[Editor’s Note: I have no idea what this picture is, but it made me laugh so I used it. I hope you love it as much as me.]
Since learning that confidence is the most attractive thing to a man, I have been pretty successful in my late night endeavors. I see a man I want and I go for it. The general “walk up to a guy and flirt your heart out” approach is most definitely the way to go, but it is the variety of pick-up lines that makes the whole thing so much more fun.

My 5 most successful are listed below. Feel free to use ‘em…they work like a charm. (Just make sure to thank me later. I accept cookies, hugs and dates with Jake Gyllenhaal.)

1. Did you go to [Insert school here]? It is always good to have something to talk about when you approach a man. I mean, you would look pretty creepy if you just walked up to him and stood around. The school thing is always the best way to go because even if you know for a fact that kid did NOT go to Michigan, it is a great way to start off a convo. And let him know how smart you are. Read More »

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The Michael Showalter Showalter with Michael Cera

Dude, where’s my dress?

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The JoBros on the Big O!

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Abercrombie & Fitch “adults only” catalogue

In a dark, moderately dirtball Irish pub with adorable bartenders straight from Ireland, I am approached by a liquor promoter. He’s pretty good-looking, obviously a flirt because who else takes a job as a promoter, and so begins his attempt as he hands me a keychain:”Who do you get? Who do people always say you look like?”

I reply the truth, no one, because no one even thinks I look like myself after changing the hair. But the promoter has an opinion,

“Okay, so, you definitely don’t have some features she has, which is a good thing, but—”

Is he serious? I am intrigued by the obvious trap he is setting for himself. Why is it that dumb must always accompany pretty?

“—did you watch Blossom? I swear, you’re a post nose-job Blossom…. No, it’s a good thing!”

Was it really? I spent the rest of the evening staring at my nose in the mirror behind the bar and glaring at the promoter, who at the end of the evening thought he had a shot at seeing me at his ‘gig’ next weekend. Read More »

If a guy wearing a big furry hat, black nail polish, and eyeliner thicker than yours walked up to you in a bar and threw insults your way, would you suddenly become weak-kneed and fall into his arms?

Me either.

But apparently, a lot of women do. Which is why there’s a new show on VH1 called The Pick-Up Artist, starring one of the worst dressed men I’ve ever seen in my life, Mystery.

Yes. That’s the name he wants the world to call him.

Evidently, Mystery (God, it’s so hard to type that) is one of the best Pick-Up Artists in the world (How was this decided? Was there a Pick-Up Artist Olympics?), and he wants to share his tips and tricks with a bunch of viginy losers of national television. Mystery guarantees he will change these men’s lives, while making them irresistible to the ladies. Read More »

Pickup lines can be pretty skeezy, but honestly, who doesn’t like to be hit on? Getting hit on is the greatest confidence - booster that exists. Even when an ugly dude throws me a lame line with the sole purpose of getting into my pants, I can’t help but ride the “gosh golly, maybe I really am pretty!” high for a couple of days. Guys: are you listening? Genuine or not, compliments large and small work wonders.According to dating guru Julia Allison, come - ons are rather failproof. But so is buying a girl french fries. She explains: girls want greasy food, but they are too self - conscious to order it for themselves. So if a guy orders it for a girl, it’s the ultimate in symbiotic pick - ups. Even if they don’t end up getting together, at least they get french fries. And it’s a lot less presumptuous than ordering a girl a Long Island Iced Tea.

Hmm. I’m not sure. I think I might prefer compliments to french fries, but I’ll still take any free grub. Thanks, guys!

While enrolled in college one has to adapt to many changes in environment, surroundings, and vernacular. We all went through that fateful day when Mom and Dad dropped us off and we were suddenly thrust into a world of roommates, a brand new campus, and slang completely unique to the college atmosphere.

Call my (then) 18-year old self a prude, but if there’s one piece of advice I wish I had back when I started school it would be knowledge of the best (and worst) pickup line ever created:

“Hey, you wanna go watch a movie?”

As a naive freshman you may think to yourself, “Of course! Wow, college guys sure are nice,” but truth be told, “watching a movie” is probably going to involve a surprising amount of time in a bed. It’s truly the best cop-out come-on any adolescent guy can imagine. “Wanna go watch a movie?” has it all. Who doesn’t want to watch a movie? It’s benign enough to sound like a nice guy who’s just down to hang after a particularly awesome night of partying, but has enough sexual undertone to keep guys from feeling completely guilty when some poor girl starts to freak-out mid makeout. If he actually gets you through the front door? The hard work is done. Read More »

I was sitting in a diner yesterday with a couple of friends, when two of the guys I was with got to talking about how they were certain that they could hit on/go home with/bang the hell out of their waitress. Apparently, their waitress had been giving them the eyes from the moment they sat down, and, while they didn’t feel that she was most attractive girl they’d ever seen, or even the most attractive waitress they’d been served by this weekend, they both thought it’d be fun to see if they could pull off the pick-up.

As it happens, trying to pick up waitresses is truly one of the fun pastimes for a lot of guys, because the waitress/customer relationship eliminates the potentially awkward and messy scene that often plays out when a guy tries to approach a random girl. In a restaurant, where the waitress typically starts the conversation, a guy will be more at ease, and will usually be much more comfortable spitting the proverbial game

Now, as far as I know, there is no correct way to try and pick up a server. The usual and easiest course of action is simply to get a pen and write your name and number on the receipt or a business card and then hope for the best. I’m not saying that this method is always successful; in fact, it almost never works. But if you’re going to try and pick up the person who is bringing you bacon and eggs, a witty note with a phone number is generally the best course of action. All of which brings me back to yesterday.

One of the guys, who we’ll call Guy A, wanted to write down his digits, but no one in our party had a pen. Instead of simply asking another employee for a pen (because, c’mon, that would have been FAR too easy), Guys A and B proceed to hatch what may have been the most elaborate (and idiotic) plan that I’ve ever heard. Read More »

Has this happened to you?

You’re at a bar, minding your own business, talking to your friends and occasionally turning to see if that cute guy by the bathroom is actually with that girl he’s standing next to, or is just waiting in line to pee, when out of nowhere, a dude steps into your line of vision and says something slightly to very insulting. Don’t understand how it’s possible? Here are two real life examples:

Dude: “You two girls suck”

My friend and I freeze, staring at him in complete confusion.

Dude: “Seriously. You suck.”
Me: “Ok.”

I don’t know what else to say, and don’t care enough to trade insults with him. Nudging my friend with my elbow, I signal that it’s time to vacate the area.

Dude: “I mean, I’ve been here for an hour and haven’t been able to talk to either one of you!”

He grins, and asks us our names, and starts to talk to us. He’s actually friendly, but we leave soon after introductions because neither of us can forget how utterly rude he had been only moments ago.

At another bar with another friend, I’m trying to squeeze through an insanely huge crowd of people to get a beer. I can hardly breathe, and am in no mood to be yelled at by some tall, skinny, bi-speckled geek, but he continues to shout directly into my ear. Read More »