When I was a teenager, I was angry. Of course I was angry! What teenager isn’t? When guys were jerks to me and bratty girls made me homicidal, I had music as my medicine, and fabulous women to look up to.

They were gorgeous and bright, well versed in their rights, talented, and respected. They had lyrics crafted especially for the freeing of the spirit. You know who I’m talking about. Ani Difranco. Tori Amos. Fiona Apple… the list goes on. These ladies helped mold me into who I am today with presence and personality that could give any girl hope and strength.

My questions is this: Where have all of these fantastic ladies gone? As a musician, I can only aspire to be like them, but when I look around, I feel as though I hardly see anyone else aiming for that goal. I see one hit wonders without longevity. I see women using curse words matched with a catchy chorus to be “cute”. Giant boobs and bare midriffs and lyrics written by some fifty year old guy.

Where are the heroes of this generation? Read More »

Everywhere I go, I see couples of all shapes and sizes. I’m no Supermodel, but I’m not a total trainwreck either; I’m literate, have seen “Iron Man” at least six times, and shower almost everyday. So why isn’t anyone spooning with me?

After analyzing all of my failed attempts into coupledom, I realized it’s not me doing something wrong–it’s every guy I’ve ever been with: they never meet my standards. But what are my standards? Two words: have mercy!

…Okay, two more: Uncle Jesse.

That’s right, Uncle Jesse is my dream man. The Prince Charming to my Cinderella, the McDreamy to my Dr. Grey, the Richard Gere to, well, everybody’s mom.

John Stamos’ portrayal of Uncle Jesse on the sitcom “Full House” entered my life at the young and impressionable age of literally the day I was born. I mean, it’s kind of weird to say that he shot me into puberty before I was out of diapers, but since I could process emotions, I’ve known who the man for me is.

Why waste time on the frat guy with premature male-pattern baldness in Philosophy 101, or the dude with those cheese whiz-stained pants that used to live on my floor? I’m still a young sprite, and am in no rush to lower my standards, thankyouverymuch.

Here are the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is the reason I’m still single: Read More »

The other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times within a half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irrate about something and was on a ranting rampage, OR there are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:
The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:
Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:
The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry. Read More »

I remember when Dane Cook was funny.

Back in my freshman days of college, me and my best friend would get a bottle of cheap wine, lock ourselves in her dorm room, play endless snippets of Dane’s authentic stuff and giggle obnoxiously until we went out to the parties, quoting the entire thing.

The Burger King bit was our personal fave. That was good stuff!

But then, every college student and their mother caught on to Dane, he sold out, started making crap movies with crap “actresses”, and, suddenly, his comedy isn’t so funny anymore. Pretty ironic that a guy who once made college students laugh so hard is now being laughed at by college students.

It gets worse. MUCH WORSE. Dane is now trying his Superfingered-hand at bad emo music. Yep. He just released a sh*t-tastic song that everyone is pointing and laughing at him over, called “Forward” and you can listen to it here.

Check out the sick guitar solo, amazing backup vocals and thought-provoking lyrics, such as:

“Pushing from within, everything’s not fine. Tonight I’m gonna take back what’s mine.” Read More »