Everywhere I go, I see couples of all shapes and sizes. I’m no Supermodel, but I’m not a total trainwreck either; I’m literate, have seen “Iron Man” at least six times, and shower almost everyday. So why isn’t anyone spooning with me?

After analyzing all of my failed attempts into coupledom, I realized it’s not me doing something wrong–it’s every guy I’ve ever been with: they never meet my standards. But what are my standards? Two words: have mercy!

…Okay, two more: Uncle Jesse.

That’s right, Uncle Jesse is my dream man. The Prince Charming to my Cinderella, the McDreamy to my Dr. Grey, the Richard Gere to, well, everybody’s mom.

John Stamos’ portrayal of Uncle Jesse on the sitcom “Full House” entered my life at the young and impressionable age of literally the day I was born. I mean, it’s kind of weird to say that he shot me into puberty before I was out of diapers, but since I could process emotions, I’ve known who the man for me is.

Why waste time on the frat guy with premature male-pattern baldness in Philosophy 101, or the dude with those cheese whiz-stained pants that used to live on my floor? I’m still a young sprite, and am in no rush to lower my standards, thankyouverymuch.

Here are the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is the reason I’m still single: Read More »

Last time: we found out that Daisy is a stripper and Jessica went home.

Morning: everyone is back at the house quietly eating breakfast. Destiney isn’t wearing make up and she looks fantastic without it. Big John comes in with three buckets for them to clean the house because someone they know is coming. Daisy is cleaning in a half shirt. Of course she is.

Doorbell rings and it’s parent time. Ambre’s dad is the first to arrive and they hug like she’s coming home from war. Bret got his hair blown out and flat ironed and he desperately needs a bandana. At least a real parent showed up for her this time.

Destiney’s parents come. She’s wearing a pink hat but no make up so I’ll forgive the stupid hat.

Daisy’s been on her own since she was 15 so instead of parents, Stephanie, Daisy’s ex-boyfriend’s sister, shows up for her. Are you kidding? Bret is clearly not thrilled. Read More »

Having a best friend whose ridiculously good-humored father has had a gloriously well-kept mullet for years now, I have become quite appreciative of the ballsy hairstyle. For all the nay-sayers, I have five words: better than a bowl cut! After all, who wouldn’t be fond of a little business up front, a lotta party in the back?

Well it seems that now the most popular sites on the dubya dubya dubya are adopting my same appreciation for this historic hairdo, in what has been coined “the mullet strategy”. You love that sites like Facebook, Myspace, YouTube, HuffPost, (and uh, even CNN now?) let you comment, argue, discuss, and make creepy cyber friends, right? But have you ever noticed that you can’t get to any of that fun stuff on their opening homepage? Ah, yes, the mullet strategy in full effect. Read More »

• Cameron Diaz is a homewrecker! (TMZ)

• iPhone: The wait is over. (breitbart)

• John Stamos is sloshed down-under. (bestweekever)

• Posh and Moss party in PVC pants. (fashionizing)

• Prince’s newspaper promo has record stores pissed. (perezhilton)

There is something about Mary Kate Olsen that sets her aside from Ashley. It could be the Boho wardrobe, the sad Cupie eyes, or the protruding collar bone. Whatever it may be, Mary Kate is becoming an individual. MK’s recent departure from her identical (yet, fraternal) twin included a small part in last year’s Factory Girl that wound up on the cutting room floor but that doesn’t seem to be discouraging Olsen from venturing off onto her own.

This season Mary Kate will make her television return, sans sister Ashley, on the hit Showtime series Weeds. Olsen will be playing Tara a Christian girl from a church community called “Majestic”. It is reported that Tara will become the love interest of Nancy Botwin‘s (Mary Louise Parker) son Silas.

Set to appear in 10 out of 15 episodes, it leaves us wondering if audiences are ready for Mary Kate’s solo debut or if the CEOs of Dual Star Entertainment have become a package deal. Read More »