You’ve probably heard of a “happy ending” massage, and if you haven’t, what the hell kind of PG-rated world are you living in? As weird and dirty as I think they are (how many people have been jacked off in that room. Seriously?), if dudes (and yes, some women) want to have a stranger who probably hates their job help them orgasm, then whatever. Go for it.

But allowing your husband to get one? Encouraging and then laughing with him about it afterwards? Telling him how cute it was that he had a hard time finding someone to finally do it?

WTF.

Now, I’m not one of those rabid girlfriends who beats their boyfriend for accidentally checking out the boobs of another woman — hell, I’m not even one of those girls who won’t let her dude go to a strip club — but I really don’t think I’d spend my time convincing my husband to let some other chick give him a handjob for $55 with tip.

My reasoning is less about the possibility of him getting ideas and then cheating (I believe if a guy is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat, no matter what you say or do), and more about the weirdness of encouraging a husband to seek outside sexual gratification. I mean, if I’m his wife, shouldn’t I be the one providing all the sex acts? Is that what you kind of promise when you get married — that you’re the one who will be giving all the handjobs from now on?

What do you think? If you were married, would you encourage your guy to get a “happy ending”?

Welcome to the Baby Daddy War.

One is a super strong, sexy hockey hero; the other is just a hot, hometown Southern boy. But Levi Johnston and Casey Aldridge really aren’t that different. They both have really strong sperm, they are both being forced into marriage (allegedly), and they both decided to knock up the wrong girl.

They are also both kinda sexy in that “I would never touch that, but I can see why that girl let him impregnate her” sorta way.

Would you want your name tattooed on either of their middle fingers?
Which one’s child would you be willing to carry?

Whether he’s spent half of his career in the slammer or not, Robert Downy Jr. has always been a favorite with the ladies.  Those lips, those puppy dog eyes…those freaking biceps in Iron Man, RDJ is pure middle-aged fantasy material if I’ve ever seen it.

Speaking of fantasies, RDJ just admitted to Now Magazine that he used to be a compulsive masturbator!  Which is really pretty strange!  [Our exclamation points are because we don’t know how to process this information!]

“I was a compulsive, serial masturbator, but it was the best thing I could have been. I utilized that organ and rode it for everything it was worth.” 

Hmm.   Awkward.  Downy goes on to say this:

“[masturbating] no longer a motivating factor for me. My union with [my wife] is sacred. Almost always, guys want to get laid. They have a girlfriend, they want to f*ck her friend. But I’m not that guy.”

Good to know that he don’t want to eff his wife’s friends.  Also good to know that he believes marriage is sacred.  Weird to know that he used to tug it all the time.

Some people enjoy sharing, I guess.

It might go against Scientology to record my thoughts but my thetan level is low enough that it might not matter until later, when I may become a master of the universe. I have to guess what the levels are called since Tom says that I’m not high enough in the order yet to know - much of anything.

While he is spending his time channeling L. Ron, I have tried to find the meaning of life in the temple of Barney’s. Did I say that? Because I didn’t mean it, in case you’re reading this my Scientology handlers. I meant that I just enjoy shopping. Because my life is so empty. By empty I mean FULL, though, it’s full of - shopping bags and hair cuts and love for L. Ron.

As first lady of Scientology, I must hold it together at all times  and no one knows the pressure that I’m under. Not only am I a fashion icon, I am an important actress and a vessel for scientology’s future. Even if I don’t have sex with Tom.

I must stop writing now. Tom is calling me and it’s time for my auditing, to free myself from the traumatic incidents of my life. Like my marriage. He worries when I start thinking or having friends, even ones as vapid as Posh.

Vapid. I love that word. I used words like that when I was living in Capeside. Oh, how I miss Dawson. He always knew me better than anyone else. I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over, I want to know right now what will it be… Dawson, I’ll leave my window open for you - please come.

Oh, no, Tom’s here. American Express, take me away…

To get your question answered, email Tuffy at asktuffyluv@gmail.com. Ain’t no question too big or too small–but keep your question down to a paragraph or three tops, yes?

[Confidential to Paulina: Stay away from that loser. He’s obviously still seeing his ex (or at least hooking up with her) and you so don’t need that. Like you said, there never was a friendship–why start one now?]

All right, on with today’s question:

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m having a big weird problem with my friend, let’s call her “Kate.” Kate has been my friend since third grade and we hang out with all the same people. I thought we were close.

But I was having coffee with her last week (I’m still in college but she graduated last year) and I noticed she had a ring on her ring finger. When I asked her about it it, she said, “Oh yeah, me and “Jake” eloped.” Tuffy, she’s only been dating Jake for 5 months! Also, she didn’t even tell me it happened! I said, “Oh my god, when did you elope?” And she said, “Like a month ago.”

What the hell?! Was she ever going to tell me? Apparently none of our other friends know. I feel like she totally left me (and our other friends) out of one of the most important parts of her life. I just can’t get over feeling hurt by her. What should I do?

-Elizabeth Read More »

Apparently, Jamie Lynn Spears’s babydaddy like’s em bleached and in cowboy boots. Classy.

How a boardroom of smart people missed this…I’ll never know

Rambo Reporter: Woman gets shot and keeps on talking

Screamer? You might get fined!

This just in: Facebook might actually help your career

Obama gets hot

Write your paper, toast some bread

That’s right, JLove — fight for acceptance by giving in and getting skinny. That’ll show ‘em

Old guys say the darndest things

You know what “avocado” means, don’t you?

The train never left the station…even though they’re married

You gotta love Japanese culture. They always find a way to surprise you with their little quirks and pleasantries.

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in. Read More »

Marriage is a big thing in this country, isn’t it? People are all up in arms about protecting the sanctity of it. Making sure people wait for it before they have kids, and that those of the same sex don’t do it because that would be wrong. With all of this to do about stopping certain people from marrying, who’s making sure that other people do?

It seems that marriage (according to statistics, which as we all know, are infallible) has become a white institution. Black people just aren’t doing it anymore.

Some of you may be familiar with the special CNN aired, “Black in America” in which they spoke on many of the issues that black America is having not only with marriage, but with other aspects of day to day life: employment, education, etc., all of which impact the black community.

Dionne Hill, the producer of the segment has a special rumination on black people and marriage. It’s not a new statistic, but the fact still remains: black people simply are not getting married in the numbers that we once used to. Certainly no longer comparable in numbers to the ethnic majority of Caucasian people marrying. In the article, which can be found in it’s entirety here, she talks about her own experience with the illusive unicorn that is marriage and her own vision of the perfect life, which is, of course: marriage, career, and children. Read More »