Q: I’ve been dating a great guy for a couple of months. When we started dating, he told me that he is “sort of” bisexual, and that he’s hooked up with guys before. I was nonchalant when he told me, and I said I was fine with it, but I’m a little weirded out. I feel like he’s going to be checking out guys whenever we go out, or thinking my guy friends are hot. Am I overreacting?

A: Well, honestly, I do think you’re overreacting–but it comes down to personal preference and opinion, so if his sexuality is something you can’t deal with, then you’re not right for each other.

Before you start drafting your “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, hear me out. Let’s say he’s 100% straight as an arrow–you do realize that he would notice other women besides you, right? And as much as you may hate it, he would probably form some opinion on how hot your friends are, too (though if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll keep it to himself). So what’s the difference between him noticing other women or other men? He’s still choosing to be with you.

Is it possible that you’re a little worried about friends’ reactions? Since you’ve been with him for a couple of months I’m assuming it wasn’t a dealbreaker–you did continue to date him after all. I actually dated a bisexual guy a few years ago, and the experience was not much different than dating a straight guy–for me, hearing that he was bi was like hearing that he loves dogs or hates seafood. Some of my friends were a little bit shocked when they found out, so his sexuality was only an issue when I started feeling defensive about it. Read More »

Q: My sex drive is through the roof, and I can easily have sex twice a day, every day…but my boyfriend is a different story. He’s fine only having sex once or twice a week. We’ve been together for almost a year, but we’ve been fighting about this more and more lately, usually after he brushes me off if I’m trying to “seduce” him, at which point I usually make passive aggressive statements about how I should find someone who DOES want to have sex with me. I feel bad for saying it, but I’m also starting to believe it! Aren’t guys supposed to dream of having a girlfriend that wants to have sex all the time? What should I do?

A: I can sympathize–I’m also the sex fiend in my relationship, and it can be really frustrating. Here’s the thing, though — I don’t think twice weekly sex is really a problem, at least not in the way that once-every-3-months sex would be a problem. Seems to me that’s it’s just a preference and not indicative of how attractive and sexy he finds you. Only you know for yourself if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I think a lot of the frustration might actually be coming from how the situation is handled, and less so the frequency of sex. Start by changing how you fight. I completely understand your passive-aggressive reaction (and I’ve so been there), but it’s only making him more defensive and not open to talking about it. Try bringing it up during a neutral time–not before, during, or after sex (or the rejection of sex)–and explain it to him in “I” statements: “I don’t feel good about myself when you brush off my advances.” Read More »

Q: My boyfriend wants me to get on top during sex, and I want to, but I feel too self-conscious about my body! I just feel like like I’ll be on display, with all of my flaws in his face. Any words of wisdom?

A: You will be on display–and your boyfriend will be loving every minute of it. Part of the reason the girl on top position is often requested by guys is because it’s hot! And not just because it feels good or because sometimes guys want to just lay there–a lot of the appeal is that he gets to see you. All of you. And I can’t stress this enough–he wants to.

And it seems like you want to also. If you had written to me to say that he wants you on top but there’s nothing you hate more, then I might have told you that there’s no reason you need to do something in bed that you don’t like. But it seems like something you’re curious about, and you very may well like.

My advice: just do it. Read More »

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and I’ve been faking it about three-fourths of the times we have sex (the other fourth of the time is genuinely great!). I started doing it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and because he really cares about my satisfaction, but I’m tired of faking, and now I don’t want to hurt his feelings by confessing about the past year. What should I do?

A: I’m sure many people would tell you that “honesty is the best policy,” and I agree…most of the time.

But hearing “I’ve been faking it” is tough to hear–and I should know, because I told an ex-boyfriend just that in a fit of post-breakup rage (I know). Sure, saying it out of anger is different than saying it because you’re ready to be honest about your needs and satisfaction–but if you’re planning on staying with him and working on your sexual relationship, I think there are better ways to work on that relationship than dealing him a low blow to the ego like that.

If you can get things on the right track without hurting him, why not do that?

Think about it, if he told you he’s been faking it for the past year (yes, guys can fake it!), would you be able to brush it off and jump in the saddle (so to speak) to start fresh? If it were me, I’d have a hell of a hard time feeling up for another roll in the hay.

But all is not lost. First thing’s first: stop faking. Not next week, not when it starts getting better, but now. Tonight. He won’t start doing the things that push your buttons if he thinks you’re into things you really could do without. Read More »

Q: Is it taboo to date a guy 6 years older in college?

A: I honestly laughed out loud when I saw this question in my inbox. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a soft spot for the older men. When I was 19, I found myself newly single after a two-year relationship. After about a week of crying in bed and eating ice cream, I decided it was time to date–and I had eyes only for older men. For two years, I dated men that were anywhere from five to eighteen (that’s not a typo!) years older than me.

What did I learn? From 18 to 38, men don’t mature all that much. Relationship angst is relationship angst, no matter the age difference. Of course, maturity level of both parties is a huge factor. Without fail, every man I dated in that two-year period would marvel at how mature I was for my age. It’s true–I’m a bit of an old woman trapped in a 20-something’s body. Dating older men worked for me because even though I was still in school, I wasn’t living on campus and was no way involved in the college social scene. And I much preferred being taken out to a nice restaurant and enjoying a glass of (illegal) wine with dinner than doing a keg stand with my significant other.

In your case, six years can be a total non-issue; he’s only a few years out of college and may very well be on the same wavelength as you in terms of relationships and lifestyle. You’re also less likely to run into the Peter Pan complex that was present in many of the older guys I dated, especially the 30-something-musician-still-waiting-for-his-big-break type. Read More »

Q: I’ve had boyfriend my entire life, but I can’t help feeling attracted to some of my straight girl friends. Am I bi?

A: My instinct is to answer your question with “Maybe. Who cares?” and leave it at that, but I’ll try to do my job and actually advise. That said, I can’t tell you whether or not you’re bi. I think it’s possible that you’re crushing on your female friends because it’s a safe way to explore same-sex attraction—since they’re your friends and they’re straight, the chance of a hookup happening is minute, meaning you can admire/lust from afar.

But I also don’t think a few same-sex crushes necessarily have to mean something, and I hope you don’t feel pressure to immediately define yourself as soon as you catch yourself staring at a chick with a great rack. In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I did make a brief jaunt to the other side myself. It was fun, and that was that. When I told a few friends about my tryst, I got a range of responses: amused, disgusted, curious, and shocked. A lot of them asked the question I hadn’t even bothered to ask of myself: “Are you bi?”

The answer? No, not particularly. But who knows, maybe by next month I’ll be marching in gay pride parades wearing flannel and waving a rainbow flag. The point is, I wasn’t interested in dissecting What It Meant, not for me, and certainly not for the benefit of others. Read More »

Q: I gave head to a guy I met when I was studying abroad, and now I’m worried about STDs. We didn’t use a condom, but he didn’t orgasm. Should I still get tested?

A: Don’t get yourself too worked up over it, but yes, you should get tested. Really, you should get tested after every new sexual partner (yes, oral sex counts). I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not a doctor–which is especially why you should see one–but I do strongly urge you to go get tested, for your health and more so, your peace of mind.

The greater the quantity of infected semen you’re exposed to, the greater the chances are that you may have something–of course, that’s assuming in the first place that the guy even has an STD. Since he didn’t ejaculate, you were at most, only exposed to pre-cum–so yes, it’s technically possible you caught something if he was infected, but the risk is low.

For something like HIV or hepatitis B, which is passed through the bloodstream, you would have to have had abrasions or cuts in your mouth (from a dental visit or biting your tongue, for example.) The same isn’t true for genital warts or herpes, which can spread through contact with the lesion. Even if you inspected his package with a microscope before going downtown, and you’re sure you didn’t see anything suspicious, remember that it’s still possible (but not super likely) to catch something even if there is no active, visible outbreak. Read More »

Q: I want to try having sex on the beach this summer. What should I keep in mind?

A: Sex on the beach. It’s the ultimate cliche of sexual fantasies for hopeless romantics everywhere, usually triggered by a movie scene complete with soft lighting and background music. For me, it was Chris Isaak that did it. Specifically, the sexy black-and-white video for his song, “Wicked Game,” featuring soft sand, crashing waves, and leggy supermodel Helena Christensen.

In reality, beach sex rarely includes a soundtrack, and a leggy supermodel is even harder to find. Instead you’re left with wind carrying sand into your eyes and wet particles creeping into your crevices. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’ve never actually had sex on a beach. I’m all for trying new things, but it never seemed to be worth the hassle or the worry that I would spend the next three months washing sand out of my crotch.

An informal survey of my friends only served to confirm what I already thought about beach sex — it’s overrated. Those that have dared to bare all and get busy shoreside agree that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Before I came along, my boyfriend’s attempt came to a screeching halt when he got his hand wet and then placed it in the sand, rendering it useless. Read More »