If any of the producers of What Not to Wear ever happen to read this article, please accept my personal cry for help and send me to Stacy and Clinton asap.

Though I can usually throw together something appropriate for work or special events, about half of my clothing inventory consists of utterly ridiculous garments. It doesn’t help that I’m sentimental and can’t discard my prom dresses five years later, or that I’m waiting for certain trends to come back (though I’m pretty sure sparkly, sleeveless, turtleneck sweaters were never in style to begin with). And it definitely doesn’t help that I went through a goth/punk phase that a small part of the “professional” me desperately wants to revert back to.

As we all get ready for back to school, many of us will rummage through our closets and get rid of last season’s most shameful shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants in order to make room in our tiny dorm closets for upcoming styles (that we will undoubtedly regret in 2009 or 2010).

Here are some of my particularly embarrassing items.

1. Drawstring Khakis

I think that any pants that don’t have a numerical size should be left alone. So, why I bought these “Size L” drawstring pants with floral embroidery at the bottom is beyond me. They don’t go with any shoes, the trim is tacky, and they are so baggy that they make my ass look like a misshaped Volvo. I used to wear them to lounge around, because a lack of a waist obviously equals comfort; however, I made the mistake of wearing them out of the house one extremely hungover day. In public. With friends. My friend turned to me and said, “If you ever wear those pants again, I will cut them off your body.” Point taken. Read More »

Um. It looks like my grandpa started designing clothes!

Or maybe not. Even he doesn’t wear his pants this high. What were the people at Society for Rational Dress thinking?

Their designs are typically chic, simple and beautiful. But these? These “pants” are pleading for a camel toe. And a nursing home.

And where exactly does the zipper start? What does one wear with a pair of pants that belts at the breasts? Does this look come in capris?

I know that we are trying to move away from the low rise fad that leaves cracks exposed and the infamous muffin top, but this is taking things a bit too far, no?

There are some attributes to the summer season that make it less than perfect. One of these is the prevalence of muffin top sightings, and I’ve just got to vent.

It’s not so much the muffin top in and of itself that irks me. It is OSTS, or One-Size-Too-Small Syndrome, afflicting so many girls that just baffles me.

Why do I refer to this…issue… as OSTS instead of the popular, Muffin Top? Well, in my humble opinion, the phrase “muffin top” implies that the offender is what she eats, and likely has a fondness for Oreos and Taco Bell. This simply is not always true. Skin hanging over your waistband does not mean fatness. I’ve seen girls who can’t possibly be any bigger than a size 4 with a muffin top, and it’s not that they’re at all chubby. Instead, it’s that they insist they’re a size two, and the end result in the obvious: OSTS. It’s not pretty. Read More »

Can we just call it quits and say leggings are pants? Leggings are pants! LEGGINGS ARE PANTS!

Yes, leggings are very TIGHT pants, but, as long as they’re completely (please God, completely) opaque and they’re either low enough or covered enough to avoid the dreaded camel toe, what’s wrong with ‘em?

Normally, I would not give a shiz about this one way or the other. In fact, no shorter than one month ago, I was very anti-legging. Sure, I thought, they look cute on some girls, but surely they would look totally butt on, say, short curvy little me.

But I ended up buying a pair as a part of a costume, thinking they would look ridiculous. And I laughed at the store. And I laughed backstage. And then I put them on.

And, oh my God, friends, LEGGINGS. Leggings are wonderful! Read More »

So, I was in NYC the other day to drop my boyfriend off at LaGuardia. During the 20 minutes we sat in the departures area waiting for a friend to show up, I saw flocks of girls traipse through the airport wearing leggings—ONLY leggings—on their lower halves.

Hello? Is this some infuriating trend I’m missing because I don’t live in the hotspots of NYC?

Thankfully, since I don’t live there, I can provide those girls with a clue. Leggings are NOT pants! Okay?! They are like tights—meant to be worn under something. Something such as PANTS!

Wearing leggings as pants is like painting your legs hoochie black and then walking around. If you think you have amazing legs, then fine. Walk around in a miniskirt or a pair of skinny jeans. But for the love of all that is proper, do not treat leggings and pants interchangeably!

If you still don’t get it, here’s a simple cheat sheet.

Leggings with a minidress? Okay, as long as the minidress is conceivably long enough so that you could wear it with only underwear. Read More »

Skies are blue, trees are blooming, and temperatures are rising, which can only mean one thing – it’s time to take your godd*mn pants off.

My roommate and I have been experimenting with the pants-free lifestyle for many months now. It began in January when one early Friday evening we were sitting on the couch watching Scrubs reruns, harnessing our chi for a night out on the town.

Me: I don’t wanna wear pants tonight, dude.
My roommate: Yeah man, f*ck pants.

Half an hour later, we emerged from our respective bedrooms, me in a tank top and some sort of shorts/panties half-breed, her in what can best be described as beach loungewear. We threw on our jackets and headed out to the club, where we proceeded to drink whiskey and diets and shake what our mammas gave us until we were so pleasantly exhausted and sweaty we could barely stand any longer and had to call it a night.

The point of this little anecdote? By choosing to forego pants, my roommate and I ensured that we would have a fun evneing. If we had been so foolish as to wear, say, skinny jeans or perhaps high-waisted wide-leg trousers or some other wintry-style clothing garment out that evening, there’s no way we could have enjoyed ourselves to the degree we did. We would have felt restricted and gotten sweaty and would have never stayed until the late-night DJ came on and started busting out old-school James Brown jams. Instead of having a glorious evening, we would have had a low-key, mediocre evening, because pants ruin fun. Period. Read More »

If you haven’t heard about the man with the missing pants yet, you must have been living under a rock; it’s been all over the television for days.

But for all those rock-dwellers, otherwise known as people with actual lives (psshhh whatever), here’s the quick overview.

Man, Judge Roy L. Pearson to be exact, (doesn’t it sound like a soap opera name?) gives pair of pants to his local dry cleaners, owned by the kind Chung family. (Can you tell I’ve already picked my side?) Anyway, Pearson doesn’t get his pants back, sues family for $54 million. That about sums it up.

Now, I don’t even know where to begin trying to pick apart this mess. For one, the man is a judge, you think he of all people would be against manipulating the American legal system, right? Well, not so much.

Pearson claims that because he no longer wants to use his neighborhood dry cleaner he’s going to need $15,000 every weekend for 10 years to rent a car and go to a further cleaner. He also threw in $2.5 million to cover the emotional stress he had to endure over those poor, poor pants.

This one time, in sixth grade my mom accidentally shrunk my favorite pair of stone-washed Limited Too jeans in the dryer and I cried for a week, so I totally know where he’s coming from. (WHAT?) Read More »