Because my college career will be drawing to a close soon, my mind is winding its way towards that point in my life when I will no longer be a carefree college student. I will be a— what do they call it again? A grown-up?

In that same frame of mind, I’ve been looking at my so-called grown-up friends to see how their lives are different from my own, searching for things that would tell me when I’ve become one of them, or if maybe -gasp- I’m already there. Here is what I came up with.

5 Signs that you are now entering Adultsville:

1. Bills. Gone are the days of blissful ignorance as to how the lights stayed on at home or the hot water kept running. Now those infuriating little statements just keep slipping through the mail slot. Phone bill, gas bill, waterworks, eating away at your paycheck- your new pair of shoes! It was a lot more fun when you had an allowance.

2. Your parents are asking you to drive them places. You thought it was your ticket to freedom when you got your license, huh? Wink, wink. Mom and Dad were just waiting for the day when they wouldn’t have to take you anywhere and you could start chauffeuring them around. Now it’s, “Honey, can you take me to the doctor’s on Monday?” and, “Oh, could you stop by the grocery store after work and pick some things up for me?” Don’t forget doing someone else’s errands: “Your sister’s done with soccer practice at 6.” Some kind of freedom. Read More »

Gone are the days of dainty purses and miniscule wallets. They’re fine for special events, sure, but for everyday use, it looks like women are turning to real bags. Huge bags. The kind of bag into which you fit half your life- and then never find it again. Giant black holes slung on our shoulders sucking in every stray business card, matchbook, and penny that cross their paths.

At one time Big Bags were strictly for use by mommies, to carry Bandaids and nail clippers and tissues and lip balm and the million-and-one other things that kids may require on a daily basis.

Now my own Big Bag is stocked with Bandaids and nail clippers and tissues and lip balm, and I definitely have zero children in tow. The bottom is littered with old receipts, seven pens and gum wrappers. My Metrocards are slipping between the pages of my three notepads and my laptop is a constant companion. There’s even a hardcover copy of The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen somewhere in there. My iPod headphones are tangled up in my cell phone charger. Every credit card I’ve ever owned is jammed into my wallet that contains no cash. Three lipsticks are rolling around stuck inside of the lining.

Sound familiar? Read More »

Sean P: “Mama is too oblivious to see me stealing one of her smoke sticks…”

Have you cracked out the hot dogs yet? The chips? The sparklers that you fully intend to try and burn your friends with? Well, us too. July 4th — even if you do nothing but stare at a grill for three hours or eat coleslaw with your fingers while watching fireworks on TV — is a day that just yells celebration. It’s summer. It’s a long weekend. Watermelon is in abundance…what isn’t there to love?

Well, apparently, one of your editors has found something not to love. The very thing many of us equate with the 4th…

Read More »

I have this distinct memory of being 6 years old and covertly trying to chew the hair of my Strawberry Shortcake doll. She smelled like chemically enhanced cupcakes, and I wanted to know if she tasted that way too.

She didn’t.

Even though she was devoid of sugary hair, I loved my Strawberry Shortcake, as well as the Saturday morning cartoon she starred in. All of her friends were named after cakes and pies, and that was awesome. Plus, all they ate seemed to be cake and pies. And S. Shortcake was covered in sparkles. Sparkles and cake. What else could a girl ask for?

Apparently, these days, girls ask for a lot more. According to the New York Times, toy companies are trying to update old 80’s brands for today’s kids who are way more media savvy than we ever were. Strawberry Shortcake no longer spends her days talking to her animals and making muffins. Now she has a cell phone. Oh, and all that cake and pie talk? Outlawed.

“…In keeping with contemporary nutritional concerns, the franchise will downplay the sugary dessert theme and move…“fruit-forward.”” Read More »

After weeks of pouring over lecture notes and banging out papers, school is (more or less) out for summer, and, holy crap, you’ve got some free time on your hands.

You could spend it wisely by volunteering for Habitat for Humanity or fully exploring James Joyce’s literary canon or doing some other douchey bullsh*t that people who fancy themselves to be exceptional individuals would do, OR, you could kick off summer properly by cracking a beer and watching Lyndsey’s Top 5 Movies That Capture The Spirit Of Summer. As my name is in the title of the list, I think we all know what I’ll be doing.

Pass the PBR, bitch.

Dazed and Confused
Dazed and Confused is every great summer of my life, captured on film. Set in the 1970s on the last day of school at Robert E. Lee High, freshman, seniors, jocks, and nerds alike breeze through the day, interacting with each other and hanging out in a way that only people who have experienced summer in a small town can appreciate.

Funny and honest, insightful and hopeful, this endearingly life-affirming movie perfectly captures the vibe of summer vacation, and culminates in a dusk-till-dawn party that makes you never want to age past 22. Read More »

While catching up on my celeb blogs this week, I discovered that among a smattering of other celebrities, the Jonas Brothers have confided in US Weekly–which is exactly where I’d go if I wanted to bare my soul–that they’re all still carrying their V-cards around in their velcro wallets. And they’re keeping it that way til marriage.

US Weekly said on February 22:

“The popular band of brothers wear purity rings as “promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure till marriage,” Joe, 18, tells Details magazine in their March issue.”

Twenty dollars says at least ten teenybopper girls heard about this and demanded a Tiff’s ring from Daddy on the spot. And what father wouldn’t oblige to keep his little girl pure til marriage?

Mine might not, depending on how expensive my taste was.

Sex is such a debacle for single stars, isn’t it? Especially when they’re obligated to spill to the tabloids. Damned if you do (to hell?), damned if you don’t (by society?). I honestly couldn’t handle the pressure of being a teen pop sensation. Whose morals do you follow, your own, or the ones created for you by the people who happen to sign your paycheck? Read More »

Don’t act like you don’t watch. You are just as guilty as I am and that’s why you’re reading this. That or you really pity my television for constantly being forced to tune into such a brain cell killing show.

You know how the first two seasons of Flavor of Love went down. Hoopz never wanted to be with Flav, never called him after the finale was shot. Delishis has gone on to sell jeans, record an album and she’s married to some dude now.

Flav opens the first episode blaming Delishis for needing a season three and a last VH1 chance at “finding love” when the truth is that Flav wanted a third season. Enjoy this one, y’all; Flav “ain’t doing this again” because VH1 is NOT funding another Flav show once this one wraps.

Let’s get started.

Twenty girls stand outside of the mansion as what appears to be a Presidential Motorcade approaches. Looks like VH1 has stepped up the budget to send Flav out with a bang. So what is the “President of Love” looking for in a woman? In his hope that this season has brought him a different bunch of women, Flav reveals that respect is the key to his heart. Respect for his kids, his crib and for him.

And then we see the free-for-all of screams, bed jumping, and elephant riding (you have to see it to get it) once the contestants enter the house. Oh, God, just name this trashy bunch already and get to it. Read More »

When lawyers are afraid of you, you know there’s a problem.

As of Wednesday, Britney Spears’s custody battle just got a little more unbelievable. Her lawyers, the law firm Trope and Trope, asked to be “relieved” as her attorneys, explaining that communicating with the spiraling celebrity is “impossible.”

I mean, what is the girl doing?

How far gone do you have to be to ignore high-powered lawyers who’s only job is to help you? It’s like she’s totally forgotten about the two kids she squeezed out of her vajayjay only a few years ago, and instead believes her days should be spent driving around aimlessly and sleeping with nasty, nasty paparazzi (who are most likely getting ready to sell their story to the first magazine that jumps).

Even though there’s an election coming up, there’s global warming to think about, and things overseas aren’t looking that good, I think America needs to band together to get B. Spears off the streets and into rehab. This is something we can all connect to; all ages and races and economic standing, no matter who you are, you know this chick ain’t right in the head. Read More »

How do you know when the world has gone too PC?When someone puts Santa on a diet.

In a shopping center near Dartford, England, Mall Santas are being put through a “month long boot camp” to help them lose weight before the Holiday season bombards their laps with little kids.

“There’s nothing wrong with Santa being the size that he is,” explains property manager Tim Holland, “we just want him to have a modern day makeover to reflect the realistic demands of being the world’s most renowned delivery man.”

Throughout November, shoppers have been able to watch 12 commissioned Santas put through the wringer by a personal trainer. While this Santa slim-down screams marketing ploy! to me, a spokeswoman from the British Heart Foundation claims “Creating a 21st Century Santa is an innovative idea encouraging children and adults to get into better shape.” Read More »