I’m not a vegetarian, but I like to eat like one. I’m very picky with meats (I don’t eat seafood, beef, or pork); I try to eat healthy (even though I typically consume the calories I cut throughout the week in weekend drinking binges); and, most importantly, I’m a horrible cook, so I’d rather microwave a faux-chicken cutlet than get salmonella from undercooking a juicy piece of pollo.

A recent issue of Shape magazine suggested eating vegetarian once a week, and I was like, “Heyyy I already do that! I rock!” They also featured a mouthwatering recipe for vegetarian paella. That’s not going to happen. So, whether you’re a carnivore or a herbivore, trying to shave some calories from your diet, or too busy to slave over a hot stove, I give you vegetarian meals in five minutes or less. All you need is a microwave.

1. Boca Meatless Chili
You need:
–Boca Meatless Chili, from the freezer section of your grocery store.
–2 slices of whole wheat bread

*Zap the chili for three minutes, stir, and nuke for one more minute.
*While the chili is in the microwave, pop the whole wheat bread in the toaster.
*Cut the whole wheat toast in quarters, top with tasty chili, and enjoy! Read More »

Ah, the Fourth of July. The best day of the entire summer to sit back, throw some burgers on the grill, set off illegal fireworks, and get sloshed in the name of our forefathers. Besides Father’s Day, the fourth is really the only summer holiday, sandwiched between the glorious three-day weekends of Memorial Day and Labor Day.

That said, if you are planning to celebrate our nation’s birthday this weekend, I hope you do it in style. Here are some patriotic concoctions that will make you declare your independence…from your dignity, that is.

Red Sangria and White Sangria
Sure, sangria originated in Spain somewhere, but its gotten so popular in the past few years, that even Applebees has a signature sangria on its drink menu. Besides, this recipe is totally Americanized– even George W. could follow these directions!

In a punch bowl (preferably a clear one so you can display your creatively festive colors), combine a 750 mL bottle of red or white table wine with a cup of peach schnapps, two cups of pineapple juice and one cup of lemon-lime soda. Add more peach schnapps for a sweeter punch, or more juice if you don’t want it super-strong (baby). Read More »

Dear American Apparel Cotton Spandex Jersey Strapless Ruched Dress –

From the first time that I saw you, I knew I had to have you. It was a cold afternoon in winter when my roommate came in from a shopping trip downtown and announced that she had found a new favorite dress. She went into her bedroom, and emerged shortly thereafter wearing beautiful, classic you. I remember how lovely you looked, so artfully simple with your long cylindrical shape and your sexy little ruched detailing, drawing attention to the tatas. I remember us discussing your versatility, how you so easily went from below the knee to just under the ladyparts with just a bit of bunching. I remember admiring the way you wrapped yourself around my roommate’s body so tightly in your spandexy embrace. It was amour at first sight.

Months went by, but I still didn’t make my move. Then, last weekend, the weather became warm and balmy and my roommates and I decided to have some friends over for a barbecue. Instantly I had a vision of you and I, lounging together in the sun, enjoying a margarita. I knew it was time. Read More »

When I Googled “things that are bad for me” and Chicken Pot Pie came up, I was surprised I didn’t eat more of it. I happen to specialize in loving all things bad. I am a bad things virtuoso. I cuss, I eat candy bars for breakfast and I drink more wine than water.

If I thought of Chicken Pot Pie as something harmful, would I crave it every evening? Probably. I look at it as comfort food to eat on winter nights while wearing thick wool socks, something that just fills me up and doesn’t take any serious toll on my health and in turn, I haven’t eaten a Chicken Pot Pie since I was about eight.

When we want what we shouldn’t have, is our want purely psychological because our cravings are forbidden? Just as rules are made to be broken, “bad things” are made to be desired.

For Instance:

Frappucinos– I blame this one on Britney Spears, because anytime she waddled out of a Starbucks her best accessory was her Venti sized Mocha Frappucino (whipped cream included) Why is it bad? 500 calories in a beverage is just too many.

JUNK FOOD– The term junk came around for a reason. Case in point: I spent twenty minutes staring at cookie dough in the grocery store today, simply because I knew I shouldn’t buy a BUCKET of cookie dough because I may have an instant heart attack after I finish the whole thing, uncooked. Or I may get a serious case of salmonella. I’ve never spent 20 minutes staring at grapefruit or kale, because who desires ‘effing KALE? Read More »

Being the giant fan of summer that I am, Labor Day is always a little sad.

Even though it won’t get chilly for another few weeks, the mere promise of shorter days, schoolwork, and winter hats constantly ruining perfectly styled hair is enough to make me a little depressed…at least until fall fashions go on sale.

For many of us, Labor Day is a last hurrah; our last 24 hours to wear white pants (which perhaps some of us shouldn’t be wearing in the first place?), last day to barbeque without standing by the grill in a jacket, and last 3-day weekend for a while.

It’s also a party, whether we’re partying with friends or throwing our own personal celebration that consists of doing absolutely nothing—and enjoying the hell out of it.

In honor of Goodbye-To-Bathing-Suits weekend, I’ve found the perfect cocktail to commemorate a summer gone by. Read More »

Tequila may be the touchiest alcohol out there. And by that I mean—we’ve all had those nights, and have sworn off the cursed drink since.

I’m about to tell you one of my most embarrassing drinking stories ever for the sake of this piece. Are you ready?

I was 18, met a 30 year old guy who I fell head over heels for, and became a regular at his local bar (you can legally drink in France at 18, thank God). He liked me too, which was a bonus. But he had an issue with the age difference. Yet, because of my undeniable charm (and extreme persistence), I was slowly but surely convincing him that age ain’t nothing but a number.

One night, sitting around with all of his friends who I had never met before, we decided to do a round of shots. Tequila it was, and when I asked for training wheels (don’t you just automatically get salt and a lime?), I was denied. “Katy, we’ve seen you drink. You can handle a big girl shot.” Nope. No, I couldn’t.

We took the shot, and as it was sliding down my throat, I felt it make a U-turn and begin to come back up. Nothing else—just the shot. And I kid you not, I literally projectile vomited this fucking shot of tequila all over the guy, and most of his friends. How’s that for bringing sexy back? I got him in the end, but that’s a whole other story…. Read More »