I don’t do sports. I don’t play them, I don’t watch them, and I most importantly don’t understand them. I still get basketballs, footballs, and blueballs confused. Until I was not-so-gently corrected by a friend, I thought Tiki Barber was the name of a Hawaiian hair salon. So it comes as no surprise that I not only don’t participate in watching the weekend football games, but I actually go out of my way to avoid them.

My roommate and I have an understanding: I leave the apartment when she watches the Eagles game and she leaves the apartment when I watch Grey’s Anatomy. We both find the others’ television viewing choice ridiculous and pointless. On the rare occasion I make the mistake of sticking around during a football game I am subjected to her ear-piercing screams that are so loud and so full of energy that people must mistake her cheers for domestic abuse. When they are winning she shouts; when they are losing she screams. Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation for me.

However, she apparently isn’t the only one that enjoys the sport and over the years I’ve had to endure several games. By several, I mean two. I’ve learned a few things along the way: Read More »

I’m not a vegetarian, but I like to eat like one. I’m very picky with meats (I don’t eat seafood, beef, or pork); I try to eat healthy (even though I typically consume the calories I cut throughout the week in weekend drinking binges); and, most importantly, I’m a horrible cook, so I’d rather microwave a faux-chicken cutlet than get salmonella from undercooking a juicy piece of pollo.

A recent issue of Shape magazine suggested eating vegetarian once a week, and I was like, “Heyyy I already do that! I rock!” They also featured a mouthwatering recipe for vegetarian paella. That’s not going to happen. So, whether you’re a carnivore or a herbivore, trying to shave some calories from your diet, or too busy to slave over a hot stove, I give you vegetarian meals in five minutes or less. All you need is a microwave.

1. Boca Meatless Chili
You need:
–Boca Meatless Chili, from the freezer section of your grocery store.
–2 slices of whole wheat bread

*Zap the chili for three minutes, stir, and nuke for one more minute.
*While the chili is in the microwave, pop the whole wheat bread in the toaster.
*Cut the whole wheat toast in quarters, top with tasty chili, and enjoy! Read More »

Eating is fun.
And eating is even MORE fun when you’re smashed.
That’s right. They tell us that alcohol impairs your judgment and ‘they’ are absolutely right.

How else do I explain the empty jar of peanut butter I found this morning next to my bed?

Ah, peanut butter.
You know, you don’t have to eat a jar of it when you’re drunk to savor its goodness (which I seemed to have forgotten…)

One of my favorite drunk snacks involves a little PB, a little fat and a whole lot of delicious:

1 Rice Cake with Skippy Reduced Fat Peanut Butter smeared on it with Light Chocolate syrup poured over it. Oh. My. God. It’s so delicious, you’ll cry.

Read More »

There’s really nothing better I can think of than a dinner that tastes fantastic but took less than 15 minutes to make. Unfortunately, the two are almost mutually exclusive in my mind. I say “almost” because I can think of at least one notable exception: taco salad.

When I was a kid, taco salad was one of my favorite dinners. My mom would sprinkle some grated cheddar cheese on tortilla chips and pop them in the oven to make nachos, and we would eat the nachos as an appetizer while she made the taco salad. When we were done with the nachos, the salad was ready to eat.

I love taco salad so much that sometimes I make the mistake of ordering it when I go out to eat. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s usually pretty delicious—but then I remember that I can make almost exactly the same thing at home for a fraction of the cost. If you like restaurant taco salad, too, give this recipe a try. Read More »

Dear Friend On A Diet,

I am so proud of you for making such a positive, health conscious change in your life. Also, you look hot. However, that does not mean that I want to know the calorie/fat/transfat content of the food I am CURRENTLY EATING.

I am trying to be very supportive of you, not asking you to share an order of nachos, not pushing you to match me beer for whatever low-carb crap you are drinking. This is what good friends do. And for this I am rewarded with a play by play of your diet and exercise habits, including handy tips for me! Ahem. There are several things I would like you to understand before I continue:

1. I understand. I have been a very successful dieter in the past, and I know how your every thought becomes consumed with what you will eat in the next meal, day, week. Been there, obsessed over that.

2. A follow up to #1: I KNOW all this. I have been a dieter. A good one. A well-researched one. What do I say when you tell me the fiber content of a cereal that I already know?! I don’t need to one up you, but if I express polite interest (“oh, really? Fascinating.”) it will only encourage you and make things worse for me, the disinterested yet diplomatic friend. Please, appreciate my situation, and help me avoid it. Read More »

Best. Easy. Nachos. EVAH.

Brooke Shields proves she’s still hotter than most of us will ever be.

You know how Bush is all confident that we’re totally kicking ass over there in Afghanistan? Well…

Sara Silverman is f*&cking Matt Damon. I’m giving her a virtual high-five.

Want your movie to flop? Cast Jessica Alba.

OMG. The writer’s strike may truly be over soon…and hopefully answering my prayers by making sure American Gladiators dies a quick, performance-enhanced death.

How to look at the female voter.

Ryan Gosling can do no wrong. Ever. Seriously.