Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?
Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?
No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass. Read More »

St. Patrick’s Day, March 17th, MISSION AT HAND: Find. green. beer.

Oh? Is that just me?? No, it isn’t. I’m on a mission for two things: green beer and a leprechaun.

I’ve already found the pot of gold, and I’m spending last year’s treasure on this year’s beer, so I’ll leave some wealth for you all…::hint hint::…it has something to do with a rainbow (a slightly watery, chunky rainbow)…

Though green beer is delicious, in every way, it is not so delicious if there’s nothing to soak it up and then ends as green bile regurgitated on your friends shoes, if you know what I mean.

And who doesn’t enjoy an excuse to eat potatoes, or hearty stew?

Being that I am someone who has been vomited on, I would like to make sure that doesn’t happen to ANYONE, EVER. AGAIN. Please kids, eat a substantial meal before drinking green beer and green eggs and ham all day, I’d really appreciate it.

I will even assist you with some ridiculously good recipes. Deal???

You eat, my babies. No vomiting. Don’t drink and drive. And if you aren’t wearing green, I will pinch the sh*t out of you. Capiche?! Read More »