I’m smart, and I know about politics. I know who Barack Obama and John McCain should have picked for their vice presidential candidates. I know this because I’m a genius.

Who Obama Should Have Picked

Flavor Flav
Obama’s shown that he has the quick charisma, intelligent flow and moves to be head MC of famed “conscious” rap crew Wyyte-Houzz and M-RIKA, but even the greatest mic rocker can only work the crowd so much. What Obama needs is a dedicated hype man, a man who can properly rep his skills without grabbing too much of the limelight - a man like former Public Enemy member and all-around gentleman Flavor Flav. Sure, it’s a heavy weight to carry around one’s neck, but Flav is used to it.

Paris Hilton
John McCain gets panned for being “too establishment”, “too Bushie”, and too conservative in general. But McCain was quite the Nostradamus, I think, when he highlighted Paris Hilton as an upcoming power player in the field of American politics. What makes her such a compelling choice? She has absolutely no platform. She’s completely Teflon. What are you going to disagree with? Taking McCain’s lead, I predict a future where President Obama will not only give Hilton the vice presidency but will make the Secretary of Defense a ham sandwich. Have you ever won an argument about nuclear policy with a ham sandwich? Neither have I.

A full-length mirror
Really, would anyone else do a better job? Obama may have to bulk up a bit for his reflective debut, since seeing his skinny butt all the time might give him body image issues, but otherwise a mirror image of Obama would be the perfect veep. He’d be harder to assassinate. He could double-team enemy politicians on the basketball court. He’d even pin down that right-handed constituency that’s been eluding him this whole time. Better yet, American citizens would no longer have to worry that the leader of the free world is a vampire. Unless he is. But better to find out now, instead of over Mr. Putin’s pale, bloodless corpse. Read More »

5. Put YouTube terminals in the voting booths
You wanna know something? Us college kids are really just big magnets. If you open a dumb video of an overweight thirteen year-old kid singing a pop song from the Falkland Islands, every single student within a mile will be chuckling over your shoulder within fifteen seconds.

If our presidential candidates really want to get the 18-24 crowd out and voting, they should start making films of themselves running drunk and naked across the interstate. Right now, candidates are mostly remembered for being a bunch of lumpy old guys who still haven’t lowered the drinking age. They can do so much better: the McCain/Romney version of “Daft Bodies”, for example, would totally steal the election. I’d vote for them.

4. “Reframe the debate”
This year, the American people are concerned with economic something and whatever with foreclosure blah blah drilling offshore and climate change, very important to something Iraq timetable mumble mumble. Man! The issues are tiring! I need a nap!

So it’s not surprising that college students don’t get out to rep their favorite pols. All they talk about is boring crap that sucks! You know what college kids like? Movies. It’s what we care about. “Iraq” is far away and hard to pronounce properly. All those cutthroat late-night debates need to be centered around the real questions — the tough questions, the ones that will get students waving big posters and burning their underwear.

“I understand that Christian Bale’s a great Batman, Senator Obama, but what’s up with that police run-in? In light of his creepy bevhavior, have you reconsidered your recent “pro-shirtless Bale” position?” “Senator McCain, what’s your stance on Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA? Awful enough to be funny, or just awful enough to suck?” “If elected, what measures do the candidates plan to take to ensure that George Lucas doesn’t ruin another franchise, ever?” Read More »

“The Dark Knight” is already my favorite movie ever

I get “blackout” to level the gender playing fields

This guy is truly the voice of a generation

Tom Hanks is a celeb endorsement I’d trust

Isn’t bird poo on your face normally a bad thing?

Jason Mraz, I love your words–but are they yours?

Admirable: Britney Spears stays grounded…even in flight!

Yay, Seth MacFarlane is stickin’ around

Planning a wedding is no easy task

Another “The Hills” parody–this time, with Lo!

Yes, we all know the supposed heart-throbs of our generation: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, blah blah blah blah. But aren’t there girls out there who yearn for a pair of boys with adorable accents, mad guitar skills, and who are also downright hilarious? If you answered no to that question, you need a wake up call, and here it is.

These two rather adorable boys are called Flight of the Conchords, and last Sunday they won a Grammy for best comedy album for their debut effort, The Distant Future.

They are, in their own words, “New Zealand’s 4th most popular folk/comedy duo“, and their songs are wonderfully quirky and insanely funny. In addition, they star in probably what is the most original show on television, called, you guessed it: Flight of the Conchords.

They star as slightly fictionalized versions of themselves, a folk duo from New Zealand trying to make it big in New York City. What makes this show unique, however, is the duo’s tendency to randomly burst out into song…about completely random topics. Read More »

Have you, gentle reader, ever entertained the thought of seducing John Krasinski - through the universal language of song? Yes. Yes, in fact, you have. But before you proceed, consider the sad example of Aimee Mann.

She tries to do just that, in this entertaining yet not-at-all timely mockumentary, which features Mann wandering around Hollywood in a succession of dapper ties, trying to book various stars for her annual Christmas spectacular.

(Before you ask why Aimee is releasing a Christmas mockumentary in mid-February, consider the larger mystery at play: she’s scheduling the show itself for November 30. Aimee Mann apparently has trouble figuring out when Christmas happens.)

The clip itself mostly features John K. honing his suprisingly well-developed skills of shifting around and making uncomfortable faces at the camera. (You know, if only there were some sort of SHOW where he could do this EVERY WEEK.) Yet, for Mann’s song alone, it’s well worth your time. Read More »