I’m starting to feel bad for Lindsay Lohan. I know, I am like some evil bitch because it took me two years of watching this girl spiral out of control to hop on the sympathy train, but it is really hard for my to care about someone who has every single bag I’ve ever wanted. And all those awesome clothes! I can’t feel bad for her when I hate her so much.

(And people say I’m materialistic. Pshaw.)

Anyways, the time has finally come for me to feel for this girl. Not because her mom is sh*t nuts. Not because her sister is being whored out on TV for monetary gain. Not because she allegedly has some secret half sister lurking somewhere in the Midwest. Not because she needs to become a lesbian in order to find someone to trust. Not even because she is a lesbian with some creepy looking skinny dude-ish girl.

I feel bad for her because she really has no one she can trust. Read More »

Happy Saturday, ladies.

While I sit on my couch watching TV, checking my ex’s status on Facebook (being a douchebag, as usual) and trying to convince my mother that I am not hungover (what can I say; I’m a multitasker), I just got some rather frightning news. Like Paris Hilton wants a child news. Or Kevin Federline was named father of the year news.

It appears that LiLo has a secret (well, not anymore) half sister!

Kristi Kaufmann, a former fling of Michael “I’m a Preacher” Lohan, is claiming that he is the father of her 13 year old daughter, Ashley. According to Kaufmann, she and Michael had a little tryst during (and after!) a short separation from Dina back in the day. Scandalous!

Michael has confirmed the validity of this claim, which - I imagine - can mean only one thing for this attention whoring family: another Lohan reality show!

I am just waiting to see:
A) How Mama Lohan responds to this
B) The I-Have-A-Sister-That-I-Didn’t-Know-About Bender Lindsay goes on
C) The hot mess this little 13 year old girl is going to become just being associated with the Lohan crew.

In this episode, Ali finally experiences the price she’ll pay for being “just” like her sister. Dressed like a Firewoman stripper, Ali goes to a block party in LoLand and is severely creamed. Shaving creamed — minds out of the gutter! Dina gets a call from the school guidance counselor telling her some serious harassing went down at escuela, they agree it’s best for Ali to stay home for a few days.

First of all Ali, if you are serious about becoming your sister, I have some advice:

Lindsay would not have taken that shiz! One false move and that’s a Grey Groose martini down the front of your Betsey Johnson.

Ali asks Dina if she can be home-schooled, but Dina’s only advice is that she’d love to see Ali on stage…at graduation. Dina goes to other members of the LoClan for help. Nana (yes!) suggests that Ali needs to stand up to these mean girls. Michael Lohan Jr. (I didn’t know he existed?) adds that every girl has to cope with a few megabitches throughout life, but it’s just part of growing up.

Dina ignores both of them and continues to baby Ali and give her special attention, like in dance class. Dina found IMPACT online and thinks it’s great. Ali thinks IMPACT is “STUPID”. I can’t tell if this is just a typical weird mom idea, or an attempt to showcase Ali’s multi-cultural appreciation. And then Dina gets down while Ali watches embarrassedly. I love her more and more every episode. Read More »

I have been eagerly anticipating the premier of the Lohan reality show since Perez announced it a few months ago. Monday’s premier more than exceeded my expectations. I’m sorry about the delay, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that I had absorbed all that I could from this trainwreck collision of Kardashiantics, Real World-esque shouting matches and Girls Next Door intelligence. The show, in a word, is brilliant. In two words, it is brilliantly horrible. Enjoy.

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody. Read More »

Was it just me or was life getting a bit boring sans Lilo?

Thank God she has busted out of her “intense medical detox facility in LA” according to TMZ and into Cirque (of Mary-Kate Olsen fame) in Utah.

Lindsay has been spotted white water rafting, going for a jog, even hitting the town for spray tans and a workout at Gold’s gym! Man, those Mormons sure know how to let LiLo loose!

But, if you think her stint in rehab seems like a walk in the park, think again.

Lindsay reportedly has two roommates (OMG worse than college!) and has to wash dishes, clean toilets and do her own laundry!

It’s like… REAL LIFE!

Maybe it’s a good thing, since Michael and Dina have officially divorced since Lindsay’s been hiding away in the wilderness. A dose of reality to kick your drug habit is all well and good, but it doesn’t matter if you’re 9 or 19 (or 21…), hearing that your parents are splitting up, well, sucks.

We all know the turmoil a divorce can cause on the children. Read More »