These are the things I know about Jessica Simpson:

1. She is blonde.
2. She has little/no talent.
3. She once confused tuna and chicken.
4. She is ridiculously gorgeous and happens to be dating someone else who is ridiculously gorgeous.
5. She kisses with her eyes open?
6. She loves sex.

I mean, how else would you explain this quote she recently gave to Australia’s Daily Telegraph?

“I’d love six kids running around, but I guess I’ll have to start pretty soon.”

Six?! Six hot-but-totally-dumb children? She does realize that all those kids won’t give her Angelina’s career or worldwide respect, right? I mean, what is she thinking?

Unless this is her plan to get another reality show: Newlyweds meets Jon and Kate Plus 8…

I don’t know about you, but I am scared. And Jessica should be too; babies mean weight gain and stretch marks and getting all dowdy… without that killer body, this girl has nothing.

So, Papa Joe might find me and kill me (or send out a swat team of lawyers). But I don’t care. I’ll put it bluntly, and to him: “Papa Joe, your family is hideous, and you’re to blame.”

I hate thinking about the Simpsons. I try not to think about them. Ever. But when I do think about the Simpsons, and conjure up their faces in my mind’s eye, it makes me want to stab my actual eyeballs with needles or a really sharp knife. Since I like my eyes, and appreciate all that they do for me (good jobs, eyes!), I try to avoid images of the Simpson clan. Nevertheless, the girls appear on a lot of my magazines and are picked on at most the blogs I surf every day. Inevitably, I am forced to think about them, even look at them.

I’m sure some of you think I’m being unduly harsh when speaking in such venomous tones. Indeed, the Simpson camp would agree with you. So, by all means, go ahead and join that nest of vipers. But I can’t help being critical. In my mind, they rank up there with the worst of the Hollywood hacks, a close tie with Parasite Hilton or Lindsay Blohan.

OK, that’s hyperbolic, as I am thinking of more counter-examples myself, not to mention that the Simpsons, like Lohan, are in a different category than Hilton types, who were born, literally born, with golden spoons in their . . . well, you get the point.

These days, the competition to make it to the realm of beyond-pitiful is steep. Nevertheless, my dislike for the Simpsons is extremely intense. When did it all begin? Let’s see, I remember that “innocent” reality show . . . aaaaah, yes, The Newlyweds. That guy, Nick Lachey . . . that’s when he was in the picture, too. But Papa Joe effectively cut him out, didn’t he? Read More »