If my life was a movie, I’d look jaw-dropping-hot in a little black dress, and every college hook-up would involve a Freddie Prinze, Jr. lookalike leaning in for a kiss, while Six Pence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background. But, since my life is not She’s All That, my spit-swapping stories involve a lot of liquor, and a lot of regrets. There’s a Now! That’s What I Call Music CD out there with Aaron Carter’s “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” on the track listing. I know this because it made up the soundtrack of a one night stand a few years ago. Yeah, that’s how my sex life goes down.

Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen. Read More »

So, have you ever broken up with someone, and sworn to stay friends with him or her? Have you ever fallen out of touch with that someone, and decided to catch up on his or her life by looking at Flickr? When you found that person’s Flickr, did you happen to see several drugged-up hipster burlesque girls licking each others’ necks?

No? That’s what makes my exes special.

When I saw that my former beau was posting pictures of sexually adventurous Brooklynites, I had to call him up.

“Those ladies sure do like to lick each other,” I said. “Why is that? Are they tasty? Are they all covered in nacho cheese?”

“Girls do this,” he said. “Every time I get out the camera, they start making out with each other. I take picture one, they’re friends, picture two, they’re friends, picture three, they’re sucking face. I just stand there, like, ‘I didn’t ask for this! This is all on you two!’”

Kissing girls, to be honest, is trendy. Right now, one of the biggest songs out there is called “I Kissed A Girl.” It’s by Katy Perry, and it’s got all the right props: drinking (”I got so brave, drink in hand”), a Lolita vibe of horny-yet-so-far-untouched experimentation (”It’s not what, I’m used to / Just wanna try you on / I’m curious for you”), and, most depressingly, a boyfriend lurking just out of sight, reassuring us that this girl isn’t really a lesbian (”I kissed a girl just to try it / I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it”). Read More »

Maybe it was Hot Topic’s fault. Or better yet, maybe it was TV’s fault. Either way, something turned a huge part of our heterosexual male population GAY over the last five years or so…and they all turned gay without even being homosexual. It’s a tragedy, really, and these way too femme boys who supposedly still like girls have even made my own love life tragically hellish.

Katy Perry’s hit single “Ur So Gay” couldn’t have come at a better time. Well, wait… I’d actually say it’s a bit overdue. I could have really used it to get myself through my last break up with a boy who told me that he had shaved his arms so that they’d ‘feel nice’ for me…

ANYWAY, It didn’t take me long to become a fan of this girl. Does Madonna love her? Sure she does. Does Myspace love her? Duh. But that’s not why I like her. I like her because she’s openly quirky. She’s intelligent AND fun and YES, that combination certainly does exist in female society and I’m proud to finally be able to add yet another awesome artist to the soundtrack of my life. Read More »

There is a lotta big gay buzz about 22 year-old, Los Angeles, singer-songwriter Katy Perry and her non-pc, albeit fantasitcally brilliant new single ‘Ur So Gay’. The song is a beautiful “kiss-off” to an ex-hipster-BF… you know the type, too cool for school and way self-absorbed… not really gay… but ridiculously f-ing GAY.

With lyrics like “I hope you hang yourself with your H & M scarf, while j*cking off listening to Mozart,” it’s doubtful you will be hearing this track on the public radio waves anytime soon. Luckily for us, ‘Ur So Gay’ is streaming on Katy’s Myspace page. You really owe it to yourself to check it out.