Wow, time really does fly when you’re having fun! I feel like it was just yesterday that Paris H. was arrested for drunk driving, thrown in jail, taken out of jail and put on house arrest, put back in jail, wrote an apology letter at the level of a third - grader, and decided to declare herself a changed woman to NBC  Larry King for a paltry sum of $1 million.

So much can happen in 23 days!

And now, as of 12:16 a.m. today, Paris is free. She has done her hard time with the grace of a true American heiress.

Her release was orchestrated with proper pomp and circumstance: she was allowed to trade her jumpsuit and handcuffs for a springy jacket and accessories and walk the cement carpet out of the block into a black Escalade, with her proud parents waiting inside. To congratulate her on a job well done, Rick and Kathy Hilton presented their daughter with flowers and an “aluminum - foil - wrapped snack.”

Bravo, Paris, brav0! I am anxiously awaiting your next performance. What will it be?

If you haven’t heard about the man with the missing pants yet, you must have been living under a rock; it’s been all over the television for days.

But for all those rock-dwellers, otherwise known as people with actual lives (psshhh whatever), here’s the quick overview.

Man, Judge Roy L. Pearson to be exact, (doesn’t it sound like a soap opera name?) gives pair of pants to his local dry cleaners, owned by the kind Chung family. (Can you tell I’ve already picked my side?) Anyway, Pearson doesn’t get his pants back, sues family for $54 million. That about sums it up.

Now, I don’t even know where to begin trying to pick apart this mess. For one, the man is a judge, you think he of all people would be against manipulating the American legal system, right? Well, not so much.

Pearson claims that because he no longer wants to use his neighborhood dry cleaner he’s going to need $15,000 every weekend for 10 years to rent a car and go to a further cleaner. He also threw in $2.5 million to cover the emotional stress he had to endure over those poor, poor pants.

This one time, in sixth grade my mom accidentally shrunk my favorite pair of stone-washed Limited Too jeans in the dryer and I cried for a week, so I totally know where he’s coming from. (WHAT?) Read More »