I know what will be on my Hanukkah List this year: a few private sessions with Whitney, Lauren and Audrina’s trainer. Not that I find him attractive – I usually don’t go for beefy dudes in tight t-shirts who like to “cheers!” to everything.

No, I want to train with a guy who makes people go for a walk, do five jumping jacks, punch a little bit in the air, grab a few cocktails and end up looking like Whitney. Could her legs be more ridiculous?

Seriously, I don’t think this dude is a real trainer. I think he hangs out at the gym pretending to be one in order to lure hot girls into his giant beefy arms. And, clearly, it worked! He snagged one of L.A.’s hottest and managed to get a deal training some hot new music stars. Perhaps they - like me - saw Whitney and fell for his training charade.

I can also tell you what I don’t want for Hanukkah this year. And that is Spencer Pratt. First of all, that blonde haired/blue eyed freak could never pass for a Jew (and my papa wouldn’t approve). But second, and most important, Spencer makes me ill.

Not like “annoyed” ill. More like “I hate and judge a lot of people but you totally take the cake to the point that you make me lose my appetite for cake. Which is one of my favorite things” ill. Read More »

I can’t lie; I was out on the town with a hot new guy and almost missed last night’s episode of The Hills.

Ok. You caught me. I was actually at my friend’s house playing Guitar Hero 3. Don’t make fun; that game is so awesomely addicting. Unfortunately, it also causes serious hand cramping and my hand is sorta stuck in this claw-like formation at the moment.

Regardless of what I was doing, though, I almost missed the biggest episode of The Hills all season! Thank God the Pat Benetar song ended just in time for me to hop in the car, drive home and tune into the d-rama.

I did miss the first 5 minutes of the episode, but thanks to those guys over at MTV it wasn’t too hard to pick up on what was going on. Which mainly involved an awkward interaction between Lauren and Heidi (and Whitney and Heidi’s friend who were forced to sit there and watch the entire thing) that eventually led to an even more uncomfortable meeting at Lauren’s place.

Now, watching the IM interaction between Heidi and Lauren really bothered me. Not because of what was being written, but because it just further made me question the reality of this entire series. The camera angles, the fact that Heidi became to insistent about talking to Lauren, etc. just seemed to perfect. But, I will put my thoughts aside for a minute to indulge in the Heidi/Lauren Extravaganza! Read More »

Considering that every episode of The Hills includes Heidi drinking at some Hollywood hot-spot, it came as quite a surprise to me to find out she wasn’t yet 21. But, alas, last night was the big two-one for Ms. Montag. And what did she do to celebrate the big event? Why, spend the evening with the one and only person in California that is still speaking to her: Spencer.

I can’t imagine a worse way to spend my birthday – besides the ridiculously sexy Chanel bag, of course – than dining with Spencer Pratt while he plays with his iPhone in a hideous dress that makes me resemble the left-overs of the entire meal my anorexic body couldn’t handle. But who am I to judge? To each their own.

It is not like Heidi had a choice; even if she were still friends with Lauren (or anyone, for that matter) she would not have been able to celebrate with Heidi because everyone who was anyone was at the Young Hollywood party. Which, by the way, LC and Whitney rocked. Way to handle a large group of obscure young “celebrities” and Hilary Duff, ladies! Read More »

I hate Heidi. Everything about her from her fake face/boobs to her super shiny and bouncy blonde hair. Oh, and her giant teeth.

Yet even I, president of the I Hate Heidi and Fake Face/Boobs and Super Shiny and Bouncy Blonde Hair and Big Teeth club feel drawn to her this week. There is something about the sheer douchiness of Spencer that makes Heidi look, well, good.

Last night’s episode of The Hills made Heidi look like an actual responsible and semi-intelligent adult. For the first time in our long and tumultuous history, Heidi actually seemed to be taking her job seriously.

No more “I wanna get paid for doing nothing.” The Future Mrs. Pratt is actually putting her personal life on hold for the sake of her serious new position. And I can’t help but respect that. I also can’t help but notice that she is working longer hours than me. And that makes me feel like less of a person.

What happened to old Heidi? You know, skip out on work to get lunch Heidi. Or drop out of fashion school after one day Heidi. I know one person who misses her: Whiny, Bitchy Spencer. (Sidenote: I kinda miss her too. She is so much more fun when you can really hate her.) Read More »

After running home to watch The Hills last week and finding it was a rerun, I had a personal moment of silence to mark the end of yet another amazing season.

I also had a little internal hissy fit at MTV for leaving me hanging with the Brody and LC dramatic kiss.

So, imagine my excitement when I get home from hanging out with some peeps this evening, flip through the stations and find an all new episode of The Hills starting right at that moment! Someone was definitely watching over me and I will be thanking him/her the next time I am near a synagogue.

Tonight’s episode was full of a bunch of random tid bits, but it all boils down to one thing for me: who do we trust?

Who is telling the truth about the LC sex tape/giant labia situation? There are so many players in this one that I decided to break it down so together we could try and blow this mystery wiiiiide open.

Jen Bunny: After months of not talking (probably due to Jen Bunny’s plastic surgery recovery time), JB texts Lauren and wants to grab lunch. Upon sitting down and ordering their bowls of lettuce with a side of lemon juice, Jen Bunny comes right down to it and tells Lauren that Brody spread the rumors. Then says that she doesn’t want to get involved. Iiiinteresting. Read More »

Last night was difficult for me. Not only did I have to work late, do my laundry and pay some bills (ew!), but I had to figure out a way to watch The Hills while also watching a friend from college compete on The Bachelor! So much drama, so little time.

Well, in the end The Hills won out (though I did manage to see my old friend fold herself into a pretzel to woo the bachelor…what!?) and it was one jam packed episode! Who knew so many things could go down in 23 minutes?!

I don’t even know where to begin.

Perhaps we could discuss the Whitney work debacle where she was so hungover from partying with the band that she couldn’t seem to convince one of the guys to change his pants.

Or Heidi and Spencer’s wedding woes; she spends her days shopping for dresses, registering for uber expensive things she’s never going to need (because they are always eating at that crappy Mexican place) and picking out the perfect wedding location.

Spencer spends his days not telling his parents he gave his anorexic girlfriend a fake engagement ring and pretending the whole engagement never really happened. Read More »

Sorry for the tardiness of my post. I would like to say that I was out doing something fabulous Monday night that kept me away from both MTV and my computer, but I can’t lie.

In all reality, 3 days of drinking and 3 days of tanning really wreaked havoc on my body and left me completely passed out in my bed at 9PM last night.

Thankfully, I have DVR.

Which is amazing because, otherwise, I would have missed out on some really big things happening with our friends on The Hills.

Like the new beard Spencer is sporting, causing him to look like some new species of preppy mountain man. I really didn’t know anyone could grow facial hair that fluffy and scary looking.

Perhaps it is a cover for his homosexual feelings for Brody? I mean, after all, he was acting like a total bitch during the big break up convo. Which, by the way, reminded me of high school math.

If A = B and B= C, then A = C, right?

Well, in Spencer’s world it goes a little something like this: Read More »

Okay, Justin-Bobby, if that is even your real name, let’s talk. You don’t like me because I don’t like you. But, I can’t help it; when you wear swim shorts and a pair of army boots, what choice do I have?

When you ignore the obvious plight of your hair, what do you expect me to do? Sit back and let you believe girls like those greasy locks?

Maybe I could have let it go if you weren’t such an asshole. Maybe if you didn’t just say all those nice-ish (in your own special way) things to Audrina and then leave her at the party.

No goodbye. No explanation. Just a helmet. On a couch.

Fuck you.

But enough about you. There are much bigger things to discuss this week.

Namely: Spencer’s visit to Colorado and Brody’s Beach Partayy.

Visiting Mount Butt: Am I alone in this? Did everyone but me know that Heidi comes from a farm? Like a real farm! Not just a small town; there were ANIMALS at her house. How could a family that raises horses produce that bleached blonde, fake boobed bimbo? I just don’t understand it. Read More »