The votes are in, and it’s clear: Sarah Silverman is, indeed, living out all of our dreams.

For those of you who haven’t checked YouTube or read gossip blogs or engaged in casual conversation, or, I don’t know, LEFT THE ISOLATED LOG CABINS YOU’VE APPARENTLY BEEN LIVING IN for the past several weeks, the story is as follows: Sarah Silverman gifted her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, with a lovely music video entitled “I’m F*&king Matt Damon.”

It’s pretty much what you’d expect, although I think the sexually charged dance-off in the middle took us all by surprise. (Another surprise: brilliant, hot-as-hell Sarah Silverman is dating Jimmy Kimmel. Never has there been such a clear visual demonstration of the term “settling.”) Jimmy, not too shy to ride on his lady’s coattails, responded with “I’m F*&king Ben Affleck,” which may be the crowning achievement of his life to date, if only for the fact that it features a singing Don Cheadle.

Yet, singing Don Cheadle aside, most of you seem to feel that Jimmy has come out on the losing end of this deal. A recent CollegeCandy poll shows that, if given the choice, most of our readers would rather be making out with Matt.

Never have I felt such confidence in our readers. Read More »

Here are two things I know to be true; Penelope Cruz is hot, and helping family members succeed in life is awesome.

Here are two more things I know to be true; just because one family member is talented, doesn’t mean everyone else in that family got the gene, and two sisters making out—no matter how good-looking they are, is majority creepy.

The UK magazine The Sun is reporting that in an attempt to get famous fast, Penelope Cruz’s brother, Eduardo Cruz (who will now be know as “Sketchy Cruz”), has put his two sisters in his new music video—making out.

In the video, Penelope and Monica play sexy sound-dub artists who are putting the finishing touches on a lesbian porn tape. Something about the porn, plus Sketchy Cruz’s typical pop music sound, gets these two so riled up that they can’t help acting out their sexual tension.

Now matter how hard I wish I was, I’m not making this up.

But wait! The story gets even weirder. Read More »

Days a Freshman: 109
Mood: totally surprised

“At first I thought I didn’t remember anything.” Sammy walked over to her desk, touching the knickknacks and papers surrounding her small laptop. “But every couple of days or so little bits of sound or a weird flash of a picture would pop up out of nowhere.”

“Your hallway bathroom is disgusting.” Rebecca pushed through Sammy’s door, droplets of water falling onto the carpet from the hot pot. “I didn’t want to touch anything.”

As soon as she closed the door, the energy must have hit her, because Rebecca stopped walking and stared at the back of Sammy’s head. “What?” she asked, letting her eyes slide over to me. “What?”

“I started telling Grace about what happened.” Sammy kept her attention on her desk, playing with a small green stapler. “I think she should know.”

“Oh.” Rebecca set the hot pot on Sammy’s puffy comforter. “Okay.”

“If it’s a big deal…” I leaned farther against the dresser, wishing I could lean myself right out of the room. “If it’s a big deal you really don’t –”

“Well, I was super wasted, so it’s not as big of a deal as you would think.” Sammy picked up the stapler and spoke to it. “Its not like I have all the gritty details. I got to the party drunk, hung out with Justin and some of his friends in the house, smoked some pot…and then I was sitting on a couch…” her voice wavered, fading in and out like a radio with bad reception. “And everyone tells me I was making out with some guy for a while…Sasha, I guess…”

Rebecca’s eyes slid over to me, but I looked away. Read More »

Days as a Freshman: 74
Mood: Stressed out

I peeled my apple slowly, concentrating on taking off as little of the inside part as possible. I kept my eyes on my hands. It was easier to talk to them this way.

“So he told you?” Crystal asked, leaning over my shoulder as though the answer was in my lap.

“He really told you?” Naima leaned in as well, pulling her jacket closer as a cold breeze pushed our hair and the leaves in the trees around us. Today was one of those rare November afternoons where it was still warm enough to sit outside in the sun, and Crystal, Naima, Rebecca and I had left our notes in the library and come out to the steps for some air.

“He told me. Probably not everything, but enough.” I handed the apple skin to Crystal who promptly ate it. She hated waste of any kind. Especially food. “He told me about MaryAnne’s cousin. And at least what he remembered about that night.”

“Wonder why he told you” Crystal mused, her mouth full. “He must really like you.”

As a friend, I thought, almost slicing my thumb with the knife I had stolen from the dining hall. I’m a great friend. And that’s all. Read More »

Here’s one last thing to go along with the scary Halloween television and disturbing décor: Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong are totally hooking up.

Frightening, right?

According to the ever-scandalous Page Six, Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong were seen together at the Gramercy Park Hotel’s bar on Monday night “making out” while Ashley “sat on Lance’s lap”.

The pair, 21 and 36, have a 15-year age difference between them and about a billion Ex’s. Armstrong was recently linked to Sheryl Crow and designer Tory Burch, while Ashley seems to have dated pretty much any guy who thinks she’s cool.

The creepiest part about this pairing is the fact that Lance Armstrong always struck me as a super-responsible, super cool guy. Something about winning 7 Tour de Frances and beating cancer made him seem laid back and experienced, a dude who sought out cool, traveled friends and mature women. To see him making out with Ashley Olsen crushes everything I (we?) previously thought.

Plus…ew. Read More »

“See? This is us in my living room? Isn’t he cute? He’d be so much cuter if his face wasn’t squished by my head…”

This sentence isn’t offensive on it’s own, but couple it with an hour’s worth of similar utterances, and you’ve got one of the most annoying situations in life: The Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend.

I was recently in the presence of such a girl, and found myself silently contemplating all the ways in which I could force her mouth shut permanently.

Trying to do work around one of these female specimens is impossible. You just can’t do it. No matter how interested you try to make yourself look in whatever work is in front of you, Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend will continually engage you in superficial drivel.

The shallow conversation she tries to engage you in will always be one-sided, however. Even though she’ll ask you questions that will keep you away from you work, she’ll routinely answer those questions herself, not having even a second to wait while you search your head for something remotely friendly to say.

Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend usually picks single people to torture. It’s a subconscious, animal-like sense that she has about her—she can smell singleness like a shark smells bloody fish heads. Read More »

• Like this t-shirt is any worse than “Cinco de Mayo” or “Irish I Were Drunk“? (kctv5.com)

• If you’re going to rob someone of all of their worldly possessions, the least you could do is tidy up. (Yahoo!)

• The following gallery is a case of “So Ugly It’s Cute”! Be warned! (The Sun)

• Not only are these inmates eco-friendly, but they’re making ice cream! Italian ice cream! Mmmm (Reuters)

• Things to do when your… stoned? (COED Magazine)

I know, I know. Everyone is using their cell phone to date these days. Texting is totally 2007. It’s quick communication without the hassle of actually dealing with a voice on the other end.

But I hate it. Especially when it’s combined with dating.

Way back in the day, it was common practice for people to speak on the phone after a first date—or not. Either a duo chatted a few days later or someone decided to just “forget” to call, making it pretty obvious what the future held. A call meant “I like you, let’s go out again” no call meant “eh. You lost me at hello.”

But now, with the increased popularity of texting, people can walk the line and make everything 100 times more confusing. Sort of like the person but not sure if you really feel like going out again? Send a random, friendly text message. Cover your ass in case you bump into them on the street.

“You’re pretty cool and we should talk soon.”

That’s the gist of a text I received a few days ago after going out on a first date last weekend. But no phone call followed the text. Not even an email. Just some random, noncommittal, rated G words typed into a phone in the middle of the day. Read More »