Three days ago, I returned from the first ever Rothbury Festival in Rothbury, Michigan – a 5-day musical event featuring an eclectic range of music, from Dave Matthews to Disco Biscuits to Snoop Dogg. I’m exhausted, my feet are calloused & my cheeks are sunburnt (& freckly!), and maybe it was just all the booze, greenery & glow sticks, but my little spirit is renewed.

After spending a night chillaxin’ in Sherwood Forrest, letting my fatigued body sink into a colorful hammock for two and talk for hours with one of my new best friends over cocktails in combustible corn cups, I knew it was time for a change. A huge, life-changing, effortful change. Something about spending the weekend surrounded by happy, empowering, inspirational people (albeit a little dirty & drugged-up) was a huge, magical, sparkly slap in the face that it’s time for me to conquer, one-by-one, all the things I want to in life.

So, without further adieu, here is my list of sweet stuff I wanna learn.

1. How to give a kick-a** massage. I am OBSESSED with massages. I try to con all my boyfriends, friends, (even boy friends!) to give me little shoulder, back or foot massages (perfect after a long day at work…or shopping). However, I am just as inclined to return the favor because I know how ridiculously nice (and/or orgasm-inducing) a massage can be.

2. How to make sweet jewelry. I used to be the baddest b*tch on the block because I could make friendship bracelets with any color of the rainbow out of any type of string. Unfortunately, I haven’t practiced my art for about, oh, 10 years & I think it’s time for me to get back in the game. But, I sure will have a lot of catching up to do. Read More »

A common complaint about the Ivy League gang is that we lead very sheltered lives. People on the outside imagine our lives to be one long champagne-soaked yacht ride, a life where all of our wants and needs are taken care of and mummy and daddy’s charge card is always on hand.

In reality, though, more than half of Princeton’s student body is on financial aid, and a very large percentage of that is on nearly 100% financial aid. In addition to that, students spend a lot of time in the summer traveling to developing countries, doing community service in struggling neighborhoods, and generally getting their hands dirty. And yet, the myth persists…and for good reason.

There are a lot of different ways people can be “sheltered.” Ivy Leaguers may not all be rolling in wealth, but they still have an embarrassing lack of practical knowledge across the board. Because most of us spent our young lives with our noses stuck in books or playing some sport obsessively, we don’t really know how to, well, get along in the real world. Read More »

It’s the start of a new week and already I feel haggard and exhausted. My moods are swinging like a particularly feisty pendulum and my breasts ache. It can only mean one thing: my good friend PMS is on the horizon.

The beginnings of some minor stomach cramps, an increased feeling of self-consciousness and a patience threshold shorter than my small toe surface like clockwork once a month, warning me of impending pain and the cycle of womanhood.

Thankfully I am not alone, basking in the dull glory of 90% of menstruating women who currently experience some form of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. There are at least a hundred symptoms, though women experience a mix of just a few. The most common include irritability, loss of confidence, poor concentration, crying for no particular reason and the infamous mood swings, as feared by boyfriends and spouses the world over.

I myself am prone to similar experiences as mentioned above, along with an unpleasant notion of feeling like a beached whale and wishing my bedroom were the sea and my bed the sand, so I could waddle on my belly to bask in comfort and perhaps make a few guessed interpretations of what I would consider to be whale groans. Read More »

Q. Dear Tuffy Luv,

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m at a great school pursuing my dream career, I live in a great apartment with a roommate I adore, and, yeah, I don’t have a lot of money because I’m a student, but really, I’m doing okay.

But I’ve been in a series of bad relationships and I just got dumped (again) a couple of weeks ago by a guy I was just casually dating. Ever since, I’ve been so depressed that it’s really hard to just get through the day. I know it’s not worth it to get so upset over a guy, but I can’t shake this depression. What should I do?

-Retardedly Sad

A. Dear Retardedly Sad,

First of all, I’m really sorry about the guy. It always sucks to get dumped, no matter how it went down. So, get thee to a Coldstone Creamery and ice cream thy pain away.

But it’s also important to try to see the situation objectively (well, I mean, as objectively as you can) and try to pinpoint exactly what it is you’re really upset about. Read More »

I have a tendency to speak my mind. Especially when my opinion is not particularly welcome.

I don’t think it is my fault; my mother is a very judgmental woman and if she thinks something, then everyone else should agree. Unfortunately, she passed that lovely trait onto me (along with big thighs, ugly toes and an obsession with a clean house).

I have tried to fix it.

For the past year I have made a conscious effort to be less judgmental and to let people make their own decisions.

The only problem I seem to have these days, though, is the inability to find the (oh so fine) line between being overly judgmental and being a good friend. I constantly find myself wondering where one ends and the other begins.

So, when my friend told me she met up with her ex who treated her like a piece of shit I didn’t know how to react.

On the one hand, I wanted to scream and tell her that he is not good for her; that he is only going to hurt her again. I wanted to make it cleat that even talking to him can lead to big, bad ugliness.

On the other hand, I wanted to let her make her own decisions. Let her see if he changed. Let her see if they would even be going down that road again. Then, if things end up as I predict they will, be there to bring her pretzels and frosting and make her smile.

I don’t know what to do. Is telling her how I feel – reminding her of her months of pain – the way to be a good friend? Read More »

I was out at the bar last night (on a weeknight, I know! Who do I think I am?! A college student?!) and ran into a friend of my ex.

We started talking and as we sat down together at a table in the corner, she looked at me in all seriousness and asked, “So, are you ok?”

I thought maybe she heard about my massive PMS cramps or the fact that my recent mild-obsession with running had left me with some serious blisters on the bottom of my feet.

After all, the boy and I broke up months ago and – as anyone who knows the truth knows – I ended things with him; the thought that this is what she was referring to never crossed my mind.

“Yeah, I mean, the blisters make it a bitch to walk in these heels, but this Amstel Light is totally numbing the pain.”

Her uncomfortable giggle made me realize that my feet were not the focus of her sympathy. She mentioned something about the boy and how it had to sorta suck when he dumped me. And something about how I must be sad about it because I can’t seem to stop calling him, no matter how many times he ignores me and never calls me back.

Insert the sound of tires coming to a screeching halt.
WHAT?! Read More »

It is pretty much mid-August already, and for you lucky bastards heading back to school in the fall, it is time for the back-to-school insanity: Back-to-school sales. Back-to-school packing. Back-to-school planning. Back-to-school countdowns.

For me, however - a newly anointed adult – mid August means nothing more than insanely hot days where I don’t want to leave the house because I am so depressed that I am not going back to school in two weeks. No welcome week to look forward to. No reuniting with friends after 3 months apart. No dollar pitchers on a Wednesday night.

Nope, just another fucking day to get up at 5:30, go to the gym and head into my office where I have no windows and no contact to the outside world only to return home to my (fabulous) apartment and do even more work before going to bed and starting it all again. Hell, if it weren’t for the JC Penny back-to-school ads that show up in movie theaters, I wouldn’t even know it was mid-August to begin with!

Without a school year to look forward to, days blend into weeks, which blend into months and before I knew it, the summer is gone and I still look like (a well-dressed) Casper the Ghost. Read More »

One of the most annoying things about college is moving every year. Not only do you finally get comfortable in your new pad only to have to pick up and move to another one, but you also realize how much crap you have. And if you are like me you get annoyed with all the packing and throw a lot of your stuff away.

Which makes for quite an expensive pile of trash. Add that to all your neighbors doing the same thing and you have yourself a nice little collection of goodies; a lot of it still in very good shape. Good enough, some argue, to take for themselves.

Who are those people? Well, the Freegans, of course. I was first introduced to Freegan culture while reading an article in the New York Times the other day. “Freegans are scavengers of the developed world, living off consumer waste in an effort to minimize their support of corporations and their impact on the planet, and to distance themselves from what they see as out-of-control consumerism.” Read More »

Graduation is over. Your itchy and unflattering cap and gown are hung nicely in the back of your closet. You and your best friends huddle around your digital camera on the living room couch for the last time and look at pictures from graduation. You laugh and you cry (unless you are a guy, in which case you punch each other) as you reflect on all your great times together.

It is hard to imagine living without these awesome people.

But, you just might have to.

Everyone is now going in different directions and will soon be spread across the country starting their post college lives. Everyone will have new jobs, new friends and new people to take absurd selfies with (though this time during happy hour instead of at your house party). Sure, there is AIM, Facebook and free nights and weekends on your cell phone, but who is to say that these people won’t dump you the minute they hit the real world? Read More »

Everyone knows that sex without a condom is better than with that thin latex lining. According to guys it “feels amazing” and is “probably the best thing on earth.” But we also know that no matter how good it is (better than fat free cheese cake for sure), it isn’t good enough to risk getting pregnant and spending our days playing peek-a-boo instead of beer pong.

Enter the birth control pill.

Seems like the perfect fix. 99.9% effective (when taken correctly, ladies) and no annoying de-sensitizing barrier to get in the way of some good old fashioned sex. It is probably the best thing to be invented since the wheel (though I would argue the Oh-My-Bod is totally up there), so it always comes as a huge surprise to people when I say that I really truly hate taking the pill.

“WHAT? WHY? HOW??!” you ask. Here are my top 10 reasons: Read More »