explode. If that’s the case, however, and Ashlee is pregnant, then let’s have a moment of silence. Why? Cuz’ Papa Joe is gonna appear at his vilest. Read More »

So, Papa Joe might find me and kill me (or send out a swat team of lawyers). But I don’t care. I’ll put it bluntly, and to him: “Papa Joe, your family is hideous, and you’re to blame.”

I hate thinking about the Simpsons. I try not to think about them. Ever. But when I do think about the Simpsons, and conjure up their faces in my mind’s eye, it makes me want to stab my actual eyeballs with needles or a really sharp knife. Since I like my eyes, and appreciate all that they do for me (good jobs, eyes!), I try to avoid images of the Simpson clan. Nevertheless, the girls appear on a lot of my magazines and are picked on at most the blogs I surf every day. Inevitably, I am forced to think about them, even look at them.

I’m sure some of you think I’m being unduly harsh when speaking in such venomous tones. Indeed, the Simpson camp would agree with you. So, by all means, go ahead and join that nest of vipers. But I can’t help being critical. In my mind, they rank up there with the worst of the Hollywood hacks, a close tie with Parasite Hilton or Lindsay Blohan.

OK, that’s hyperbolic, as I am thinking of more counter-examples myself, not to mention that the Simpsons, like Lohan, are in a different category than Hilton types, who were born, literally born, with golden spoons in their . . . well, you get the point.

These days, the competition to make it to the realm of beyond-pitiful is steep. Nevertheless, my dislike for the Simpsons is extremely intense. When did it all begin? Let’s see, I remember that “innocent” reality show . . . aaaaah, yes, The Newlyweds. That guy, Nick Lachey . . . that’s when he was in the picture, too. But Papa Joe effectively cut him out, didn’t he? Read More »

The holidays are a perfect time of year to sit back and reflect on what we’re most thankful for. Family, friends, warmth, PRESENTS…you know, all the good stuff life has brought us during the last 365 days.

Two things I am very thankful for this year? That I am not Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears.

At one time two of the hottest, most enviable babes out there, these days it’s hard for me to choose which one it would suck to be the most. To help me decide (and because I’m a little OCD), I’m complied a list.

If I was Jessica, I Would:

• Make movies that go straight to video
• Curse Tony Romo
• Have a dad who is certifiably smarmy
• Have sold my soul to MTV
• Have an untalented sister considered more talented than me
• Be known mostly for my boobs
• Own a website that looks like a high-quality ebay store Read More »

Daddy Simpson is spreading the word. Big sis Jess is taking it country. No more bubblegum pop.

Although I will admit I loved “With You”…which I’m listening to right now…

That’s the reason I love Jessica Simpson. Her music sucks and its horrible… and I love it. It’s the dance around in your underwear, want to be in love, lip-syncing in the mirror with a hairbrush type of music. It’s awful. It’s so awful you can’t help but love it. And I do.

But country?

Please, Jessica, spare me.

Your fake country accent in Dukes of Hazzard was worse than your fake tan at the CFDA awards. I grew up on country music and there are plenty of awful female country singers out there to go around. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have “Redneck Woman” stuck in my head right now.

As everyone’s favorite teenager dad said, “Everything in the music business, especially pop music, has moved away from singers. And I think country is the only pure, storytelling kind of genre left.”

So Jessica has a story to tell, and apparently she wants to tell it through country ballads rather than bubblegum pop lyrics. Is one genre not enough for musicians these days? Do they have to do everything—not just movies and music but every music genre too? Read More »

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