Eating whilst drunk is, in general, about as smart as sexing up strangers whilst drunk or calling ex-boyfriends whilst drunk, which is to say not very smart at all.

All the same, when I’ve consumed large amounts of alcohol, I’m going to go across the street and get chicken tenders from Whataburger. It’s just something that is inevitably going to happen, like Christmas every year, like my period every month (knock on wood), like my g*ddamn alarm clock going off every morning.

Because there is no single more satisfying aspect of the drinking experience than eating a lukewarm chicken tender at 2:30 in the morning. The nuanced interplay between the textures of chicken and breading somehow melds perfectly with the taste of Guinness that still lingers in my mouth.

That isn’t to say, of course, that other cravings don’t arise in my drunken state. Here are some other drunk food favs:

Potato Chips - Usually Sour Cream and Onion, which causes a serious breath issue in the morning (Onion + Alcohol=another reason to vomit). At the time, though, (like so many other things) it really seems like a great idea. Potato chips are usually pretty filling, you usually already have some at your house so you don’t have to drive around to find an open store to buy them (unless you live in a legitimate city and can simply walk outside for food) and they are fairly portable. By this I mean, you can’t very well bring your Chalupa into bed with you as you pass out. Or at least you really shouldn’t. I’ve passed out with my hand in a bag of chips before. Some would call that a cry for help, I would have called it being prepared. Read More »

I Love pizza. With a capital “L”.

There is nothing better than a crispy crust smothered in hot, gooey cheese. Add some grilled onions and mushrooms and I am dunzo.

The only thing better than a slice of pizza, actually, is an entire pie a slice of pizza after a night of drinking.

Yes, like unattractive guys and all songs written and produced in the 80’s, my love for pizza grows immensely when alcohol is involved.

It is like I am one of Pavlov’s dogs; the minute I taste beer, I start drooling for a slice of pie.

My cravings only grow more severe as the night progresses. With every downed shot I imagine my date with my precious pizza pie. So, when the opportunity finally presents itself, I go to town without any thought given to potential collateral damage.

Like my tongue, for instance.
Or the roof of my mouth.

What? Like you could wait the 20 minutes it takes to get home, the 10 minutes it takes to decide what delectable toppings/debate the need for a side of cheesy breadsticks, and the 35 minutes to actually get the pizza and NOT dive right in the minute it arrives? Read More »

Maybe it’s that time of the month, and you don’t really care if it’s 2 in the morning—you just really want a freaking cookie. Now.

Maybe you’ve had a little puff of some wacky tabacky and you’re feeling pretty hungry. And even more lazy.

Used to be that these were major problems. Unless you live in a major city—ex that—unless you live in New York, there’s not a chance you’re getting that cookie at such an ungodly hour. In my Connecticut town, the police pull people over who are out after 10 PM. It rocks where I live…

For a select few cities, late night munchies are no longer a problem. Well, if you want cookies that is. Some brilliant students from UPenn have brought us Insomnia Cookies—a delivery service that will bring freshly baked, warm cookies right to your doorstep between the hours of 8PM and 2:30 AM.

Students from University of Syracuse, University of Michigan, Illinois, UMD, UPenn, Penn State, and of course, NYU can indulge in chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, sugar cookies, a cake sized cookie, a cookie with three different flavors… the possibilities are endless. They’ll even bring you milk to dunk everything in. Yuuuuuummy. Read More »

Thanksgiving is a-comin’, ladies! Time for some turkey, stuffing (my absolute favorite treat on earth) and reuniting with all your old home friends. Oh, and hopefully a major shopping spree with mom. Is there any other reason to come home?

For those of you lucky ladies who are finally 21 (or those of you with a really good fake), Thanksgiving also means taking part in the biggest bar night of the year! I remember my first Wednesday-Before-Thanksgiving bar experience…at least until I blacked out due to the extreme levels of awkwardness and puked in my parents’ house.

Try explaining that one to dad when he finds you passed out next to the toilet the following morning.

Anyways, being that it is the biggest bar night of the year, there are so many things to know! And, being that I have been doing it for a little while now, I feel I am the perfect person to enlighten you on what to expect and how to deal.

What to Expect: Running into people you never liked and still don’t like.
How to Deal: I tend to hightail it to the bar, but if you don’t want to end up looking up at your dad from the tile floor the next morning, perhaps playing nice is a good idea. You know; pretend to care what they have to say, tell them how good they look and politely bow out when you (pretend to) see a friend across the room.

What to Expect: Saying the same things over (and over and over) again.
How to Deal: I recommend printing a t-shirt that includes the following information: what school you go to, what (if any) sorority you are in, and an acknowledgment to the fact that you gained/lost weight. When you realize that these are the topics discussed all freaking night long you will thank me. Read More »