The Long Distance Relationship.

It sucks, but I keep telling myself that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with this guy for eight years. Yes, we first started dating when I was about ten. That’s a very long time, and we’ve been through a lot, including six month periods of not talking at all. Times where I was depressed and mopey and times where I was rebellious and happy.

He’s my best friend, my love, and the one I’m pretty confident I will be with for the rest of my life. Well, we got back together, again, and now my boyfriend has moved across the country. Yet another hurdle to overcome.

Instead of getting angry or upset, I decided to look at the situation in a positive light. I could go visit for a few weeks, and he would be home for holidays. It can’t be that bad. In fact, I just returned home from a two and a half week visit with him, and it was the most amazing trip I’ve ever had. That vacation definitely solidified everything I’ve felt about him for so long. Yes, LDRs are difficult, but they can be done. If you are willing to work through it like we are, it will be worth it in the end.

But it will be work, so here a few things to keep in mind when you and your man go long distance: Read More »

Like I said, I’ve been in a relationship with my guy for over four and a quarter years. And it’s awesome.

As an example, allow me to share with you an anecdote of undeniable cute proportions:
(BACKGROUND: I’m Jewish, he’s Asian-American, we’re both tattooless.)
We were on a double date with my friend and his coworker, who we’d set up. They both have a lot of tattoos, and my friend said to my boyfriend, “Do you have any tattoos?” He put his arm around me and said, “Oh, we don’t have tattoos–we’re Jewish.”

The point is, we are a team. We are not attached at the hip, but we do a lot of things together. So it only stands to reason that, after years and years of dating, Friday nights often end up as dinner and renting a movie. After all, it’s impossible to plan over 4 years worth of consistently creative dates. And we’re not big drinkers and we’re not drug users, so that eliminates blitzing the night away. And, frankly, we’re getting older (he’s 26, I’ll be 24 in a month)–we can’t keep acting like indie film loving hipster kids forever.

So here, for your benefit (and mine–seriously), I’ve compiled a list of date ideas for the not-so-new couple that still really digs each other. May you put them to good use. Read More »

When one of my friends gets a new boyfriend, I either hear an “Oh, we’re going to be together forever” speech or an “I don’t think I like him that much, we’ll probably break up soon” comment. I’ve always thought of myself as falling in the middle of these two categories, but an argument with my boyfriend made me think of how long I thought we could really go.

Even though it’s still the summer, my best friends and I have started talk of what to do for spring break. We were thinking of more people to invite and I brought the request up to my current boyfriend.

“If we’re still together by March, would you want to come to Mexico with us?” I asked.

“What do you mean ‘if’?” he replied. “Are you saying you think we’ll break up in the next few months?”

This exchange of words was followed by a rather long argument in which he thought I was being mean and I thought he was being unreasonable. I mean, if you’ve only been going out for 5 months, how far in advance should you really plan? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve planned parts of relationships before but they’ve never quite turned out the way I wanted. Read More »

Long relationships. While wonderful, they can often fall into habitual, routine types of lifestyles that – while comforting – can be dull and lackluster of any excitement or romance. Having been in long relationships myself, topping out at four years as my longest, I have a few suggestions (from my own personal experiences and the experiences of others) on how to keep that flame burning bright even in oldest, most exhausted – but still loving – relationship.

Set aside one day or evening for a special date night, just the two of you. With the hustle and bustle of work, school, friends, going out, parties and the rest of what life entails, it is easy to get swept up with all your other life obligations that cause you to forget that you need to spend quality time together. A movie, a nice dinner, a good conversation, a playful bedtime activity – just something that reconnects the two of you privately.

Put yourself before him. In an article I read in Women’s Day, it was suggested (and I can second that, as most of you can, I’m sure) that women tend to place other people before them. Dr. Fulbright says, “the more a woman looks after her health and welfare, the better she will feel and the more she’ll be in the mood for sex.” Who knew that caring for you more, and him less, would create a stronger sexual bond behind closed doors? Knowing that, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you taking a little “me” time. Read More »

Once upon a time, I was in a long-term relationship (read: I suffered six years of awkward sex, needless fights and raging jealousy). Granted, I was in high school for the first four years and was a measly freshman/sophomore in college for the last two. However, I still thought I had found the one: the peanut butter to my jelly, the cheese to my macaroni, or the avocado to my guacamole, if you will. (Can you tell I’m hungry as I write this?)

But when the relationship ended, I was a mere 19 – and after all the b.s., I was left with little to nothing to show for the years of my youth I wasted lusting after one male who couldn’t satisfy me sexually or emotionally. And although he profusely expressed his undying love for me – not once did the boy suggest that we had a possible future together. Not once. In six effing years.

It’s no surprise that my little snuggle bunny didn’t talk about marriages or baby carriages. Hell, he was only 21 when we broke up! But it’s not just the youngin’s involved in long-term romances who avoid the dreaded “M” word. The avoidance of marriage spans generations of men, all who are scared sh*tless by the thought of spending the rest of their lives legally bound to the wrong woman.

According to a recent study conducted by lifelong bachelor Carl Weisman as research for his new book titled, “So Why Have You Never Been Married? - Ten Insights into Why He Hasn’t Wed,” men aren’t actually afraid of marriage, per se. The real fear? Marrying the wrong woman. Read More »

My birthday was a few days ago and, as with any birthday, it brought with it a need for self reflection (I hesitate to use the words “existential crisis”, but, if you insist.) It occurred to me that I’m an adult now, really and truly, and as such I’ve been dating for a long time. I have learned something from all those years of failed, miserable relationships. And I am going to impart those things to you, things that I’m sure many of you know and have learned the hard way. Some of these things are rather obvious now, but I sure wish I would have known them when I started dating.

10. Long term relationships make you fat. Birth Control + Getting too comfortable = Letting yourself go.

9. The amount of effort you have to put into a relationship is directly proportional to the chances of said relationship failing. Don’t get me wrong, every single relationship takes effort and compromise and there has never been an easy relationship in the history of the universe. What I’m saying is, if you are trying really, really hard to make the relationship work, that probably means that there is enough wrong with said relationship to warrant a breakup. It also probably means that your significant other is not trying as hard as you are and is, therefore, less invested in you. And you should breakup sooner rather than later. (see #3)

8. If a guy doesn’t want to ever go down on you, he’s a scumbag. Dump him immediately. Read More »

I don’t remember losing my virginity. This isn’t a tragic story, I just got drunk and lost it somewhere, to some guy (thankfully I had the presence of mind to tell him to wear a condom.) I don’t mourn my lost hymen or cry about how I wish my first time had been more special, or at least more memorable. Or memorable at all. I honestly don’t even think about it that much.

I know that this mindset is unusual, but I don’t think it should be, necessarily. It just means that historically, sex hasn’t been an especially huge deal for me. Sure, I enjoy it as much as the next girl, maybe even more so, but I just don’t want to give it that much power in my life. I much prefer to worry about things like love or general affection in my relationship with men.

I’m a one man woman now, but before I got in to this long term relationship, I had cracked double digits. Most were one night stands with guys who were generally decent and thoughtful in the sack but I didn’t expect much from them outside the bedroom and the feeling was mutual. I don’t know if this means that I’m a modern woman in my opinions about sex, but I prefer that classification more than “whore“, or “slut“ (“Harlot” and “Hussy” I’m okay with, because they are fun to say and don’t have quite the venom that the first two words do). Read More »

Dear Tuffy,
Okay so I have a dilemma and I have been offered a LOT of advice on it but none of it seems to be the right fit for me. Maybe you can offer some third party advice that is more direct.

There is a boy I currently like. Problems:
1) He just got out of a long term relationship. - Attempting to make a move now would just be pointless as he probably isn’t looking to jump into another relationship.
2) He lives in my dorm. - Dormcest: Yay or Nay
3) We are good friends. - I fear I am in the friendzone.
4) I am lazy/shy. - I want him to make the first move but I think if I wait to long he might find someone else.

Any advice you can offer would be great.
-Help

Dear Help,

I am so glad you asked about this because this is a question near and dear to my poor twisted heart.

Sit back and let ol’ Tuffy tell you a tale: Read More »