It’s hot, you’re broke and you’ve run out of creative ideas for fun time with your special someone. Well have no fear ladies and gents. A summer picnic is a cheap and special way to show your hunny you were thinking about them. Here are some ideas for food and other special items to bring that won’t break the bank, but keep you entertained in the sweltering weather.

Grab a checked table cloth or blanket to sit on and save your tush from the summer bugs!

Keep cool. Bring water bottle spray fans if it’s a very hot day out. They keep you cool, refreshed and will even help work on your summer glow!

Hydrate. If you don’t want liquor (although beer and/or wine coolers are a great way to quench your thirst!), here are some drink recipes: Read More »

Let it be known that day three of the Master Cleanse really, really blows.

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I would be so out of it that I wouldn’t fully realize what I was doing. And it worked. At least, a third of the way through it, it worked.

After that I was left to choke down the rest, and though it proved to be more effective than yesterday, I came to the conclusion that a belly full of salt water is no way to kick things off. Tomorrow I’ll be entrusting my a.m. colon purge to Chocolate Smooth Moves; because I’m already struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning without that staring me in the face. Read More »

So a big part of the Master Cleanse is expelling the toxins you loosen while doing it, otherwise known as pooping. So last night before bed, as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, I tossed back a cup of herbal laxative tea (hilariously named Chocolate Smooth Moves, no joke) and went to sleep. Then this morning I woke up and, also as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, fashioned myself an “oral enema” - a quart of water with 2 teaspoons of uniodized sea salt dissolved in it - and chugged it. That’s right, while my roommate sat muching her bowl of Kashi Cinnamon Biscuits, I had 4 frickin’ cups of salt water for breakfast.

Immediately after guzzling the truly foul concoction, I supposedly had an hour in which I would be pooping my brains out. As I had developed a stomach ache and was kind of hating life, I opted to spend this hour taking a nap, during which I had a dream that I was eating a Subway Veggie Sub, only to realize halfway through that I was supposed to be Master Cleansing and got really pissed at myself. I woke up starving and made myself a lemonade, then promptly fell back asleep. I woke up at 12:15 in the afternoon without having pooped at all, nor having any need to.

Well, at least I drank all that salt water. Read More »

Even though these last couple of days were actually cold (what the hell, nature? Get your sh*t together!), the warm weather is indeed here. And whenever warm weather descends upon my pale, winter-stricken body, I immediately feel like making lemonade.

Why? I’m not sure. Could be because lemonade is synonomous with skipping around barefoot and not caring about anything except avoiding dog poop on the lawn. Could be because I’m obsessed with sweet and sour things. Could be because running a lemonade stand as a kid was the first time I realized the sweet, green beauty of money. Whatever the case, lemonade rocks my world.

Here’s how to make your own version of this fresh, delicious summer drink!

INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup boiling water
2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
1 1/2 cups fresh lemon juice
5 cups cold water

Garnish: lemon slices, maraschino cherries

PREPARATION: Read More »